Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs, well, every Thursday afternoon during the NFL season. Drew's new book, "Men With Balls," featuring 100% new material, is available in stores and online here, and makes a lovely Christmas gift for the chronic masturbator in your life. You can email Drew here. Read him during the week at KSK.
In 1994, Fox introduced the FoxBox for the very first time to NFL viewers. No, the FoxBox wasn't a picture of Tracy Pollan's snatch (HEY-O!!!!). It was the first-ever permanent onscreen graphic that showed you the score of a football game.
Now, this was very good. Before then, the only way you knew the score of the game was coming in and out of commercials. Only sometimes, they wouldn't show you the score even then, because they were assholes. So I'm glad FOX head David Hill brought the FoxBox into my life, thereby forcing all other broadcast networks to follow suit. Now you and I can watch a game and know the score, which is kind of useful. Makes you wonder why they didn't think of it before, you know, nineteen ninety-fucking-seven.
I'm also grateful for CBS' introduction of StatTrax a few years back, which keeps a permanent crawl of other game scores and stats going on the bottom of the screen. This way, I don't have to get up and walk over to the computer to know that Laveranues Coles has FUCKING FAILED ME YET AGAIN. I play fantasy football, like all of you do (and for you holdouts, kindly go choke on your own shit), so seeing those stats is important, particularly if I'm at a bar or somewhere without web access.
But alas, I still find network scoring graphics to be woefully inadequate. Now, I have DirecTV. So I can bring up real-time scores on the Sunday Ticket menu any time I wish. Which is better than eating bread pudding while receiving a blowjob. But what of those folks who can't afford Sunday Ticket, or can't even get access to it? Well, they get hosed on their stats. And that won't do. Here now, are a couple way to improve the on-screen graphics during gameplay:
FOX must adapt the CBS StatTrax. I'm more apt to watch a game on CBS than Fox simply because CBS displays more stats from other games. Fuck, sometimes I don't even pay attention to the game. I'm just looking to see the stats move (Cutler got 15 more passing yards! WOOHOO!) FOX just has that little score ticker in the upper right hand corner. Hey FOX, you're behind the curve. Get with the goddamn times.
If a score changes elsewhere, tell us WHY. Whoa, the Steelers just scored another touchdown? Well, fucking how? I MUST KNOW THIS INSTANT. I demand real-time score alerts, with a little drop down graphic that tells you who scored and how. Is it that hard to flash "Ward – 15 yd TD rec" on the screen? I say no. FOX used to run little score updates on the bottom of the screen with their "duhduhduh DUH DUH DUH!" chime, that told you the most recent scoring play. BRING THAT SHIT BACK.
Also, more Game Breaks please. Those things are little oases of goodness in the shitty game I have to watch. How many game breaks do you get a game? Five? UNACCEPTABLE. I demand fifty of them.
Provide injury updates. This is always fun. You're checking the scroll to see how your fantasy running back is doing, let's say Larry Johnson. Only, when the StatTrax comes along, it says that Jamaaal Charles has 15 rushes for 56 yards or something like that. Well, excuse me Mr. Stat Man, BUT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY FUCKING GUY?! Is he hurt? Was he benched? Did he die? Why is this other asshole getting the carries now? I'M IN THE DAAAAARK HERE! Jesus.
Run the yardage leader graphics all fucking game. You know at the half, when they show you the day's leaders in rushing, passing, and receiving? I love that. Again, there's no reason not to implement this for the rest of the broadcast. Why do I have to wait until halftime for this shit? I WANT IT NOW, YOU PRICKS!
I realize that many of these graphic improvements will leave little room for actual gameplay. But honestly, half these teams are murder to watch anyway. You're not missing anything. I want my fucking information, CBS and FOX. And I know damn well the only reason you don't give me more stats and updates is so the NFL can get more people to sign up for DirecTV and buy Sunday Ticket. Don't think I don't know what the fuck you're up to. You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Redskins at Ravens: Say, is Sunday Night Football sponsored by Sprint? I had no idea. They're so subtle about it.
Eagles at Giants: One of the more humorous things I saw last weekend were the NFL Play60 ads with Donovan McNabb, which talk seriously about all the ways the NFL is promoting a more "active generation". According to nfl.com, the program has two objectives:
1. Engaging youth and families in every community to make the next generation the most active and healthy generation.
Now, I find it rather humorous that the NFL is trying to promote a healthy generation when the average NFL player doesn't live past the age of fucking 52. Here is the second objective of the program:
Helping reverse the childhood obesity trend by 2012
One of the sponsors for the NFL's effort to get kids from being 400 lb. mongoloids who can only move by slithering around on their own belly grease? Frosted Flakes. Yes, nothing takes off the pounds quite like a bowl of pure sucrose. It may also be difficult for the NFL to get kids to stop being fat, considering that 90% of the ads they see on NFL telecasts are for beer, or for Bob Evans' new chicken fried chicken deep dish dinner.
Ah, but it gets even better. Go to the Play60 website and you'll find messages from additional spokesmen like Vernon Davis. Because no one embodies self-discipline quite like Vernon Davis. Why, he hasn't accosted a girl in over two months! Pretty good for a Maryland grad!
The site also features numerous tips on how to stay fit. Of course, these tips are submitted by readers, so they're less tips than retarded brain drippings:
FOOTBALLPRO4 shouted on November 20, 2008, 7:55 pm
I PLAY QB AND THE SKINS BETTER GO TO THE SUPER BOWL
KEVIN shouted on November 9, 2008, 10:34 am
go ladianian tomilson rules CHARGERS RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!
harlie shouted on November 4, 2008, 5:38 pm
i wish bob sanders came to my school
Mikey shouted on November 4, 2008, 5:38 pm
if you dont play football your weak!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The kids on this site do burn lots of calories with their excessive typing.
Cowboys at Steelers: I'm really beginning to loathe the Roy Williams Rule on horse collar tackling. You're chasing a receiver or running back from behind. You're trying to get hold of him any way you fucking can. Who gives a shit if you grab his collar? His pads are strapped on. They aren't going anywhere. You aren't gonna garrote the fucker if you take him down that way. He'll live. Let defenders grab what they need to grab to take the guy down: his collar, his scrotum, whatever.
Bucs at Panthers: Holy shit, is Jeff Garcia annoying to play against. HOLD STILL, YOU LITTLE FRECKLY BASTARD.
Falcons at Saints
Dolphins at Bills: Did you know Josh Reed is still on the Bills? Jesus. Shouldn't he have been released, oh, five years ago? You were supposed to be a good sleeper back in 2003, you bastard!
Anyway, this game represents phase one in the NFL's grand plan to move the Bills to Toronto in such a gradual fashion that the people of Buffalo (and America, for that matter) fail to notice. With more on this is our Canadian correspondent Gourmet Spud:
"Hey Bills players - tired of being booed by your home fans just because you dropped a must-win against the 49ers, all but eliminating you from the playoffs? Well, you won't have to worry about that in Toronto. And it's not because Canadian fans are overly polite. It's because there will be so few of them at the game, you won't be able to hear it.
"Yep, less than a week away from kick-off, and it's still not sold out. Some blame it on the fact that organizers paid way too much to bring the team here, leading to a ridiculously overpriced pre-season/regular season ticket package that turned many fans off. Most blame it on the fact that The Barenaked Ladies will be in town. Factor in Ted Rogers's dying, and it's looking less likely that the Bills will end up in Toronto, and more likely that they'll end up doing what most people from Buffalo do to become successful - move to Los Angeles (see Gallo, Vincent; Hershiser, Orel; and Goo Dolls, Goo)."
Jaguars at Bears: According to leather-bound Tom Brady submissive Andrea Kremer, Lovie Smith told his team at halftime last week that, "There are two halves of football." Well, he's got one up on Jack Del Rio, who still thinks each game is divided into seven trimesters.
Texans at Packers
Jets at 49ers
Vikings at Lions: I have a theory about the Lions tank job against the Titans last week. Now I know they're fucking terrible. And they're poorly coached. But I think the Lions know, in their heart of hearts, that they only have chance to win a game for the rest of the year, and it's this Minnesota game. They knew they had no shot against the Titans, so why bother?
They should have beat the Vikings in their last matchup, only to get ripped off at the end by a terrible PI call. So I think they laid down like dogs on Turkey Day not only because they're all turds, but because they've put all their eggs into this basket. This is the one. If they don't win this one, it's all over. And as a Viking fan, I have to say, I am scared shitless. At least the Williams boys got a temporary injunction. AND the judge didn't schedule any new hearings yet. God bless the lazy, interminable nature of the judicial system.
Bengals at Colts: Peyton Manning's been growing his hair out lately, and he's starting to look so much like Archie Manning, it's starting to freak me the fuck out. No wonder he turned the ball over 3 times last week.
Raiders at Chargers: Lotta punts in this one. Last week, I watched a punter coffin corner a punt, and I always love it when the line judge starts walking up the sideline to note where the punt went out of bounds. You never know when he's gonna stop! He's just like the Price Is Right mountain climber:
Way to overbid on that Cheer detergent, lady. You just sent Sir Edmund Hilary to cold and brutal death. I'd love to see a line judge just keep on walking until he got to the one-yard line on the other side of the field, just to fuck with people.
Browns at Titans: Something needs to be done about Netflix's website, by the way. They must have the shittiest new movie browsing mechanism ever devised. I click to browse new releases. What comes up? Fred Claus. Who THE FUCK wants to watch that goddamn movie? No one, that's who. WALL*E is out now, but you'd never know it if you browsed the Netflix site. 88 Minutes? Go to hell, you dicks. I don't pay you people $10 a month just so you can recommend August Rush. When you click on the new releases section at Netflix, there should be a giant sign that says HOLY FUCK! THE DARK KNIGHT COMES OUT ON TUESDAY! PUT IT IN YOUR FUCKING QUEUE NOW, DICKSNOT!
Patriots at Seahawks: Speaking of DVDs, I've seen just about enough ads for the Wanted DVD. I get it, Angelina Jolie. You're all hot and edgy! Oooh, you've got tattoos. You're so WILD! With your pouty lips and four hundred kids! Yeah, you're about as dangerous as a fucking Maroon 5 album. And Wanted is a retarded movie. "Curve the bullet"? I asked for an action flick. I don't want fucking Looney Tunes.
Chiefs at Broncos
Rams at Cardinals
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Only," by Anthrax. Armored Saint lead singer John Bush joined Anthrax in 1992 after they fired original singer Joey Belladonna. The result is the above song, five minutes of sheer balls-pummelling awesomeness. When I was 17, I used to drive a hand-me-down Oldsmobile back and forth to my busboy job. It was originally my grandmother's. She paid EXTRA money to have the air conditioning taken out of the car, and for an AM-only radio. My only solace from tooling around in this motorized hotbox of death was driving really fucking fast with the windows open (to help air flow) while listening to this song.
Anthrax also did a video off this album for the song "Black Lodge," which features a young Jenna Elfman getting strapped to a chair and then hand-raped by a creepy old guy.
Boy, I really didn't need to see that again. No wonder she turned out to be a Scientologist. You don't come out of a video like that without a few mental scars. Good song, though.
Embarassing Discography I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
The first five Lenny Kravitz albums. No clue why I liked Lenny Kravitz for so many years. I must have just really liked the idea of working in a Banana Republic or something. I had an extended period where I liked everything Lenny Kravitz did. But now I leap across football fields to change the radio dial if one of his songs come on. There are a handful of artists in my life that have inspired in me such a dramatic shift from love to hate. Fountains of Wayne is one. Weezer is the other. I swear to God, if I ever hear "Island In The Sun" again, I'll go on a seven-state arson spree.
And why are half of Lenny's songs about Jesus? Sy Kravitz can't be too pleased about that.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Deangelo Williams. Oh, look who decides to start tearing up the league NOW, only after fucking over every damn fantasy owner for the past three fucking years. This asshole couldn't beat out Deshaun Foster for carries, and now he's a world beater? YOU MAKE ME SICK, WILLIAMS. GO STICK YOUR DICK IN A PAPER SHREDDER.
Five Potential Key Injuries
-Aaron Rodgers (shoulder)
-Plaxico Burress (huge life-symbolizing metaphor)
-Calvin Johnson (apathy)
-Gary Brackett (punctured eye)
-Fred Robbins (thigh tuck)
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the Titans was correct, which makes me 10-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, Tennessee, Tampa, Carolina, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide. This week's pick? Minnesota (GAH! JINX!), and shooting yourself in leg. Oh, I'm sorry. That's CAREER suicide. Silly me.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like Atlanta getting 3 points on the road against the Saints. Hey oceanographers, stop tagging me with fucking tracking devices. I got enough holes in my fin to go to Lilith Fair. Maybe if you tagged yourself a few Jew ears, you could figure out where all that stock market money is disappearing to."
2008 Nazi Shark Record: 3-8
Great Moments In Sports Poop History
I got enough great poop stories from the other week, that it seems foolish to waste them. So every week, I'll toss in a new and exciting poop story for your digestion. Take it away, fellow pooper!
"Mavs-Heat, Game 5, 2006 Finals. Big Mavs fan. I spent that Sunday afternoon with my girlfriend with plans to watch the game together. We don't live together and aren't to the point where we shit while the other one's in the apartment. We hit an Indian buffet for an early dinner and 15 minutes after plowing through three plates I feel the unmistakable rumble of a Punjabi curry comet approaching escape velocity.
"I consider defiling her toilet but she lives in a small one bedroom and there's no turning on the shower to mask what's about to happen. I come up with a story ASAP (which is actually true) about how I'll be too much of a prick to be around during the game so I'd rather watch it by myself. I'm clenching my cheeks and standing on my toes as I run-walk back to my truck. I hit the road and make it 11.5 of the twelve miles back to my place.
"I'm sweating profusely, sound like I'm in labor, and pull off into a side street and into an empty parking lot with a bamboo grove blocking the view to the street. I fire a grizzly salvo into the leaves, wipe with the boxers and throw ‘em on the hot, wet mess. It wasn't until the ordeal was over that I realized I had just shit on a church. Karma's a motherfucker. -Colin"
Dude, just poop in the girl's apartment. You shit on a church because God was trying to tell you something.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Lovie gets on strictly for that "two halves of football" speech. What a nimrod. Also, Marvin Lewis gets taken off the chopping block after reports this week that Mike Brown will not fire him. I should have known better. The Bengals buy out contracts about as often as I watch films by Baz Luhrmann.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Whoopie pies! It's like a chocolatey hamburger with lard in the middle. Or a very round Suzy Q. Mmmmm. Oreo has new snack cakes out called Cakesters. You can't fool me, Oreo people. That's a fucking whoopee pie and you know it.
One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"Don't you dare stop, you fucking hot rod, you."
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Hoegaarden! So very dirty-sounding. So very tasty.
Random FKS-Style Tidbit
This is Steve Burns, original host "Blue's Clues." I watch reruns of this show with my kid every day. Steve is all right. He and I are cool. But the new host who replaced Steve in 2002? Well, that asshole's name is Joe. AND JOE LICKS BALLS.
Look at this guy. What a douche. He's clearly trying too hard to be popular. Steve was way cooler. And Joe's new opening song for the show is gay. "Another Blue's Clues day… HOORAY!" Yeah, whatever Joe (which isn't even your real name, DONOVAN). You make a lousy step-host. Even Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper think you look like a tool in that dipshit sweater you wear. STEVE ROOLZ!
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Ray Lewis of the Ravens. Tough? You bet! Edgy? Damn right. I know the fella has had a scrape or two with the law, but that's just the kind of street experience that gets you far in this town, baby! I remember when we were casting for The Cotton Club, we only wanted soul brothers with at least six stabbings on their resume. There are some things you just can't ACT, and loving to cut people open is one of them!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
The Hollywood Knights. Just an absolute treasure chest of a movie. It's like American Graffiti, only it has tits, and farting, and flaming bags of shit, and urinating in punch bowls. Plus upskirt cheerleader shots. Tuck THAT into your chin flaps, George Lucas. Plus it has Robert Wuhl in his only tolerable role ever as Newbomb Turk. "Good night, Officer Lawnmower!" I still can't believe Newbomb turned down a chance to nail Fran Drescher. SHE WAS IN HEAT, TURK!
They played this flick on Showtime late nights every week when I was a kid. And if you don't think I wanted to reenact the assembly scene every time I had to attend a real assembly at school, then you don't know me all that well. God, I really need to see this movie again now. Skip all the parts with Tony Danza, by the way. They're pointless.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace ‘accidentally' with ‘repeatedly' and replace ‘dog' with ‘son'."
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: The extremely fetching Mila Kunis. I liked Forgetting Sarah Marshall and thought it was pretty funny. But c'mon. Like Mila and Kristen Bell would ever really fight over THAT guy. I haven't seen a screenwriter have a wet dream like that since Leaving Las Vegas.
-For the gals: One Tree Hill star Chad Michael Murray. So dreamy.
Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
"I'M A LEAD FARMER, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Enjoy the games, everyone.
Photoshop by 289.