Robert Lunn is a former defensive tackle from UConn. He graduated in 2008 and was playing professional football in Pörtschach, Austria. Sadly, he's back in the U.S. now, so this is his final column.
Lunn is no stranger to blogging, either. Some of his musings can be found on his personal blog "Thoughts From A Fat White Guy," guest appearances on Chris Cooley's blog portion of his personal site, and a blogger for the newly launched NESN.com.
A FITTING SEND-OFF
Ahhh my final column on the glories of Austrian football. Where to start? How about that we lost our last playoff game by literally 6 inches. As much as I have kept my emotional distance from the game here (call it being "professionally aloof") that pissed me off something wicked. Although maybe I should count my blessings seeing as how the next day I had a plane ticket marking the beginning of a 20 day Euro-trip. Coincidentally it also marked my uncanny ability to avoid dodge and deceive Daulerio —so I got that going for me, which is nice.
As always the "The Tales from an American Football Player in Austria" will have little to do with football and more to do with well anything that suits me. So sit back, relax, and enjoy my send off (cue the
COMPLETELY LOST IN TRANSLATION
I should let you know that because of all this wonderful writing I've been doing I've received my fair share of hate-mail. Apparently comparing the Red Sox-Yankees rivalry to WWII is a bit taboo over here.
But the ultimate in "ze ignorant American" came when a German reporter did a write up on me titled "What Has This Man Learned in College? Nothing". (That title, by the way, sounds even better when
shouted in your best German accent:"NAh-SSING!!!")
I asked myself, "Wher does all this anger come from? What exactly did I say? Had I looked over his shoulder at a party and saw him texting some frauline and let the world know?" I had not.
No, I was guilty of a far greater crime—using Google translator. Wit and comedic timing apparently
don't translate—so when a teammate asked me to translate the blog for an Austrian football forum. The aforementioned Red Sox-WWII joke translated to German then translated back to
English reads as "The Jews are in rivalry with the favorites. We must holocaust them." Yeah, that will do it.
EVEN THE AUSTRIANS DON'T RESPECT
My teammate Leighta has been a fixture in these columns. Our starting safety, smoking two packs a day, and dating a samoan girl twice his size. After our last game I got this message from him (read with accent and heavy lisp. Oh, and [Sic'd])
Subj: whuzzz up!!
Hope you enjoy your trip, i`m leaving in two days and mabe i write a
block for the time in africa. Ahhh I mabye call it "The only white guy
in the next 1000 miles" could work thanks for the year man, it was a
lot of funhave a nice trip mfg daniel (the only guy who`s interested
in your block :);
Insert gay joke here, who else is interested in my block?
THE ""ALTERNATE" HISTORY
You know how there's the history you learn in school, with the hardcover books, and the hot teacher (miss you, Mrs. Smith) and that "history" fits pretty well into your notion of the world. Than one night in your early twenties your up after a night of drinking watching the history channel—and all of the sudden our "friendship" with the Indians was less "honorable trading" and more "influenza-laden blankets. "
Yeah, same thing in the Austrian football league. About a month ago I got an email from a former player who detailed the "alternate history" of our organization. A tale of flying in extra players from America
before the first game, giving them Austrian names matching Euro-mullets and skinny jeans. A story of systematic cheating that would make Canseco blush. All this after our president gave a speech
about "the honor and integrity of European football." Mad? No. I won't channel my Bud Selig and express my fake concern or disappointment. No, rather I'm proud of this win at all costs mentality. Well played Austria, well played.
YOU THOUGHTLESS EVIL LITTLE BASTARDS
This is why we can't have nice things.
You animals. I post a picture of my sister, to please the masses, and what do you do? You post the most vile and disgusting things. For shame, for shame. I mean, if the internet has taught us anything, it's that the anonymity of the keyboard spawns only constructive and positive commentary.
Not to mention the e-mail I received from said sibling, complete with quotes from from her friends. Leave it to my sister the lawyer to cite and quote a hate email like the most thorough of research papers;
• "Wow could rob do that?" — Jessica
• "Immature. Just immature" — Amanda
• "File that one under lack of judgment and reason." — Dad
.... But my personal favorite?
• "Don't worry, only like 500,000 people a day visit that site" — Dan
So here's me in a Speedo. The Austrian Grape-smuggler. Now we're even.
Thanks for letting me entertain you for the last few months. With any luck ill be back. (Ed. note: He will.)
Robert Lunn can be reached at thefatwhiteguyATgmail.com. Share your thoughts with him. He's a big boy.