Martellus Bennett's Blog Is A Thing Of Beauty

Martellus Bennett (no relation) is best known for his fine performance on HBO's Hard Knocks and his ability to rhyme "Romo" with "homo." Now he's a blogger....and he is awesome at it.

The Dallas Morning News has turned their "Cowboy Insider" blog over to the second-year tight end, which might be the great business decision they've ever made. His first post ever was on April Fool's Day and he chose to open with the story of a buddy who found himself on a date with a woman who was not as attractive as he remembered when he first asked her out. Dilemma!

Instead of leaving he orders popcorn, sour patches and two big 44oz drinks and proceeds into the movie finds them a seat and begins to sip his drink. He watches the previews and tells her that they need to go see one of the future movies in the previews if they ever go to the movie together again and smiles. Then he goes "man this is some strong stuff it is going straight threw me I have to go to the restroom". Gets up and walks all the way to his car gets in it starts it and leaves. Hahaha. Didn't tell her bye or anything just left. Now that's funny but is truly messed up.

Yes. Yes, it is. But Marty B assures us he would have handled it differently.

And that comes to WWMBD which stands for What Would Marty B Do? Now if I were in this situation I would have handled it differently, first I would have said I wasn't feeling well the moment I saw her, that wouldve set me up to be sick at any time. Then I would've order some of the same snacks and made sure I got nachos because we all know how they can upset a stomach. Then I would've went in the movie and began to live it up during the previews while destroying all the snacks. Next I woulda been like man those nachos got my stomach churning I need to use the restroom. This is awesome at this point I'm laughing in my head. Then I would leave the theater, go wherever while texting her the whole time like I was in the bathroom. Then I would return towards the end of the movie. That's perfect I must say this is the way to go about it. Hahahaha.

OMG, that frickin' genius. The next day he takes a shot at Mel Kiper Jr., because obviously no human could watch that much game film, but that was just a warmup for this:

I believe in aliens. I've actually seen four or five of them in my lifetime. Although they aren't as smart as everyone seems to think. I played one in monopoly, checkers, and chess and I destroy him/her couldn't really tell which it was so I'm just going to call it It.

Oh. I did not see that coming. He then goes on to compete in some sort of Alien vs. Marty decathlon, a sporting contest that he may believe actually happened. Fortunately, he brings things back to Earth (see what I did there?) with today's post...

Man what do you do if your chic farts?It doesn't seem as if women should fart. I was walking in the grocery store in the chips and dips aisle. This lady was walking in front of me pushing her cart she stopped to pick up some pringles and let one rip. Sounded like a growl and and a motor but smelt like a dead carcus. OMG! Now I knew it wasn't me LOL and we were the only two people on the aisle. She just smiled and kept walking like nothing happened the smell followed her. I swear I could see it like smoke out of a train just nasty.

Where is the subscribe button? Where?!!! I don't know what Marty B would do next, but I know what he should do and that is never stop blogging. Ever. He is a gift from writing heaven.

Cowboys Insider Blog [Dallas Morning News]
Martellus Bennett Is Blogging Now [Laddy McFaddy]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.

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