This Week In Terrible Music: The Cowboys’ Nu Metal Band, Plus Chickenfoot

You may have heard that Cowboys' o-lineman Marc Colombo, Leonard Davis, and Cory Procter started their own metal band called Free Reign. Is their music as awful as you think it is? SURE IS!

FREE REIGN
You know a band blows when their press photo shows them all wearing matching Affliction t-shirts. Whatever Leonard Davis is doing with this band almost certainly defines the opposite of keeping it real. You can sample some of the band's musical afterbirth right here. But I wouldn't recommend it.

Listening to Free Reign gave me a newfound appreciation for Puddle of Mudd. Colombo sings about as well as he pass blocks. The worst part is that, like any nu metal singer, he sings as if he's saying some REALLY DEEP SHIT. Oooooh, look at me! I'm baring my tortured soul! EXPERIENCE MY WHITE PAIN! Let's sample the lyrics, shall we?

You listen to no one but you, taking you further from the truth!

Oh, that is so directed at Jason Garrett. Any time I hear an amateur band on MySpace (and who among us has not occasionally been forced to click on a CHECK OUT MY BAND! link from some asshole?), I always think back to the Visiting Day episode of The Sopranos, when the engineer goes off on the lead singer of the shitty band Adriana likes:

Where are the fucking choruses? All your songs, you got no choruses. Your choruses are basically just another verse. I mean, what happened to "She Loves You", huh?… Started with the chorus. There is structure. That's how you build a song.

It's amazing how many times you listen to some shitty band's demo and there's nothing there resembling an actual song. You might think a band like Puddle of Mudd sucks, but at least they bother to have things like verses and choruses and bridges in there. They're all shitty, but they're there.

This Week In Terrible Music: The Cowboys’ Nu Metal Band, Plus Chickenfoot

CHICKENFOOT
I'll happily admit that I enjoyed the album "5150" back when I was a kid. "Dreams" is still in my library. I bought every Van Halen album up to "Balance," which is much further than most people were willing to go. My brother even went so far as to buy all of Sammy Hagar's solo albums, even the ones that didn't have "I Can't Drive 55" on them. Ever hear "Three Lock Box"? Don't.

Anyway, time has borne out that the Hagar portion of the Van Halen catalog has aged about as quickly as your average issue of Sports Illustrated. So when I heard that Hagar was forming a "supergroup" with guitarist Joe Satriani, bassist Michael Anthony (the Bob Golic of hard rock), and RHCP drummer Chad Smith, I knew it had fantastic potential for sucking. And holy shit, does Chickenfoot suck.

Everything about this band is fucking terrible. Their name is awful (how is Buckethead not a member?). Their logo is somehow even dumber. As for the music, you can sample it here. Hagar sounds old. He's basically Jimmy Buffett now. I bet Jimmy Johnson loves playing this shit at his swinger boat parties. Lyrics!

OH YEAH!
C'MON BABY TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT!
OH YEAH!
C'MON BABY TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED!

/bobs head, bites bottom lip

This is a terrible waste of Satriani, who long ago competed with Steve Vai for the title of "Best Hair Metal Guitarist To Use His Guitar To Kind Of Sing Lead Vocals." As shitty as Chickenfoot may be, it doesn't diminish the awesomeness of "Always With Me, Always With You" (all guitarists should be forced to wear trench coats), or the majestic slab of cheese that is Summer Song. Damn if Chickenfoot doesn't try, though.

Chickenfoot recently cancelled some shows in Europe due to the fact that Chad Smith has an injury. Really? They had to cancel over that? Chad Smith is that indispensable? Would anyone have noticed if that guy had been missing? He wasn't even the Chilis' original drummer.

SEETHER'S COVER OF CARELESS WHISPER

Yep. Someone did this. Good God. My ears have AIDS now. Congratulations, the Ataris. Your horrible cover of "The Boys Of Summer" is no longer the single worst cover song I've ever heard that makes me want to jump in front of an oncoming train. I bet Marc Colombo thinks this is the awesomest shit ever.