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Jul 7, 2009 11:20 AM
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Jason Whitlock wrote a face-slapper of a column about Serena Williams where he says things like this: "I am not fundamentally opposed to junk in the trunk, although my preference is a stuffed onion over an oozing pumpkin." Jezebels...ATTACK!
The premise of this Whitlockian screed was to, I guess, provide ample evidence about how Serena falls short of being an enduring icon because she consistently underachieves: "With a reduction in glut, a little less butt and a smidgen more guts, Serena Williams would easily be as big as Michael Jackson, dwarf Tiger Woods and take a run at Rosa Parks." There were many ways to construct this column but, Whitlock, God bless his feisty little heart, decided to once again let his id grab the wheel.
Let's parse:
• "She'd rather eat, half-ass her way through non-major tournaments and complain she's not getting the respect her 11-major-championships résumé demands...[S]eriously, how else can Serena fill out her size 16 shorts without grazing at her stall between matches?"
• "And you probably think I don't like Serena. You're wrong. I love her. She's the main reason I watch tennis. She's fascinating. Her power and skill are breathtaking. And when she's in shape, she's every bit as sexy as Beyonce."
• "During this year's Wimbledon, Serena and Safina played Court 2 while hot, lesser stars battled on Centre Court. Safina can blame genetics for her fate. Serena only has herself to blame. God gave Serena everything, including drop-dead looks...She's chosen to smother some of it in an unsightly layer of thick, muscled blubber, a byproduct of her unwillingness to commit to a training regimen and diet that would have her at the top of her game year-round. "
• "Right now I'd put on Serena on par with Paris Hilton. I know that's harsh. Serena's accomplishments are far more substantive than Hilton's. But Paris Hilton doesn't have one discernible skill (that I can publish in this column without earning it an R rating). Hilton's monumental overachievement is her accomplishment of becoming a celebrity."
So he went down that blubbery road and it was quicklinked on Jezebel yesterday so, obviously, theircommenters were not too supportive of his opinion::
•" I know I should come up with something intelligent or thoughtful in response to this piece of shit's article, but I'd rather just punch him in the face. HARD!
Hold me back, y'all, HOLD ME THE FUCK BACK!!!"
•"The only thing he is provoking is me having an aneurysm.
I suspect he has a very tiny penis. "
• "I just read it and I'm almost sick. He should be fired. Nasty fat fuck."
• "OK, so aside from all the other idiocy in the article, I am a bit confused about how either "stuffed onion," or "oozing pumpkin" are apt descriptions of a round butt? Maybe he needs to work on his metaphors before he complains about how other people do their jobs?"
And we're off! Anyway, his point is this: you cannot be the best ever and Rosa Parks with an oozing-pumpkin butt. The end.
Serena could be the best ever, but...[Fox Sports]
Send an email to A.J. Daulerio, the author of this post, at ajd@deadspin.com.
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