Hey, Tony Romo is back from his injury! Jerry Jones guaranteed playoffs! And I'm sure there's a compelling story line on the Washington Redskins sideline! But there's no non-jump way to find out. True story. * * * * * Pre-Game Babble Which over-dramatized headline is worse for America: "What's Wrong With The Dallas Cowboys?" "So We're All In Agreement, The Cowboys Are Super Bowl Champions, Right?" "Tony Romo: Is He Having Good Intercourse On His Bye Week?" "Is Current Cowboys Head Coach Going To Be Fired?" Trick question. It doesn't really matter how strong or sucky the Cowboys team is, the team with the star is going to be the dominant story on varions weeks when they don't deserve it. Fortunately Brett Favre's post-retirement retirement party seems to be taking the minds off the non-1980s soap opera known as Dallas. (Yes, fortunately.) The Titans could go to 13-0 and most news outlets would still be analyzing Terrell Owens' stool in a lab to detect any illnesses and whether or not it will affect team chemistry. Also, Redskins. They're 6-3, one game better than Dallas. Bohh-ring. Not boring? Environmentally-friendly corporate redesigns. It appears that NBC is promoting Green Week by making their signature peacock logo green as well as every other NBC-affiliated logo. See, here it is: Damn. I wonder how much extra time graphic designers' computers stayed on to make those logos. Whatever the cost, it's inspired me to help pitch in and save the world from the ice caps melting and turning into water-based leviathans who destroy our coastal towns with smog-shaped pitchforks and styrofoam packing peanuts. So in honor of Green Week, I will hereby recycle old jokes from previous live blogs. Record In Deadspin Live Blogs Cowboys: 0-1 Redskins: Does preseason count? No? Then they've never played in one.Fourth Quarter11:11 — The Redskins are 0-10 all-time on November 16. CURS3D!!1 In other game-related news, it's over and now the Cowboys are auxiliary NFC favorites should the Giants storyline become banal and/or Eli Manning throws two interceptions. See you at the next live weblog, provided your contribution to Green Week doesn't involve viewing fewer Internet pages. 11:08 — Michaels: "Barber is the reliever AND the starting pticher." Which makes it a complete game, if you're a purist when it comes to metaphors. But seriously, Marion Barber was able to work his way out of five walks and seven hits, striking out 11. "Daddy? I wuv you thiiiiiis much!" 11:07 — "Dad? What should I—" "Dog nambit, son, just have the colored boy run right." 11:05 — Dallas doesn't convert the third down, so they'll run it down to 1:08 then weigh their options. Obvious exits are NORTH, EAST, and FIELD GOAL. 11:00 — Romo to Barber, first down, 2:22 left and counting. This appears over, and all they need to figure out if they want to go with Animality, Babality, or Friendship. 10:57 — Brad Johnson is Jamie Moyer, Chase Utley is Jason Witten, Ryan Howard is DeMarcus Ware, Shane Victorino is Shaun Suisham ... damn you, Al Michaels, for this brainstorm exercise. 10:57 — And there we have the world's first Marion Barber-Brad Lidge parallel. This means that Wade Phillips is, you guessed it, Matt Stairs. 10:55 — Observe: "Eww, you can see his butt!" (Associated Press photo)10:54 — "Wham" is not "Whap." But if you have 75 percent of a bingo marker that broke in an earlier live blog, feel free to place it down. 10:54 — Time for the Cowboys to grab the clock by the neck and choke it until it bleeds down to about three minutes. 10:51 — It's 4th and 4 on the Cowboysian 37 with 6:46 left. Go for it? Kick it? Punt it? Buy a vowel? Zorn tells his boys to go for it, and I don't think the first down marker is out of bounds, so the Cowboys regain the ball on downs. 10:48 — Devin Thomas can fill in for Jose Theodore if needed, because he deflected pass off his own hands quite well and prevented it from getting by him. 10:45 — Portis limps off to the field, and Shaun Alexander is equally effective as Clinton Portis ... wearing a lead codpiece running over a Persian carpet made entirely out of magnets. 10:44 — Santana Moss runs deep, looks back for the ball, and bravely bats it away. 10:39 — And the go-ahead touchdown is caught by a guy that even Al Michaels had to check the printout to see who he was. Rookie Martellus Bennett nabs his second touchdown of the season and suddenly his fantasy ownership increased from 0.1% to 0.3%. 141010:37 — Nobody's quite sure how Romo was able to shovelshuffleshuttle that ball into the hands of scat-blues legend Miles Austin. John Madden is calling it the "push pass." Michaels is hoping Madden just invented a new word, which is actually two words. No, this isn't a new word(s). 10:37 — Does Jason Witten have bad pinkies? No? Then that 2nd down drop was his own fault. 10:33 — Romo has 155 yards so far on 16 of 23 passes, but to be fair 135 of those yards are attributed to his pinky finger. He's looking to get his team into field goal range, and then maybe not throw an interception. 10:32 — Maybe this last quarter is where all the action is. And we begin with ... a punt. Third Quarter10:28 — Zzzzzzz.... [snarl, mumble, twitch] Wh-wha? What happened? Ah, yes. Exciting game, this is. A 10-7 thriller. 10:22 — Strangely, Marion Barber now has more rushing yards than Hall-of-Famer Bronko Nagurski, making Barber the most prolific rusher from the University of Minnesota. This means something apparently, because the Dallas Cowboys rushing game is almost exactly the same as that of the Chicago Bears of the 1930s. Only with, naturally, less asbestos. 10:19 — See that foot? That's a Bowling Green foot. And the foot kicks the ball well short of three points. Still ... hell of a leg. 10:18 — The West Coast passing game only works if you don't actually act like a West coast athlete and lob the ball laterally like a hacky sack. 10:15 — Split cam on Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder. Al: "It's hard to believe Snyder bought the team in the late '90s." Why, did Snyder run a small dot-com business out of his flat? 10:10 — As the Cowboys drive, let's take a look at something new. How about the status of Tony Romo's pinky sling? 10:06 — Wait. How did Terence Newman intercept that pass when Tony Romo was on the sideline? That must mean ... no ... someone else other than Tony Romo threw that interception? Say it ain't! 10:02 — Antwaan Randle El, do you want to throw the ball out of bounds for once? Sure, here you go. 9:58 — Rock Cartwright didn't like being exonerated on special teams, so he decided to muff the kickoff out of bounds inside the 15-yard line and go back into the doghouse. Halftime Entertainment This skit is the reason why Eli Manning doesn't open his door at night. Click to view
Second Quarter9:41 — A modest drive sets up a go-ahead field goal by Bowling Green legendary kicker Shaun Suisham with four seconds left. That's enough time to scrutinize the touchback call, probably, twice. 7109:39 — Rock Cartwright atones with a kickoff return past midfield. And no, Rock Cartwright was not one of the names for Lt. Ryder from Space Mutiny. In fact, here they are. 9:38 — Michaels finally gets to what I've been clamoring about all this time, regarding the touchback play that seems to be the highlight of the night. If Cartwright just tapped the ball gently instead of scooping it up as if it were a newborn on train tracks, they'd have properly downed it. All of this is moot, however; you know you're watching a boring game when the play of the night resulted in a touchback. 9:34 — Barber tested, Bum approved. Running touchdown. OR MAYBE IT'S NOT. But it was. Shame on you for questioning it. 779:32 — Two minutes left, and Romo and Owens realize that maybe 7-0 isn't a great score for this game to remain at halftime. T.O. catches and runs inside the 5-yard line. 9:27 — Madden is unimpressed with Romo's release on the ball. Find your helmet, Brooks Bollinger! Madden is willing you into the game as best he can! 9:26 — Oh, don't blame this play on Khary Campbell, Al. He sounds like a dude who went to a fine university. 9:25 — After review ... heh, the referee said "rear." Seriously, Cartwright. THE BALL WASN'T GOING ANYWHERE. 9:22 — Ah, my favorite crapshoot play — the punt that lands near the goalline. Ryan Plackemeier 's kick stopped dead on the 1-yard line, and looked like it wasn't really going anywhere, but special teamer Rock Cartwright made sure that didn't happen by Leon Letting it go into the end-zone for a touchback. Seriously. You leave that bitch alone, or come at it with a non-pep pill attitude, and the Cowboys have 99 yards to go for a touchdown. 9:20 — Re: Miller Lite ads. Just once I want to see Ted McGinley ad lib something. My guess is it would sound horrible. 9:18 — Now to outro to commercial with some Stone Temple Pilots... oh, just kidding. Penalty. No advertising dollars for you. 9:16 — Campbell just ran through everyone for over 20 yards on a designed draw. Known affectionately as "how your little cousin beat you on Madden that one time." 9:15 — Both INTs were slant passes to Terrell Owens. Someone check his stool. 9:11 — Romo's quick pass is tipped then caught by the linebacker, Rocky McIntosh, which is my favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor. Why did this interception occur? Simple: poor grip. 9:09 — Madden again emphasizes the importance of the quarterback holding a football well with his throwing hand, with video comparisons between Healthy Romo Hand and Hurty Romo Hand to show us the difference. Huh. And here I thought a QB could just juggle it between his hands nonchalantly before he threw it. The football wisdom I learn from this guy! 9:06 — Madden talked to Clinton Portis in the locker room, asking him if he was going to play. A conversation between Portis and Madden. Even money on either guy as the first person to actually understand something the other says. Translation: sitcom gold. 9:00 — It's about time we talk about a two-year-old loogie. DeAngelo Hall covers Owens well on a third down, eliciting memories of the time T.O. spat in Hall's grill. I wonder where that spit is now... [pensively furrows chin hair]First Quarter8:53 — Blogsphere favorite Chris Cooley accepts the Campbell pass and the fans chant "Coooooooooley." Announcers are always obliged to point out that the fans aren't booing at a time like this. Are we so sure it wasn't booing? Maybe they really didn't like his NFL picks. 8:51 — DeAngelo Hall cures locker room cancer by picking off his first pass in a Redskins uniform. Certainly his days in Washington will end amicably. 8:47 — Bum wouldn't approve of no dadgum double reverses. As a result, no gain for Owens. 8:43 — Al Michaels: Wade Phillips asked his dad for some play calling advice, and was told "run the toss more." Wade uses "Ask Bum" and Barber The Third gets a hefty gain on the toss right. 8:41 — Terrell Owens catches a pass in the flat, then does a cartwheel with a little help from an oncoming Fred Smoot. 8:35 — Everybody gets a turn in the Redskins offense. It was Mike Sellers' turn to catch the touchdown. See? Socialism does work. 078:34 — It's time for some 4th and grit. It's close, but Portis gets the first by five or six yards. 8:33 — Defensive tackle Jay Ratliff hugs Jason Campbell for a loss of eight yards, because he cares. 8:32 — Eye on Clinton Portis' foot. Looks fine to me, he just gathered a first down. Let's see how it holds up against this anvil. 8:28 — A non-fumble carry by Marion Barber isn't good enough to prevent punter Sam Paulescu from, well, punting it to Washington. Pat Watkins' penchant for yanking DeAngelo Hall's mask puts the ball back to midfield, putting the Cowboys in a desperate ... wait, DeAngelo Hall is already with another team? 8:27 — John Madden analyzes Romo's pinkie cast, and seems downtrodden that he wasn't asked to sign it. 8:25 — All right, the Cowboys are going to put their best foot forward on the opening drive. And ... Marion Barber fumbles. (Gets it back, though.) 8:25 — How much Austin is in this opening kick return? Miles O'Austin. Pre-Game Babble Which over-dramatized headline is worse for America: "What's Wrong With The Dallas Cowboys?" "So We're All In Agreement, The Cowboys Are Super Bowl Champions, Right?" "Tony Romo: Is He Having Good Intercourse On His Bye Week?" "Is Current Cowboys Head Coach Going To Be Fired?" Trick question. It doesn't really matter how strong or sucky the Cowboys team is, the team with the star is going to be the dominant story on varions weeks when they don't deserve it. Fortunately Brett Favre's post-retirement retirement party seems to be taking the minds off the non-1980s soap opera known as Dallas. (Yes, fortunately.) The Titans could go to 13-0 and most news outlets would still be analyzing Terrell Owens' stool in a lab to detect any illnesses and whether or not it will affect team chemistry. Also, Redskins. They're 6-3, one game better than Dallas. Bohh-ring. Not boring? Environmentally-friendly corporate redesigns. It appears that NBC is promoting Green Week by making their signature peacock logo green as well as every other NBC-affiliated logo. See, here it is: Damn. I wonder how much extra time graphic designers' computers stayed on to make those logos. Whatever the cost, it's inspired me to help pitch in and save the world from the ice caps melting and turning into water-based leviathans who destroy our coastal towns with smog-shaped pitchforks and styrofoam packing peanuts. So in honor of Green Week, I will hereby recycle old jokes from previous live blogs. Record In Deadspin Live Blogs Cowboys: 0-1 Redskins: Does preseason count? No? Then they've never played in one. Time for America's favorite senior citizen game, "Five By Five Squares With Words Solitaire."