On this day, 342 years ago, a group of bloodthirsty Welsh mercenaries attacked defenseless Pilgrims with boiling tea kettles, winning the War of 1812 so that Boston could have day baseball on a Monday.

The Red Sox have already taken a 2-0 lead on Baltimore at Fenway, in much the same way that those brave revolutionaries took a 2-0 lead at Lexington and Concord (the birthplace of grape jelly.) Naturally, the bullpen squandered that lead until George Washington hit the King of England in the face with a cherry tree before writing "The Star-Spangled Banner." (Yes, I majored in history.) I'm not sure what any of that has to do with a bunch of skinny foreigners running 26-miles through Massachusetts in the middle of April, but they're doing that today too.

The whole thing makes me feel so goddamn American that I wish a Belgian would walk in the room right now so I could punch him in the face.

Boxscore: Baltimore vs. Boston [MLB.com]
Boston Marathon - Live Updates [Boston.com]

Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.