ABC made a mistake when they somehow let the
onlymost marketable face on their game show get booted off in the first week. Well, thanks to the magic of television that's all a distant memory!
Joanna Krupa and Terrell Owens' Team Ego failed miserably on the first week of The Superstars, but Week Two began with the announcement that Jennifer Capriati had suffered a mysterious injury and would not be continuing. The solution? Bring back T.O.'s team! Oh, and look ... this week's events just happen to be sprinting and jumping. Do you think an NFL wide receiver might be good at that?
The first half-hour of the show involved the always riveting "running in a straight line competition," in which Owens destroyed the competition. Even when half-assing it—and with maybe the slowest possible partner—he cruised to victory. And when he did decide to turn it on, his speed is actually kind of impressive. Julio Iglesias Jr. didn't stand a chance!
At least the event did provide the first legit injury of the competition. Dan Cor-tay-zay blew out his hammy running across a beach. Cortese is down! Cortese is down! He even went to a awesome Bahamas hospital. This shit is for reals, yo. (Capriati's old partner, David Charvet, took his place.)
The next event was a water long jump. Couldn't the producers have found an event that played more to Terrell's strengths, like "who can run the best post route" or "crying at press conferences"? Owens actually botched his jump, but still managed to advance thanks to his showing is the sprint. Iglesias was actually impressive thanks to some world class jumper's form (before having the greatest wipeout) and Bode Miller is shaping up to be the most dangerous of the athletes. Of course, he's a skier, so the oxygen depletion may catch up to him at some point. Oh, and Jeff Kent took his shirt off, which was not good for anyone.
Ironically (but not really), the worst jumper of all is the basketball player. The competition isn't really designed for retired 6'10" dudes with bad knees and Robert Horry's age is showing. Plus, he's paired with Estella Warren who is playing way above her fighting weight and is probably the least athletic celebrity in the bunch. They ended up in the obstacle course final against Bode Miller and Paige Hemmis, and predictably, they flamed out.
I just realized that I have no idea what these people are playing for. Charity? A trophy? A lifetime supply of Icy/Hot? It would actually be kind of awesome if there was no reward at the end, but everyone assumed there was because they weren't really paying attention to their agents. The look on Joanna Krupa's face alone, when she finds out she up with Owens for two weeks for nothing more than bragging rights, would make the whole enterprise worthwhile.
The moral of the story is that when you are a valuable commodity, producers will do anything to keep you on TV. But if Dan Cortese doesn't come back our lives will all be a little emptier.