Shutting Down The Internet, At Least For Occasional Five-Minute Intervals

Brett Favre. Don't you freaking dare. Just don't. Seriously. If John Madden has retired, man, there's nobody left anymore. Even Peter King is tired of writing about you. We can't take it. I'd rather see Dan Marino come back.

(Warning: All this goes out the window if he promises, upon "returning," to have a sex boat part for rookie initiation. He can make that promise, right? To make it easier on him, let's just make it a sex tractor party. I think my dad has some power tools calendar in his garage that's halfway there already.)