More like sloppy firsts: Throwing your glove at a skater on a breakaway only makes things worse. It also makes them funnier, though, so do whatever you want. [The 700 Level]

Pirate jokes ahead: What really happened on Mike Leach's Seattle trip? Besides Hawaiian shirt shopping, of course. [Hot Dog and Friends]

Make mine a double decker: I don't care about point spreads or Chauncey Billups. Just give me my free tacos. [Slushy Gutter]

Or the Super Bowl, for that matter: What if the Pro Bowl roster was only filled with NFL players who had somehow disgraced themselves? I think it would be called the "Pro Bowl." [Rand Ball]

Tough to keep track of all these shootings: Yeah ... whatever did happen with that Marvin Harrison gun thing? If only the wounds were self-inflicted it all might have turned out differently. [Midwest Sports Fans]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.