Your live blogger for this game will be SLAM Online's Ben Collins. He once narrowly escaped the shank of Sean Williams.
Here's a brief primer of the goings-on tonight:
- As far as I can tell, there are three could-be pros among these teams, Demar Derozan and Taj Gibson on USC and Tyrese Rice on BC. Everyone else will be referred to as Reggie Bush and Doug Flutie respectively.
- If there is any reference to Shamari Spears eating something on the court, this is because he is fat. Duh.
- No one blocks shots like Mamadou (Diarra). That is to say no one blocks shots at all (0.1 b/pg)
- USC ran the table in their conference tournament, beating Devon Hardin's Arizona State to take it. Stanford, in between sips of their Chardonnay and pages of Faulkner, beat them three weeks before that. So who the hell knows.
- BC took down #1 North Carolina then lost to Harvard at home, which is like winning the lottery and dying in a jetski accident the next day. (A very smart jetski accident). They also beat up Duke, Maryland and Florida State.
- BC has no upper-classmen. They're like Miley Cyrus a year ago. Is she attractive? Yup. Do you really want to admit this in public? Depends on if you live in Alabama.
Also, please visit SLAMonline.com, the premier website on the Internet to argue with 13-year-olds about the release dates of shoes.
72-55, USC. They could take down Michigan State next round. Thank you, Deadspin folks. You're all so pretty. I hope to see you again sometime at SLAMonline. We'll make fun of other games.
Come visit. It's like the ballpit of the Internet, but you won't be arrested if you go in it.
0:56 - Addendum: He should not bring a gun.
0:57 - Taj Gibson still hasn't missed. He should pursue attending a nightclub tonight, for it shall be a poon fiesta.
1:40 - Down 65-53 with less than two minutes left, here comes the BC press. Al Skinner makes Tim Floyd look like Deepak Chopra.
2:27 - Anybody remember 4-through-15 point hot spots on NBA Jam/MTV Rock 'N' Jock. 16-seeds should have that shit available in the last two minutes of the first round. Like anyone in the world wouldn't watch that. That would even enthrall the kids in Slumdog Millionaire. And, on last check, those people are dying.
2:27 - Gibson can make this a fifteen point game with 2:27 to play. It's OK, I didn't like my bracket anyway.
3:51 - Dwight Lewis is hitting shots from behind the backboard. This Fred Savage movie is about pirates.
Weird, I had no idea I was drunk. 64-51, USC.
6:20 - Taj Gibson hates missing. 58-48, USC. BC is slowly slipping away. We might see Lil' Romeo and his diamond encrusted arm-sleeve.
6:52 - Wait, sorry, that's also "Bambi." Movies! So confusing!
6:53 - Another timeout! OK, new movie. Fred Savage is in this one. He's worrying about his grandfather. He says he doesn't want him to come because "he always pinches his cheek." He's also afraid he might hurt him with his man parts.
8:01 - Wait, no, sorry, that's "Bambi." My bad.
8:03 - Cusack check: it's snowing. Chick who looks like Sandra Bullock is holding his hand. It sounds like Ray Lamontagne's pubescent borther is singing in the background. They're kissing and there's a lens flare. Now they're in a dining room. Wait, no, that's a Macy's. "Happy Anniversary." He's pouring her wine. He's going to get her drunk and hurt her with his man parts.
9:47 - Rakim Sanders keeps your bracket alive. 52-47 on a Baghdadian chaos transition three.
9:55 - Taj Gibson just dunked his way into the first round of the NBA draft. Sorry, Craig Brackens of Iowa State. 52-44.
12:49 - Wait, no you wouldn't.
12:50 - DeRozan layup. Gibson jumper. 46-44, USC. You'd figure that Al Skinner would figure out that those are the only two players scoring.
16:00 - Al Skinner permanently stands like someone is always elbowing him in the kidney.
17:34 - Taj Gibson, who hasn't missed, hates rims, so he decides to yell at it and tug on it. 37-37. This game is getting close enough that someone is going to cry when they lose, like Adam Morrison, or John Cusack, currently, on Bravo.
18:26 - Dwight "Orlando Magic Processed Beef" Lewis makes me look incorrect. Counter 3. 37-35, BC.
19:33 - Rakim Sanders opens this up like the gap between not-Gus Johnson's teeth with a 3. 37-32.
- Nice chompers on the guy who isn't Gus Johnson. I wonder what brand of ottoman he is fashioning with his gums?
- Will someone please explain to me what the hell this is on NBC? Is this what purgatory is like?
- Why did she change her name to "Irish Setter?"
- Animal Planet has Kurt Warner's wife on now! Weird!
- Discovery can officially change its name to "Guys in Caves with Glasses on, Except for Cash Cab."
- There's Campbell Brown, making even autism talk sexy.
- Something with John Cusack is on Bravo. It looks like he's only on the second breakup of the movie, so you've got plenty of time.
- What are you folks doing in tonight? Don't be so lonely! Here, look, let's flip channels.
0:07 - Corey Raji, who should combine names with Taj Gibson to create Taj Raji and compete with Iris Macadangdang, drains both free throws. 34-30, Boston College at half. Raji leads all scorers with 13.
0:22 - "I'll tell you, Al Skinner never turns down opportunities." Gus: "Ahahahaha." Really, folks? Do tell! Does this have to do with bumping and grinding again?
2:25 - This analyst just started sounding like Clyde Frazier like twenty seconds ago. He must have several thousand cotton balls in his mouth.
4:05 - SpaceCowgirl01: "Wow did you hear those noisy BC fans shrieking during SC's free throw shots?" Yep. See, here's why BC has a slight home court advantage. When someone from Boston goes to Minnesota in March, it's called "going on vacation." When someone from Los Angeles goes to Minnesota in March, it's called "running from the FBI."
4:53 - Taj Gibson hits a bucket plus the foul. USC has the lead 25-23. What do you mean, "am I fine?" Sure am! Boy, I love basketball.
6:20 - Things are happening but no one is scoring and there is just so much, so much maroon I don't know what to do I can't handle all this maroon the court is maroon the jerseys are maroon the lettering is maroon there are maroon people did you know that and it's probably racist please there will be scoring soon please yes please oh hello.
7:37 - Tim Floyd will not allow the only white guy on the floor to hit a three. Timeout USC. 23-18, Eagles du Chestnut Hill. Huddle: "Tyler Roche? He looks like a golfer! His name sounds like he's in Gwar! This one's on you, Reggie Bushes."
8:19 - Gus: "They are bumpin' and grindin' with each other." "They've gotta be careful." Must... resist... herpes... joke...
9:48 - Mr. October to the hoop for the bucket for the 18-16 lead. No noticeable full-crank, post-home run fistpump. You're such a bad Reggie Jackson.
12:42 - If I thought we'd have fun with Stephen F. Austin jokes, imagine how awesome a week of "Morehead State" jokes would be. Pull it off, Morehead. Pull it off for a surplus of hummers.
12:42 - Foul counters all those jumpers USC is hitting. 16-13 Troj... HOLY SHIT, BC HAS A GUY NAMED REGGIE JACKSON.
12:48 - Huh-ho!
13:22 - While we have a lull, want to hear a nice, adjustable-for-Tennessee-football Boston College joke? What's the difference between Atlantic City, Las Vegas and a Boston College locker room? (Wait for it...) You can't bet on basketball in Atlantic City.
13:42 - Gibson to Derozan, who truly hates the rim. Ooph. That dunk reminds me of the lesser parts of my childhood. 12-9 USC.
16:09 - Murder me.
16:10 - Dwight Lewis, a veritable hot dog of names from every player on the Orlando Magic, drains his second three. He's hot as a southern California sun!
16:40 - Tyrese Rice will be taking over now, kthx. Three and a layup ties it at 7.
17:18 - USC seems to be running the Layups Are What Created Chlamydia offense, refuse to push the ball past the three point line.
19:06 - Doug Flutie with a noisy follow. He has put on some weight!
Jump - Reggie Bush and Reggie Bush fight over the tip, and it falls out of bounds.
- Tim Floyd sometimes looks like he has no teeth.
- This game has been blessed with Gus Johnson, Warrior of Fine Dining! Should be a fun night, especially if it's not a fun night.
6:30 CBS NEWS GAME NOTES:
- Nice play by wardrobe as Russ Mitchell looks HANDSOME tonight.
- Sweet toss to the story about Chinese boats surrounding an American vessel. Looks like the Navy is overreacting, as someone just ordered a number 4 with egg roll.
- Was anybody else secretly hoping Stephen F. Austin would pull this off today so we could deal with a week's worth of Stone Cold Steve Austin jokes? Me surely!