• You're still an alcoholic: Look, no one is impressed by morons throwing ping pong balls into beer cups except other morons. Oh, and Rick Reilly. [LAist]

• Boy toy: Mark Teixeira meets the New York media, blames his wife for his current predicament, then pays an orphan $2 million to fetch him a new watch fob from the silversmith. [Lo Hud + NECN]

• Great name though: Finally, a snooty upper-class boxer that people will gladly pay to see get beat up. [Black Book]

• Trapped in the closet: You know, I was just thinking that the Cavaliers need a third alternate jersey. I was just going to throw this $90 in the street, but that will work too. [WFNY]

• Rick Pitino, Motivational Speaker: "I basically told [Edgar Sosa] that if I were you I’d transfer, and I wouldn’t wait." And that actually worked! [Rush The Court]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.