We're getting right to the games this week, with the best group of late season games I've seen in a real long time. I love it when the playoffs come around. As my colleague KOGOD wisely said, they should have the playoffs at least three times per season. It really does make things more exciting.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Panthers at Giants: I was watching PTI the other day and I heard Jaws refer to the Giants as the "New York Football Giants Football Team". This man is a menace, and he needs to be stopped. We need to erect some sort of linguistic concentration camp for him and his ilk.
Steelers at Titans: After the Steelers won last week, I flipped to ESPNEWS to watch the replays of the Santonio Holmes catch. On Sundays, ESPNEWS is anchored by Linda Cohn (not always, but sometimes) with analyst Qadry Ismail. Familiar with Qadry's work? Yeah well, he blows. On the Holmes catch, Ismail explained that the rule was this: if both your feet are in the end zone, it doesn't matter if the ball crosses the plane or not. This was a huge, amazing fucking lie. Hey ESPNNEWS, go buy a goddamn fact checker.
In other Steeler-related news, longtime Deadspin commenter TheStarterWife, who clearly has far too much free time on her hands, sent me this comprehensive statistical breakdown of which NFL team has averaged the most throwgasms so far this year. The result? Pittsburgh, which has averaged just over four throwgasms a game all year long. This makes sense, since the Steelers are good and have played a notoriously difficult schedule. But TSW also believes I secretly like the Steelers as well. THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE WRONG, MY FRIEND. I'll join Ufford right now in saying that the Steelers can go shave a pile of cocks.
Oh, and without Haynesworth, the Titans are a 7-9 team.
Ravens at Cowboys: The Cowboys and Eagles might be the two best teams in the NFC right now. But because of how the schedule shakes out, it's all but certain that only one of them will be able to make the playoffs, if that. How marvelous. Someone send the NFL's schedule maker a tin of candied pecans for me.
Falcons at Vikings: I didn't even think of the 1998 NFC Title Game until Leitch brought it up earlier this week. Fuck you, Leitch. I'd text message you a death threat if I had a decent text message plan.
Cardinals at Patriots
Saints at Lions: As the Lions get closer to 0-16, the intrigue builds. When they start over in April, the folks at The Big Picture pointed out the very real possibility that the team will end up drafting Matt Stafford at #1. Why? I have no idea. Because he's a QB! And he's over six feet tall! Seems like a good idea!
Again, this is another prime example of mock draft people throwing some random shitty QB at the top of the draft board because there needs to be a quarterback near the top of the draft board. Matt fucking Stafford? Really? He's gonna be worth $40 million in guaranteed money? I don't even need to see Stafford throw a pass in the Senior Bowl to tell you right now that he'll suck. Badly. Just like Jamarcus Russell does. And just like Alex Smith did.
There are QB's like Matt Ryan, who earn their draft status as quarterbacks who demonstrate professional polish at the college level. And then there are QB's like Stafford, who just happen to be there. Draft a left tackle, Lions. For shit's sake.
Eagles at Redskins: PLAY COLT TODEE, COOCH ZORN!
Chargers at Bucs: Monte Kiffin is heading to Tennessee to coach under his son. Odds the Bucs suddenly become a 3-13 team next year? Quite good. Monte Kiffin carries nearly as much water for Jon Gruden as Jim Johnson carries ice cream for Andy Reid.
Colts at Jaguars: And the fall of Gregg Williams is complete. You college programs out there in need of a coach should give Greggggg a long, hard look. He's got everything you want in a great college coach. He's arrogant. He's doesn't like being questioned. He's a terrible communicator. He's got a raging messiah complex. Fuck, he practically screams THE NEXT NICK SABAN. And you Auburn fans could take comfort that he isn't in an interracial marriage! Good stuff!
Packers at Bears: According to Yahoo, the top scoring fantasy player so far this year is Drew Brees. Number two? Aaron Rodgers. Marmalard is fifth. Honestly, you may as well have Nazi Shark autodraft your fantasy team for you next year. Because nothing will make any goddamn sense by the end of the season.
Texans at Raiders
Dolphins at Chiefs
Bills at Broncos
Jets at Seahawks
Bengals at Browns: "Mad Men" star Christina Hendricks (the redhead with the big guns) is getting engaged. To this. It's almost more depressing than the prospect of having to sit through this piece of shit game.
49ers at Rams
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Judith," by A Perfect Circle. This clip is directed by David Fincher. It's just the band playing the song in a giant room, and yet it's fucking riveting. You never see Maynard James Keenan's face in this video. He's shot using only that Fincher trademark "obscured face menacingly looking down at you" angle. I love that angle. I want Fincher to shoot my family's Christmas card photo. No clear faces. Just three darkened visages ready TO RUIN YOUR SHIT. Merry Christmas. I got you your head in a goddamn box.
This video proves, once again, that I find anything directed by David Fincher or Michael Mann 80 times more interesting than it has any right to be. Seriously, David Fincher or Michael Mann could shoot a stamp-collecting documentary and I would be spellbound. I loved the movie Collateral, and yet I found it to be one of the dumbest fucking movies ever made (what assassin uses a fucking taxi?). I just loved looking at it. Same with Panic Room. And Miami Vice. David Fincher and Michael Mann should be the only people allowed to shoot anything ever. Videos, movies, ads, remote piece for CNN, everything. And given, this economy, that could become a very real scenario.
Also, note uberhot bassist/violinist Paz Lenchantin in this video. A high heel on top of an amplifier is all I really need to get the little admiral at full salute. The world needs more hot chicks with high heels and guitars. Paz Lenchantin, you are L'enchantin' me! HEY-O!!!!
"Judith" is a great song. It's a shame you don't see it available on more karaoke menus. You could bring the house DOWN with this song. First of all, you get to scream FUCK YOUR GOD out loud to everyone in the bar. Secondly, you get to hit that high note at the three-minute mark where Keenan goes DID ALL FOR YOOOOOOOOOOOOU-OOOO-WHOA-WHOA-WHOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOAAAA. My favorite thing to sing while stuck on the Beltway? Fuck and yes.
(Also, it's worth noting here that Fincher shot the LT/Polamalu Nike ad that, in addition to being awesome, is currently the only non-lager lesson ad running on NFL broadcasts.)
Embarassing Mixtape Track I Once Owned That Will Not Fire You Up
"Shoop," by Salt ‘N' Pepa. I'm not ashamed to say this video comprised at least 50% of my spank bank fodder when I was 15. Oh, Sandy Denton. You were delightfully thick in the britches. Not enough women today rock the hot pant and caped belly shirt combination. If only Sandy were also playing a guitar in high heels in this video. That would make for a fine pantsplosion. Let's go right to Big ‘Twan's cameo!
I hit the skins for the hell of it, just for the yell I get
Mmm mmm mmm, for the smell of it
They want my bod, here's the hot rod
Twelve inches to a yard
and have ya soundin' like a retard
I like that last line. You could work that phrasing into any sex story you tell. "I banged her so hard, I made her go full retard!" Kirk Lazurus approves.
Sandy in the tub in the "Whatta Man" video is also a winner (Bonus points to that video for featuring Dawn Robinson, who was always the hottest girl in En Vogue). Sandy was once married to Treach from Naughty by Nature. They had a kid named Egypt(!), but then divorced in 2001. Other people's pussy, indeed.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
The Indianapolis defense. I started the Vikings defense all year long. But last week, for my championship game, I decided to bench them in favor of the Colts because of the matchup Indy had with Detroit. I ended up losing because of it. And I am not exaggerating when I tell you that decision will haunt me to my fucking grave. NO FUCKING SACKS, INDY? I HATE YOU FOREVER.
Five Potential Key Injuries
-Pat Williams (shoulder)
-Pat Williams (Wait, he broke his shoulder?)
-Pat Williams (NOOOOOOOO!!!!)
-Pat Williams (FUCK! STICK MY DICK IN A TOASTER!)
-Pat Williams (GOODELL IS BEHIND THIS!)
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of the New England was correct, which makes me 12-3 for the year. Off the board now are the Jets, the Giants, New England, Minnesota, Tennessee, Tampa, Carolina, Arizona, Chicago, Jacksonville, Green Bay, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Buffalo, and Detroit. We again choose both a team for your suicide pool and an actual way of committing suicide.
This week's pick? New Orleans, and killing yourself after stalking Paula Abdul. You stalkers really need to raise your standards. C'mon, man. Paula Abdul? Jesus. If anything, Paula Abdul should be the one stalking other people (and she likely does). If you're going to dedicate every waking moment of your life to sitting outside a famous person's house in your van, so you can then jump them, skin them, and make a tuxedo out of them, make it someone worthwhile. Why isn't anyone stalking Megan Fox yet? WAKE UP, STALKERS! GET YOUR ACT TOGETHER!
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Steelers getting 2.5 points on the road against the Titans. Hanukah starts next week, and I'd just like to say to all you half-Jewlings out there who celebrate both Christmas and Hanukah: GET FUCKED.
"And to all you radio DJ's who play that Adam Sandler Hanukah song every year, let it be known that I will find you and I will fucking eat you. I can't escape that song even if I were in the goddamn Mariana Trench. Know when that song stopped being funny? A FUCKING DECADE AGO. Oooh, smoke your marijuanica! That's so clever! I will fucking bite through your Jew bones like a goddamn table saw!"
2008 Nazi Shark Record: 4-9
Great Moments In Sports Poop History
Reader Mike B. sends in one of the year's better poop stories. Take it away, Mike.
"I used to work in television, and we used to have to cover the Dallas Cowboys. You owe me for years of therapy, Jerry Jones. Anyway, they were playing Green Bay, and we went to the Packers' locker room to interview a local guy who now played for the Pack. When we're done, my reporter feels the call of nature, and decides that he'll just take a dump in the Green Bay locker room, because the team's pretty much cleared out of there.
"5 minutes later, he comes back to me, as white as a sheet. I asked him if things came out all right (because I'm hilarious) and he replies, ‘God as my witness, when I got up this morning, I never envisioned having to ask Reggie White to pass me the toilet paper.'"
I bet Reggie was surprised as well, seeing as how he believed white people were "blessed with the gift of structure and organization." I bet he thought we always carried toilet paper on us in the event of a poopmergency.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Dick Jauron should have been on here ages ago, and now he's signed a contract extension. A contract extension? Are you fucking kidding me? Nothing says "we're saving money now so we can prepare for a move to Toronto/LA/San Antonio/London/Kandahar" quite like giving that guy an extension. Why not just abandon the head coach position for the team altogether? It's not as if they could do any worse. Every play could just be 32 BEEF MOE.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
The Whopper. I saw a shitload of those "Whopper Virgin" ads last week with the Eskimo lady (or as Dave Attell calls them, "Snow Mexicans"). ZOMG! She's never had a Whopper! Can you believe someone has gone through life without having eaten a four-dollar sandwich made with ground cow balls and spoiled Russian dressing? HOW COULD IT BE? You know damn well they slipped some sea lion blubber into that lady's burger to get her to like it.
You know who else is a Whopper Virgin? I am. I'm not sure I've ever stepped foot inside a Burger King in my life. If there's a McDonald's nearby, what's the fucking point? Oooh, our burgers are flame-broiled! Wow! You know what flame broiling means? It means you put your burgers in a fucking OVEN. How revolutionary.
One-Sentence Excerpt From Men With Balls
"That IUD you bought doesn't work for dudes."
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Brooklyn Lager. As if you needed any more reasons to hate the New York Times, here's one of their trademark columnists using a single personal anecdote to proclaim an entire societal trend:
That dinner party was almost 10 years ago; it was the last time I saw anyone visibly drunk at a New York party. The New York apartments and lofts which were once the scenes of old-fashioned drunken carnage - slurred speech, broken crockery, broken legs and arms, broken marriages and broken dreams - are now the scene of parties where both friendships and glassware survive intact. Everyone comes on time, behaves well, drinks a little wine, eats a few tiny canapés, and leaves on time. They all still drink, but no one gets drunk anymore. Neither do they smoke. What on earth has happened?
Try and follow the logic here. The author hasn't seen anyone get shitfaced in a while. Ergo, no one gets shitfaced anymore. Makes perfect sense to me. Maybe you should go to parties with people other than your fucking bridge club, honey. If you think people in New York don't get drunk anymore, you may very well be the dumbest person alive.
Random FKS-Style Tidbit
I had to install some blinds in the house the other day. To do this, I needed to bust out the tape measure. Anytime I use a tape measure, I always measure out six or seven inches on it, then try and visualize how my penis stacks up. I, of course, exceed the tape by a healthy margin. At least a furlong. It's true!
When I was a teenager, I snuck downstairs in the middle of the night once to measure myself. Only when the cold metal tape touched my dick, it started to soften up. Penises do not like cold metal. Be sure to tell your local dominatrix. So I never got a great reading on my exact measurements. I mean, you don't want to do that reading if you have anything but an adamantium-hard erection. And you're gonna want to press the end of that tape into your pelvis as much as possible. Some may say this is cheating. I say I've got a footlong weisswurst that proves otherwise.
They should invent a fake vagina that also doubles as a penile depth gauge, with inch markings along the side. A sexual graduated cylinder, if you will (be sure to measure at the bottom of your dong's meniscus!) I wouldn't buy it now, but I bet I would have twenty years ago. That's the kind of thing you can do when you're a teenage boy. You can measure yourself. You can fuck fruit. It's a good time to be alive.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, your front-runner for the NFL's MVP thus far is Troy Polamalu of the Steelers. Look at that hair! So wild! So untamed! Fierce? You bet! Animalistic? You know it, baby. In many ways, he reminded me of the time I was shooting with Nicholson in the Pacific Islands. Every night, the tribal leaders would present us with their finest mangoes, and their finest granddaughters! These young girls knew barely anything of the outside world. But that doesn't mean they were so innocent! You'll never find a race of women who enjoyed having Nicholson press a cigar into their genitals more!
"For two weeks, we held orgy after orgy with these tiger women. Passionate? You bet? Dangerous? I've got the bite marks on my ass to prove it!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
A Christmas Story makes it return to the Jamboroo. Do you know why A Christmas Story is a great movie, and why people watch it every year? It's because, unlike every other Hollywood movie ever made, the kids in it act like ACTUAL FUCKING KIDS. You never see real kids in a movie. They're either unbearably cute, or they're gifted at something like space shuttle engineering, or they're unnaturally mature, or they have cancer, or they're fucking ghosts trying to tell you something. And they always, ALWAYS, know better than the adults. They're like little Forrest Gumps, there to help the shithead adult character put everything into perspective with some simple observation. "My God, little Johnny! You're right! Lies DO make your mother sad!"
This is bullshit. Real kids are nothing like that. They're selfish, petty, dishonest, manipulative, dirty, dumb, and immature. And they don't know better. I know this because I was a kid once, and I was an absolute fucking retard until the age of 26. Real kids are like the kids in A Christmas Story. They do idiotic things like stick their tongues on frozen poles. Or they invent elaborate lies about icicles so they can keep their air rifles. Or they get in fights and then cry because they got in a fight. Or they throw their best friend under a bus to stave off an asswhupping (SCHWARTZ!).
What fucking kid out there is anything like Dakota Fanning? 95% of most kids out there are like Ralphie, or the fat kid in Bad Santa (SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU PARTY NAKED). And I find it pathetic that Hollywood hasn't bothered to get it right since 1983. HEY FUCKHEADS, GIVE THE MEXICAN NANNY THE DAY OFF AND STUDY WHAT YOUR LITTLE ASSHOLE KIDS ARE REALLY LIKE.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: "Top Chef" hostess Padma Lakshmi. So very appetizing. Padma was once married to Salman Rushdie. They got divorced soon after Padma realized she had married Salman Rushdie.
I'm a big fan of "Top Chef". Now that the Food Network spends all of its time showcasing big fat shithead redneck Paula Deen and her big fat shithead redneck children making disgusting food for big fat shithead rednecks ("You're gonna love this peanut butter lasagna!"), "Top Chef" is the best place on TV right now for food porn. But it could use some improving. A couple things:
Make Anthony Bourdain A Permanent Judge. This man is a badass. I spend at least an hour with him every week on "No Reservations" in some remote place like New Guinea, watching him as he drinks liquor made from human saliva and eats fried leeches. He's a way better judge than Colicchio, who's an aloof prick.
Find Contestants I Don't Want To Beat To Death With An All Clad Skillet. The fact that Spike lasted until the top 5 last year is an indictment of the entire casting process for this show. I spend the first half of every season waiting for them to remove the 10 or so contestants who clearly can't cook for shit, and think everything they make is three star Michelin quality ("I ADORE my chowder. I think I'm easily in the Top 2.") Seriously, is every aspiring chef in America a complete douche? Wait, I think I know the answer to that.
Stop With The Van. I get it. You don't know what the challenge is going to be. Chances are, it's gonna be something unexpected. Yet they spend five minutes every show with contestants going ZOMG! WHERE ARE THEY TAKING US?! WE COULD BE GOING ANYWHERE! Yeah well, you're going somewhere to fucking cook something. So shut the fuck up and cook it.
-For the gals: Actor Hugh Jackman. Hugh will be hosting the Oscars this year. Um, goody. Eh, he can't be that bad. It's not like they ever let the comedians who host tell jokes that are actually funny anyway. Anything's an improvement over Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, look! She's stammering! And being meek! That's hilarious!
Your Motivational Pregame Quote For The Weekend
"I have a life. And it only goes in one direction. Forward."
Enjoy the games, everyone.