Your live blogger for this game will be Rick Paulas. Remember him? He did a couple Deadspin weekends last year?
Right off the bat, let's get this off my chest: I know fuck all about college basketball. My credentials for writing this are solely that I attended Michigan State University during their 2000 championship run, which in turn led me to see five different female breasts during the Mardi Gras-like celebration that ensued. As such, if I get some of the "rules" wrong, get off my back! (Apparently, there's this line that the players can attempt shots behind that will give them three points instead of two if they make it! Who knew?)
Just to set the scene, I'm in now-dark Southern California, midway through my third beer, watching the game on the NCAA feed on my desktop computer – in HD, to see every one of Izzo's beautiful, beautiful hairs! – and typing furiously on my laptop, which is resting on my lap, warming my genitals, murdering millions of sperm as we speak.
The winner of this game gets to take on the [insert condom joke here] of USC. But most importantly, this game leads us West Coasters almost RIGHT into the series finale of "Battlestar Galactica". If any of you East Coasters throw spoilers up on this thread, I will track you down and murder you in your sleep. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna whip ya silly, and I'm gonna fuck ya stupid.
Let's do the man-dance!
PRE-GAME - I don't care how often I see him, Tom Izzo is as close to a Leprechaun Coach as we're ever going to get.
19:57 - Almost immediately, Raymar Morgan shows Robert Morris who the REAL financier is. Whatever that means. Slam-dunk, 2-0.
17:20 - And just like that, Robert Morris is back in the game. And since we're going to be here awhile, just know that RoMo is now how I'm shortening the name of this odd school. 8-7, Spartans.
16:09 - If anyone has the "less than 4 minutes into the game" square for how long it would take to mention Izzo's focus on rebounding, you're a winner!
14:56 - Great and-1 drive to the hoop by Nuwigmay? Noowignay? I'd look his name up, but I don't even know how to pronounce it.
Commercial Break - I guess it's time to take Arby's off the list of places I'll be eating at in the near future. I know they're making a point that they're not greasy, but I still didn't need the visual of a grease-ball high schooler wiping his hair back with a burger.
13:35 - I'm going to go with Nuwigway. Is this somehow racist if I don't care enough to look it up? Spartans up, 17-14.
12:27 - I already admitted that I haven't seen a WHOLE lot of college basketball this year, but I have seen a number of MSU games, which is why I'd like to say that I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Robert Morris wins this match-up. If MSU starts going cold - something they've done nearly every other game all year - then the Big Ten could be looking awfully foolish after this weekend. 19-18, Sparty.
Commercial Break - Do girls really have sex with you immediately if you use Axe Body Spray, as if they're an armpit roofie? Does anyone have any insight on this, by chance?
10:40 - A blocked shot lands right in the large, should-be-Eastern-European arms of Goran Suton, leading to an old fashioned 3-point play. 22-18, Spartans.
10:21 - John Segel? JOHN Segel? I'm sorry, Gus Johnson. It's JASON Segel that's on "How I Met Your Mother". You might remember him from the enormous cock he showed off in "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". Your ass just got served!
9:07 - Len Elmore has the rulebook sitting open in his lap, doesn't he? 26-23, Spartans.
Commercial Break - Regarding the "Resident Evil 5" commercial: Isn't it a cheat to use that "Requiem for a Tower" score in, well, anything anymore?
Commercial Break? - So, um, something happened in the game for about 2 seconds and then they went right back to commercials, including the awesomely homoerotic Sheraton Hotels one with a bunch of same-sex couples showcasing their fetish for wearing rival school's outfits, something you just know they're going to "punish" each other for later in the bedroom. (Hint: By "punish" I mean "sexual intercourse"!)
7:37 - Robert Morris can't even check in right? Step it up, small school! This is the big leagues!
5:59 - New-wig-weigh ties up the game with a nice 20-footer and completely destroys the Internet in the process, sticking my computer on "Buffering" mode for a good 30 seconds. 28-28.
4:15 - Kalin Lucas double-clutch reverse kick-flip 360 beauty puts MSU up, 32-30.
3:44 - During the timeout, I got the following text message from my younger sister: "Who is John Holmes?" I'm kind of scared to answer.
2:58 - A nondescript Robert Morris player throws up a shot, which gets halfway down before rattling out. Kind of like sexual intercourse! Am I right, people? (Note: While I was crafting that amazing joke, MSU just went on a run. 41-30, MSU.)
Commercial Break - Since this looks to be the time when MSU starts getting serious, and when Robert Morris starts playing like Robert Morris (presumably), this sucker's about to get boring real quick. As such, here's a very NSFW image of a man having sex with his tailpipe. You're welcome.
Halftime - MSU heads into the locker room with a 41-30 lead over Robert Morris, and even though RoMo has put up a bit of a fight, this seems like it might already be in books. The Spartans ended the half with an 11-point run, and it won't be surprising if, after the first 5 minutes of the second half, MSU is up by 20 points or so. Which means it's time for another beer. Go ahead and crack one open, readers. You've earned it.
Still Halftime - Goddamnit. I'm really upset I didn't do the reverse-time-posting version of the live-blog like everyone else. I'm sorry that you all have to scroll down every time after refreshing. But that just means you'll get an extra shot at clicking on the "guy fucking his car" link above. Lemons into lemonade.
Halftime, Continuing - This AT&T "At the Half" has all of the production value of my high school TV production class. And boom goes the dynamite!
Halftime, But We're Getting Close - This live feed from the NCAA website of the half-time activities, with it's camera in the corner of the stadium is kind of mesmerizing. I think I lost the last 5 minutes of my life to a daze.
18:45 - Morgan plays with the smaller non-rebounding folk of Robert Morris before getting fouled on the shot, misses both, and MSU gets the rebound, misses the shot, MSU gets another one, and puts it in. 43-30, MSU as CBS showcases the 9.9 rebounding margin lead that MSU has had for the year. They LOVE to rebound!
17:30 - Morgan's on the sideline, stretching his knee out, which would be big news if Robert Morris hasn't scored a field goal in the last 8 minutes.
15:35 - Alley oop puts the finishing touches on a 21-point run by the Spartans of East Lansing, giving them a 51-30 lead. Let's go ahead and mark this one as "over". At least point, I'd recommend changing over to another live blog for a more exciting game. Maybe Florida State-Wisconsin. Or Ohio State-Siena. Pretty much anything but this.
15:22 - And Robert Morris is on the second-half board with a pair of free throws. 51-32, MSU.
14:25 - Time to run some clock off, boys. That "Battlestar Galactica" series finale isn't going to watch itself.
12:34 - Goran Suton, who's had a monster of a game on the boards tonight, knocks a rebound to a teammate who dribble-drives for the deuce. 58-39, MSU.
Commercial Break - Honestly, go watch another game. I'll get over it. Think about yourselves.
Commercial Break - Don't these Coke Zero people realize that they're owned by the same people as Coke? Seems like they shouldn't want the main product to do poorly, especially in these hard economic times.
10:31 - Suton hits the jumper, to go along with 17 rebounds, as MSU takes a 64-41 lead. And this is now what I think about this game, [Via Eye on Springfield]:
9:23 - Suton hits another jumper, giving him 11 points so far. He's easily the MVP of the game, if that matters.
8:31 - Marquis Gray pulls a bone-headed move by fouling a RoMo player on the shot, giving them a 3-point opportunity. The free throw cuts the lead to 66-49, MSU, and gives Izzo a much-needed "coachable moment" with the youngster.
Commercial Break - I'm not afraid to say it: The Beer Guy Falling Down The Aisle is easily the weakest of the Southwest "Want to Get Away?" commercials.
5:29 - Morgan throws down another dunk, giving MSU a 71-50 lead. Zzzzzzzz ....
4:10 - If my updates have been more and more sporadic, you'll have to excuse me. The Ohio State-Siena game just got pretty interesting.
3:38 - And Tom Izzo clears his bench, which means the white folks are coming in! His team is ahead 73-52. This win sets up a very intriguing battle Sunday between these East Lansingettes and the Trojans of Southern California. Everyone immediately got on the USC bandwagon after their dominant win earlier tonight, but if the MSU team plays like this, they'll be sleep-walking into the Sweet 16.
3:00 - Hey, that Wisconsin-Florida State is getting kind of interesting as well. Go watch that one!
2:15 - MSU takes a 75-55 lead. And if I hear another whistle, I'm going to egg some ref's house.
1:03 - And with the score 75-62, Tom Izzo calls a timeout. Jerk. You better believe I'm not writing another post until the end of this monstrosity.
Final - And the game, mercifully, comes to an end. After a good first 15 minutes, Michigan State started taking Robert Morris seriously, making this a blow-out really quick. If you had to point to one big factor as to why MSU ended up winning, it's that they were much, much, much, much, much, much, much better than Robert Morris. 77-62 is your final. Keep it safe, boys and girls.