"Come on, Adriana, make it real," Rose barked, pausing mid-coitus. "Stop faking!" On that warm weekend evening in the spring of 1987, engineer Vic Deyglio had set up a top-of-the-line vocal microphone to capture the sounds of Rose and Smith having sex - and at one point, he had to dash into the booth to adjust the mike as they went at it. "It was like a Ron Jeremy set in there," Deyglio recalls. Smith wanted to get back at Guns n' Roses drummer Steven Adler for cheating on her - and had always liked the singer better anyway. "I would do anything Axl asked me to do," says Smith, now a forty-year-old mom. "He's fuckin' magical."The punchline comes at the end of course: Adriana Smith is now a 40-year-old mom. The other punchline is that Deyglio was credited on the album sleeve as "fucking engineer," which I suppose makes sense. Ah, Guns 'N Roses. Where have you been all these years? Now that we're a mere five days from the release of "Chinese Democracy" — and what better day to release an album people have been awaiting for 15 years than the Sunday before Thanksgiving? — I've been listening to a lot of G'N'R, and doing a lot of thinking. The first time I heard "Appetite," I was 12 years old and absolutely scandalized. (That controversial — and unlike most things that were controversial in the eighties, it's still pretty controversial — painting of the robot and naked lady got the album banned from my record store at the mall. I had to buy it at the pawn shop downtown.) Do you realize how much it fried my 12-year-old, center-parted, mulleted, farm boy brain to hear "get nothing for nothing/'cause that's what you do/turn around bitch/I got a use for you?" Heavens. This was definitely an album I had to hide from my youth minister. By the time the "Use Your Illusion" albums came out, I was almost 16 and therefore tons more mature. As much as I enjoyed those records, they were short-lived; it wouldn't be long until I finally discovered "Nevermind," and after that, everything was different. But listening to the "Illusion" albums lately, they hold up better than I remembered. They still should be cut down to just one album, though. Here's my suggestion for the eight songs for that theoretically streamlined, face-melting record. 1. Bad Obsession. (the closest they ever came to the Rolling Stones, complete with cowbell) 2. Double Talkin' Jive. (just for the opening riff) 3. Dead Horse. (which led to what's still my favorite Deadspin headline of all time) 4. Civil War. (seriously, what is so civil about war anyway? Honestly, this song is pretty dumb, but I still love it.) 5. Yesterdays. (totally underrated song. This should have been a bigger hit as a single.) 6. Pretty Tied Up (The Perils Of Rock & Roll Decadence). (all hail Izzy. "Where's Izzy?") 7. Locomotive (Complicity). (the big "epic" song off "Illusion II" that doesn't feel completely bloated.) 8. November Rain. (the song absolutely seems ridiculous now, but it still doesn't compare to the video, which I want to be shown on a loop if I ever make it to heaven. I still can't get over the part where Slash is like, "Fuck it dude, I'm just gonna rock out this solo right in front of this here church." I just felt bad he didn't have a cliff to throw the guitar over when his solo was done.)
"You're in this dark tunnel and you've got no way out," he said. "You're waiting for light, and you see that light, what do you do? What do you do? You start digging and getting out. ... I've always believed you stay in the tunnel and you keep digging when you expect no light. "You have the same faith when you expect no light. You have the same belief in what you're doing when you expect no light. ... It's dark and I'm going to dig through. My shovel is sharp and my pick is sharp and my will is outstanding."Totally, man. Not even Jim Fassel would beg for this job.
Cops raided his house yesterday, supposedly looking for drugs (Tank has now been arrested three times since joining the Bears). They found "a cache of unregistered guns and assault rifles - some loaded," and we love that the Chicago Tribune added that ominous "some loaded" at the end, because otherwise we'd have no idea what people do with guns. They also found Willie B. Posey, who had two ounces of the ganga on him during the raid; he was busted too. Oh, and they also found Johnson's girlfriend and their two kids, around the guns and the ganja and the Willie Posey.Posey was found dead only a couple of days later. Tank's a lot more boring when he's behaving.