Oh. Hello there. I didn't see you come in. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in trimming this bonsai tree it's like I'm in a whole other world.
You'll forgive me if I don't take my mask off. As you're aware, mine is a world of anonymity and intrigue. To reveal myself would be to reveal yourself and I don't think you're ready for that.
What's that? That didn't make any sense? I'm not wearing a mask? Sorry. I'm kind of new at this ninja stuff and it sounded like something I think I heard in a movie once.
Anyway, what can I do for you? Have you come to learn the way of the sword? To think without thinking? To be without being? To kill without killing? I think I have an extra shinobi shozoku lying around here somewhere. Do you see it? Is it next to those deadly ninja stars? What about under all those old Auto Traders? What are you, like a 40 regular? 42 small, maybe?
Oh. You came to learn about the Deadspin commenting system. No, that's fine. I mean I am trained in a dozen martial arts and can kill a much larger man with almost no effort, but that's fine. We can talk about comments.
What's that? You want me to demonstrate those techniques? Like right now? How about later? I got this thing I have to go in a few minutes and don't want to get all sweaty and you know how it is. Oh, it's some going away dinner for a friend of my girlfriend. I hate those things. It's always at some awful restaurant where you don't know anyone and they all try to ask you about your job and you end up silently slitting some guy's throat in the bathroom stall because he was asking too many questions. It's always the same.
Anyway, about the comments: Some of the other ninjas and I were sitting around, ruminating on the deadly simplicity of the orchid and definitely not pulling bingers and playing an old Nintendo 8 bit when we decided to bring back the Commenter Of The Week feature, but with an added ninja twist.
Only the unstarred are eligible to be awarded COTW. Once awarded COTW, the lucky victim winner can then select a charity to which Deadspin will donate what we're sure is an embarrassingly modest sum in their name. Sure the charity will probably laugh when they get a check for $6.00 but who cares? It's a charity. They are professional beggars.
As an added bonus, if you are selected as COTW enough times you will be awarded a star. And it's ok to be honest. We know that interests you more than helping your fellow man.
But starred commenters should also earn their keep. That's why a couple of times per day, we'll post a random photo of something tenuously related to sports and expect you, Starred Commenters, to show everyone what makes you so damn special. Yes, it's exactly like an Open Caption contest you see at many, many other sites, but you are supposed to be experts at rapid-fire witticisms, so I'm hopeful it'll be electrifying. Be creative. Be funny. Be poignant. Be childish. But if you fail at this task enough times, you will be de-starred. Fair is fair.
So if that's all, I'd like to get back to my tree. I know it looks boring but it's really, really therapeutic. Feels almost as good as banning someone for making a "yes, no, yes" joke.