Three southern quarterbacks will sit in a room all dressed up being asked softball questions about how awesome it is to be a quarterback of a top five college football team. Then one of them will hold up a trophy of an old, old man stiff-arming an invisible linebacker. Follow the Heisman presentation after the jump, unless your last name Harrell.
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9:01 — Well, damn, that went quick. If this was a college football game it'd probably be 4:29 left in the first, and they'd be reviewing an out of bounds play. Enjoy the brand new already-played football game, everyone.
9:01 — The voting breakdown:
1. Sam Bradford 1726
2. Colt Mccoy 1604
3. Tim Tebow 1575
4. Graham Harrell 213
5. Michael Crabtree 116
6. Shonn Greene 65
7. Pat White 19
8:58 — HIS SPEECH WON'T END. PLAY THE MUSIC!
8:57 — Thank me, Sam. Thank me. C'mon, I have to be next.
8:56 — GROWN MEN DON'T CRY, SAM.
8:55 — Why, that would be SAM BRADFORD.
8:54 — And the winner...
8:53 — Matt Leinart couldn't make the trip. He's busy ... playing ... football?
8:51 — Paul Hornung has pants on. Damn, this will be a close vote.
8:51 — Hahaha. BerWANGer.
8:50 — It's been almost a whole hour and we haven't even handed out Best Cinematography yet.
8:47 — We're leaving someone out. There's another quarterback from the south who long deserves to be mentioned in the breath of Colt McCoy, Sam Bradford, and Tim Tebow. There was a lot of commotion over him not being here tonight, and it's very understandable. Of course, I am talking about:
Name Of Quarterback: Johnnie Moxon
School: West Canaan High Coyotes
Stats: 1734 yards, 66.8% completion, 14 TDs, 5 INTs, 4 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: James Van Der Beek
Miracles Performed: Resisted high school girl in whip cream bikini, stood up to Jon Voight when no one else would, railed against the Texan high school football establishment of pro-set formations.
8:46 — Behind the scenes: "Poise" was almost a bingo square. Good thing I didn't include it, otherwise it'd have been riddled with sperm-bullets.
8:43 — By the way, you're probably wondering why the Barack Obama picture up top. It's because he was born in the next to Tim Tebow in the Philippines.
8:41 — Good, we got that Army Heisman winning guy out of the way. Now it's MONTAGE TIME.
Name Of Quarterback: Tim Tebow
School: University of Florida Gators
Stats: 2515 yards, 64.9% completion, 28 TDs, 2 INT, 12 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Young Mel Gibson, or Jim Caviezel, or anyone who looks good drenched in blood
Miracles Performed: Became the only sophomore to win a Heisman trophy. Cured Percy Harvin's leprosy. Converted a state of hedonistic heterosexual football fans into loving, Christian schoolgirls. Fed the homeless by cooking a Brunswick stew out of nothing but his own internal motivation and a store-bought can of Brunstick stew.
8:40 — How did they find time to pry Andre Ware away from his busy schedule to make it to this presentation?
8:38 — By the way, about this Greatest Game Ever Played rebroadcast business. They're showing a re-run on ESPN prime time. Earlier on ESPN Classic, they showed a live college football game.
8:34 — There's a High School Heisman? And a guy named Leibowitz won it? Guess it's time to update the leaflet.
8:34 — "Tell me, coach Meyer. Share your defensive secrets on how to beat Sam Bradford. Coach Stoops, I entrust you'll cover your ears for this part."
8:32 — Take Sam Bradford's advice. Be great at every sport, kids!
8:30 — I have a feeling it was Sam's father's idea to cut his hair like 1970s-era Chevy Chase.
8:29 — "He always liked sports." Something tells me the angle of this Sam Bradford feature won't be "overcoming adversity."
8:26 — Mike Rozier handily won the 1983 Heisman over someone named Steve Young. Good thing he did. Because today he gets to be mentioned on a LIVE NATIONAL TELECAST sandwiched between features of today's hottest quarterbacks. And whatever happened to that other guy? Last I heard, people were throwing shit at him.
8:23 — Phew. For a minute there I was afraid Mack Brown was going to give a shitty opinion on McCoy's football ability.
8:21 — Goddamn, my bingo card is getting tagged more than a UT cheerleader passed out near a Hairy Buffalo.
8:18 — That was a nice profile, but I think we can do better:
Name Of Quarterback: Colt McCoy
School: University of Texas Longhorns
Stats: 3445 yards, 77.6% completion, 32 TDs, 7 INT, 10 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Zac Efron
Miracles Performed: Finished with an NCAA record-breaking completion percentage. Somehow won over the hearts and minds of cosmopolitan Longhorns fans despite having such a rural, folsky name. Got the entire team to bathe daily in a mixture of sawdust and tiny bits of American flag.
8:16 — "Nobody knows where Tuscola, Texas as until Colt McCoy signed with the University if Texas." Um, bad news for ya, Tuscola citizen...
8:14 — "Hi, Chris? Here are a list of websites that college kids visit. Please use at least two of them in a joke. You'll probably want to not mention Bangbros, however, unless you want to co-host a show with Fred Hickman on NESN at 3 a.m."
8:13 — Ah, a BCS joke aimed at McCoy in the event of a Heisman voting tie. "BECAUSE YOUR TEAM LOST THE TIEBREAKER!" Twist the knife.
8:13 — Chris Fowler is dying to sign Sam Bradford's cast.
8:11 — I'd like to thank Evanescence cover band "The Fallen" for providing this somber background music. I'm extremely pumped up in a very mellow, self-defeating fashion.
8:10 — Really, why even make a new former Heisman winner montage every year?
8:05 — With the commercial, let's look at our first candidate:
Name Of Quarterback: Sam Bradford
School: University of Oklahoma Sooners
Stats: 4464 yards, 68.3% completion, 48 TDs, 6 INT, 5 rush TDs
Actor Who Would Play Him: Ryan Reynolds, aka "Van Wilder"
Miracles Performed: Led his offense to 60 points in five straight games. Got a great deal on a car from Rhett Bomar. Went six whole days without eating a steak. Convinced BCS computers that loss to Texas was actually a war with Eastasia.
8:03 — Someone evidently found Ron Dayne in a Sheboygan-area log cabin.
8:03 — Herbstreit said he changed his vote four times. I'm guessing he just changed it to Terrelle Pryor to avoid tough decisions.
8:01 — BradfoMcTebow is milling around, shaking hands of former Heisman winners. It probably isn't helping them that none of them are wearing nametags.
If I've learned anything about college football, it's this:
• Good coaches don't stay in Bowling Green forever, eventually they will win championships at Florida
• Auburn is impressed with a 2-10 record
• It's immoral to include players' names in video games
• The best college football players are only quarterbacks and sometimes running backs.
A guy like Andre Smith isn't considered the best college football player at all. Yet he only allowed one sack all year and probably will be drafted way higher than any of these three guys. Also, he played for a team that didn't lose until last Saturday. What more d'ya need?
Also, about Graham Harrell not being in New York for the ceremony: so what? Can't you still win this even if you're not physically in the building? I mean, couldn't technically everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper and he'd still win? Moreover, why didn't everyone vote for Eastern Michigan's long snapper? Dude kept EMU's punting game crisp and efficient. And EMU beat Central Michigan, who beat who beat Ohio, who beat Akron, who beat Syracuse, who beat Notre Dame, who beat Navy, who beat Wake Forest, who beat Ole Miss, who beat Florida, who's in the national title game! You can't possibly leave out the impeccable long snapping of the legendary whatshisname and call the Heisman Trophy the award that goes to the best player in college football.