And Now… Stars Who Could Have Used Helmets As Babies

If you're a parent, you know about the phenomenon known as Flat Head Syndrome, where a baby's head gets too flat in the back and they need to wear a helmet to correct it.

I thought of this because Antoine Walker was arrested yesterday for passing bad checks, and Walker easily has one of the most deformed heads in sports.

It didn't have to be that way for poor ‘Toine. Doctors now say that wearing a helmet for three months can help correct flatness in the back and give your head the round, spherical, Barkleyesque shape preferred by people the world over. Alas, that never happened for Walker. Apparently, he was left on his back far too often as an infant, perhaps on the hood of an Impala. Either that, or someone decided to use the back of his head for blacksmithing. I'm telling you, that's one ugly head. Who else is a victim of this unfortunate syndrome? Who else could have used the Phillip treatment? Here's a partial freak show…

Yao Ming. Spencer Hall notes: "His head is oddly shaped, even for a Chinaman. I know from experience… It's like pancake ass for the head."

Jermaine O'Neal. Oof. Look at that melon. It's like a silo.

Tim Tebow. Yeah, yeah. He's awesome and Dan Shanoff would like to gargle every morning with his toilet water. But look at that head. It's like Brendan Fraser's head got caught in a car crusher.

Bruce Smith. The number one thing doctors look for to determine Flat Head Syndrome is if your child's skull has right angles. That's never good. Look at that ghastly noggin. Like a big black Rubik's Cube.

Oleksiy Pecherov. I dunno who this guy is, but he's clearly a freak. His eyeballs are practically in his ears. Might be a European thing.

Greg Ostertag/Bryant Reeves. Flat Head Syndrome is practically a requirement for big white basketball stiffs. You're not a true $50 million bust unless you have Simon Cowell's haircut and no cranial curvature.

Will Leitch. Look at that. No wonder he stays indoors so much.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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