The post-to-post format is groovy but just a little taxing. So let's get down to the live blog tomfoolery everyone knows and/or loves. Refresh, relax, and remember Bea Arthur for who she was.
7:30 — Evander Hood. DT. Steelers. I've run out of name puns.
Which is fortunate, because this live blog is fini.
7:27 — Wha? What's going on? Oh, it appears a puddle of drool formed on its own. It appears Chris "Beaneater" Wells is now playing for the Arizona Cardinals.
7:18 — Wideouts! Get your wideouts! Kenny Britt goes to the Titans, because he sounds like a guy that Nashville would love and put on a morning radio show.
7:09 — It's the Giant's turn. Hakeem Nicks will be their guy to forget about Plaxico Burress. AND THIS PLACE IS BUMPIN'! Especially that huge painted up Giants fan in the front row. Tom Coughlin's face is red with excitement. Or anger. Or perhaps marinara sauce.
7:04 — The Bills get clockin'. They go with ... Eric Wood. But then again, he wouldn't.
7:01 — Now the Colts get to select someone. Donald Brown. Donald Brown. He's a clown. Donald Brown.
6:59 — And now for a brief timeout on the podium, to take some time to thank the men and women in the armed forces. Touching, if not completely random. BACK TO THE BIG BOARD.
6:55 — Another trade and pick and zzzzzzzz....
6:48 — Cornerback Vontae Davis gets taken by the Dolphins, giving them someone with opposable thumbs.
6:46 — As the NFLN comes back from commercial, they pan into the guys at the table, but you can also see the ESPN table off to the side. I wonder if, between picks, John Gruden and Keyshawn Johnson make lewd faces at each other, or at the very least, do the head squishing thing.
6:42 — The Falcons select Ole Miss defensive tackle Peria Jerry with the 24th pick, which means we've reached the point in the draft in which the casual fan affirms that he knows shit about college football anymore. All anyone wants to know from here on out:
• Quarterbacks selected
• Running backs selected
• The first kicker selected
• Players from "their" school selected
• If there's anything else on TV
• No there is nothing else on TV
• And how long of a nap is too long
6:40 — Michael Oher, standing on the podium with his family: "you mean I'm gonna stay this color?"
6:36 — The Ravens pick Michael Oher. Great pick. With our next ... oh, wait, that's right, we invited Oher to this whole thing. [sigh] All right, bring him out h... MICHAEL! Congratulations! You have a bright future in this league! Here, hold this. Smile. Now pretend I'm your offensive coordinator and MOVE MOVE MOVE THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
6:35 — The Patriots select ... someone else's draft pick. There have been enough anticlimactic trades in this first round to fill an entire key party.
6:29 — The Vikings select wide receiver Percy Harvin. Expect him to be the starting quarterback next year.
6:27 — Wait, a football player? What the fuck are the Browns going to do with that?
6:22 — Fantastic banter leading to commercial on NFLN. "I love what they're doing." "Who?" [ad]
6:20 — The Lions' second first-round pick is ... Matthew Stafford, quarterback, Georgia. Great need pick. It's quite daring to draft someone twice, but I admire the courage and innovation. I'd have gone with tight end Brandon Pettigrew myself, but that's why I'm sitting here.
6:19 — Eisen asks Goodell about tweeting. "Someone explain this to me." YOU WERE JUST DOING IT.
6:13 — Donovan McNabb gets someone to throw to! That should be open and stjuff! The Eagles trade for the Browns' 19th pick and take Jeremy Maclin. What is this fancy theory Philly's trying to pull off? Wide receivers? That'll never work.
6:11 — You know, I'm about to believe nobody from the Browns is actually in the building.
6:07 — I'm concerned that the Broncos are palling around with Robert Ayers. Josh McDaniels is a terrorist.
6:06 — Also how many people did they invite to the NFL Draft? The green room turned into a goddamn clown car.
6:05 — God, these NFL prospects are just like us. They are always on their cell phones and watching TV. There is a disparity of empty pizza boxes, however. (Also, they're talking to girls.)
6:01 — The Bucs claim one fourth of a back in Josh Freeman I'm going to defer to my Blogcritics colleague Jay Skipworth on this pick (who, ahem, is doing what I'm doing right now. Read both.) He's not impressed with Freeman, noting the number of balls he bounces in front of his receivers. "He's got a curveball better than Doug Drabek." He's scheduled to pitch next Thursday for the Rays.
6:00 — Tampa's gonna pick someone. Hey Gruden, who are you going to ... I mean, wait, what are you doing up here with the NFL Network anchors? You ... you got FIRED!? Oh man, I am so sorry, we had no idea.
5:57 — KEEP TRADING DOWN! The Browns, with the pick they got from the Jets, trade it again, this time to Tampa Bay. At this rate, the Browns will hoard all the picks for the 2012 NFL Draft. A shrewd move by Mark Mangini.
5:55 — The Browns biological clock is also ticking. It's probably best for no young male to get involved with them right now.
5:52 — MID. AMERICAN. CONFERENCE. Larry English will fill the "NIU alum" void on the Chargers created when Michael Turner left for Atlanta. I just wish I'd heard of him before today.
5:46 — The Houston Texans are able to look past things like ponytails in order to draft linebacker Brian Cushing.
5:41 — The Saints will opt for cornerback Malcolm Jenkins. He's a proven performer. The Saints should do quite well in World of Warcraft raids next season.
5:34 — The Redskins draft Brian Orakpo, a defensive end. I'm sure Redskins fans are livid about this pick, because that's just how they're programmed to feel.
5:32 — Reeling from his loss in the Name of the Year tournament, Knowshon Moreno becomes the latest running back for the Denver Broncos. Tremendous value pick. Moreno has his own space shuttle.
5:28 — The Bills quickly get to business and take defensive end Aaron Maybin. Great need pick. Terrell Owens needed someone to blame when the team starts 2-5.
5:26 — Crabtree: "I can't wait to learn anything from anybody." I believe that's called the Wikipedia Methodology of Football Tutelage.
5:25 — How's the ESPN coverage? Did Berman get through the entire Eagles discography yet?
5:22 — There we have it. Michael Crabtree gets swiped up by the 49ers at the No. 10 selection. Now it's time to vacuum the green room and clear the tables, because the national Apples to Apples championship will be taking place there.
5:15 — The Packers make their pick. Whoa, the dude from Johnny Quest? Did they really need someone with a turban? Sounds like a value pick. Oh ... B.J. Raji. Looks like my TV needs some tuning.
5:14 — I tell ya, when sports executives write on Twitter they sound like absolute retards:
eugene says it's unreal. just unreal
Ain't that the truth.
5:11 — Eugene Monroe lined his socks with bacon. I immediately like his pro potential.
5:09 — Three minutes later, Eugene Monroe finally goes up to the stage. Here's what happened between the announcement and him taking the stage:
5:07 — The Jag-yoo-ars call dibs on O-tackle Eugene Monroe. Good "need" pick, as they say in the draftology business. They needed someone to give Maurice Jones-Drew piggyback rides during practice.
5:01 — NFL Network coverage is extremely more tolerable. The normally brain-exploding Deion Sanders seems reserved as the field reporter. Rich Eisen has aged well. If I were a batshit insane news anchor, I'd totally want to do him.
4:57 — The Raiders can plant their Crabtree! But no, they'll instead go with ... um, Darrius Heyward-Bey. This couldn't have worked out better for Heyward-Bey. This also couldn't have worked out better for Michael Crabtree, who doesn't have to play in Oakland.
4:51 — The Bengals take ... Jigglystuff! Carson Palmer no longer has to block for himself by throwing the ball into the blitzer's crotch.