Wake up, shitheads! Time for you to get up, swallow 15 Advil, put your pants back on, and stagger home like the dirty, filthy people you are. Here are the bowl games you’ll need to nurse that hangover…
11AM Outback Bowl: South Carolina vs. Iowa (ESPN)
This is the one you’ll watch because nothing else is on and you just want the pain to subside.
1PM Capital One Bowl: Georgia vs. Michigan State (ABC disguised as ESPN)
Formerly the Citrus Bowl. As Steve Spurrier once said, you can’t spell Capital One Bowl without UGA! Or at least the A.
1PM Gator Bowl: Nebraska vs. Clemson (CBS)
4:30PM Rose Bowl: Penn State vs. USC (ABC disguised as ESPN)
Joe Paterno will be, once again, coaching from the booth. This way, you don’t have to see the colostomy bag.
8:30PM Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Cincinnati (FOX)
Jesus, this is the fucking Orange Bowl? Shouldn’t this be the Papajohns.com Bowl? Miami/Nebraska this ain’t. But hey, it’s New Year’s Day, and you’re one step away from grim death, so any real football will do now, won’t it?
Consider the comment section below your all day Hugh Johnson project. So sit back, mix up a Bloody Mary, find the greasiest breakfast you can, and enjoy the day. Happy 2009, gang.