• A victimless crime?: Two Southampton strikers are accused of attacking a man with their kebabs. No, I'm talking about the food. What are you talking about? [Sports Rubbish]

• Uh-oh: Meanwhile, the Premier League discovers the "cease and desist." You don't want to know what kind of meat they're carrying. [The Offside]

• [Crickets]: Who wants Plaxico Burress on their team? Anyone? Anyone ... ? [Phinallly Philly]

• You don't know Dick: Look, Chicago—you can't blame Dick Stockton for all your problems. Believe me, I've tried. [Rumors and Rants]

• Too easy: Is Jim Bowden trying to hit on Adam Dunn's wife? Of course not! Everyone knows the Nationals can't hit. [National Enquirer]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.