A good portion of Americans join softball leagues this time of the year. Many do it for the social aspect alone, which leaves many teams stockpiled with players who are ridiculously awful.
Each week, we'll rundown some of the more comically bad softball atrocities by some of these players. If you've got your own, please send it along to firstname.lastname@example.org. Of course, these are [Sic'd] for your viewing pleasure.
Sir, Your Foot Appears To Be Dying
I thought you might be interested in this, which I think is grosser than the guy who caught a softball in face. I was covering home, there was a play at the plate. I was set up like a first baseman, glove arm up to make the catch and make the tag when the third baseman, who was about 10 feet away from me, heaved a fastball at my ankle. it made a loud enough sound that people on the next field heard it. It hurt. I continued to play that day, as it was the first game of a tournament, which we won. I resisted going to the dr. for almost a week.
Ed. Note: Amazingly, his foot is fine now. And Mike's team, The Cleavers, won that fateful night. He's a soldier!
When Day-Drinking Goes Horribly Wrong
A few years back, a buddy of mine played softball on Sunday evenings for his work. One particular Sunday, we spent all day on a boat drinking heavily from a keg. He had a game at 7pm that day and we decided to bring the remainder of the beer to the game that night. At the end of the fourth innning he came out for a kegstand. He ended up going 0-5 with 5 K's that day and somehow crapped his pants a little. Heres a couple of pics from that day.
Jose And Ozzie Canseco Will Never Help Your Team Win
we're away, other team is home, it's the top of the third, we're up, and i run over to coach first base. these dudes we're playing look pretty solid, big bats, bunch of athletes, but we got a jump on them in the first with three runs and tacked on two more in the second. so, our first guy up hits a nice liner for a double, and as i'm yelling out some chatter, i see these two sizeable men running up to the other team's dugout with their baseball gear "we got so goddamn lost, those directions were terrible" blah blah blah. wait, these dudes are fucking huge. and, gosh, that one kind of looks like, is that, no, but he looks like jose canseco. wow, so does the other one. but no way, right? who are these guys? i'm sort of tripping out as they walk into the dugout and start stretching a bit when i hear their guy playing first base utter "don't worry about it...jose, ozz, warm up and we'll get you in next inning." yeah, jose, ozz - it's fucking jose canseco and his brother ozzie. these dudes are big, and they're about to play against us, and i'm thinking "is this even legal in our league?" we;re about to play against some former major leaguers and, as if you don't know, some former major juice heads. (note: most of us thought their left fielder was eric davis, but never really got a confirmation on that, but either way, you could tell he played some form of pro ball, he was that good and just natural)
this is cool as shit!
so, jose's first AB - now, our league is slow pitch, but we're in the highest league and the pitchers, for the most part, are really good at throwing moon balls, i mean really high balls that come down and are pretty tricky at times to make solid contact, especially if you're used to hardball - and, we have no fences in our league, so if a ball gets past you, pretty much a homer, but the upside is you can play super deep.
so, keith, our pitcher, throws a sick moonball to jose on the first pitch and jose swung so damn hard he about screwed himself right into the ground...and missed! it was awesome. then second pitch he crushed the crap out of it but our left fielder was smartly playing in pasadena, so was able to catch it. same went for ozzie. next AB ozzie hit a weak little dribbler to thrird and was thrown out. then jose crushed a nice ball in the gap for a double.
they played shortstop and third, jose and ozzie respectively. and yours truly, who was batting cleanup last night (what's up), for my last AB, i hit a damn lazer that was a sure base hit, maybe a double, what i thought was over third's head, but ozzie climbed the ladder and caught it in the top of his glove...nobody else in our league catches that ball, seriously. he's about 6'4' and has some serious hops.
so, as i sit here with said remnants of hangover, just thought i'd share this pretty awesome, pretty surreal night i had last night. i've found myself in and around some funny situations out here in hollywood, but this one was pretty memorable. memorable especially since we beat those dudes, 10-7. chalk it up to stellar defense, and some clutch out-of-the-gate hitting.
Fing jose and ozzie canseco...
It Doesn't Look That Bad
A friend of mine wanted to play softball last season, and he apparently hadn't thrown a softball/baseball since he was a little kid. We brought him out to play on our really, really crappy team, figuring he wouldn't be dragging us down no matter what. Things started off bad when he sent his wife out to buy him a glove. She bought him some tiny, plastic-looking thing that was not going to help his struggling skills. Plus, you just gotta buy your own fargin glove.
So we got down to the fields early so my boy could warm up after a 10-year layoff. We started with a few tosses, then went to pop-ups (since he'd probably be playing outfield). I'm not talking moon shots, either-I was just kinda lobbing it up there, maybe 20 feet high.
I think he caught a few before he fully misjudged one and caught it with his face. I thought it tipped off his tiny glove, but the other guy with us swears it never even touched the glove. Either way, it sounded like someone whacking a slab of beef with a paddle. Our boy went down in a heap, and when he got up I figured he'd be a bloody mess. Instead, there was no blood, and his face looked pretty normal. Then he opened his mouth and we noticed he'd shorn off one of his front teeth. The crazy thing is how clean it was-not jagged or anything, just a clean break, halfway up the tooth, right at the gumline. Awesome.
He took this photo with his iPhone to see how bad it was. I wish I could have taken a photo of his face when he looked at the photo. He was just crushed.
Word is he's not allowed to play softball any more. No word on the fate of that kickass glove. Good news is that he found a dentist who reattached the tooth and you can't even tell it was ever shorn off.