The Agony Of Upkeep

There are many shitty things about growing old. But here's one of the shittiest: paying lots of money simply to maintain the shit you already have.

Yes, I know we're in a terrible economy and supposedly all Americans have a brand new perspective on thriftiness, and are now ready to settle for a more modest lifestyle. YAY, LOW EXPECTATIONS! Well, I think that is an ENORMOUS load of shit. Nothing has changed for me. If anything, the economy has only made my desperation to be filthy fucking rich even worse, because I know it's now that much harder to pull off.

Yet, there still seems to be any number of assholes surrounding me with disgusting amounts of disposable income, driving fancy cars, eating at nice restaurants, able to afford hookers with teeth, etc. I want that. I would like enough money to live in a giant fucking house with eight Jacuzzis and a stainless steel grill that can cook a whole marlin in five minutes flat. If that's unreasonable given the current times, I don't particularly give a shit.

It's not like a bad economic climate magically destroys our collective ambition. That's crap. I'm just as greedy as I was a year ago. I want the swank life. And I have found that adulthood is nothing more than a series of incredible setbacks in achieving that goal.

Let me just give you an example. Let's say you work for a few years and manage to build up $5,000 in your bank account. That's a pretty solid amount. It won't buy you a private jet, but whatever. You have that money there to use, in theory, as you please. This is why people save money. Obviously, you want to have money around in case you desperately need it. But really, the whole point of saving cash is so that you can go out and buy new, cool shit. Maybe you want to use that money to help buy a new car. Maybe you want to plan a big vacation. The point is, you saved that money because you want to do something enjoyable with it. This is the point of being an American.

Now, let me explain how that money will suddenly all disappear without you getting a single fucking thing out of it. Let's say your car suddenly dies on you. Oh, shit! You need a timing belt! And your tires need replacing! Suddenly, that's $2,000 out the door. Gone. You're going to have to spend it, and in the end, the only thing you get in return is a functional car, which is what you had to begin with.

The next day, you notice there's a leak in your basement. What the fuck? Where did all this water and shit come from? BOOM! New fucking water heater. $500 to replace and install.

Well shit, now you only have $2,500. That blows. Hey, why does your tooth suddenly hurt? Well, it turns out your tooth needs to be replaced. BOOM! $2,500 for a dental implant.

Congratulations, you are now out of fucking money. You spent $5,000 and you have jack shit to show for it. That's fucking adulthood, and it is bullshit. Life is littered with expenses like these, and they never fail in making you want to fucking die. I'm not talking about paying bills. Paying bills may suck, but at least you get something for your money. You pay your cable bill, you get to watch TV. You pay your internet bill, you get to watch porn. You pay your power bill, you get to stick your nuts in front of the aircon vent and feel incredible while doing so. Those are all worthwhile things to spend your money on. Even taxes are worthwhile. You get roads, and police (if you're white), and other useful government services.

No, I'm talking about shit that does not end up tangibly enriching your life in any way, shape or form. Expenses like these:

Health Care: Paying for medical shit is the absolute worst because not only is it astonishingly expensive, but you're also paying for the privilege of having a doctor blow you off for 40 minutes, cut you open, and then force you to buy expensive medication that will make you feel dizzy and sick. All so you can live. BULLSHIT. This is why people get so worked up over health care. Because they would rather spend their money on anything else. You get nothing from it, not even a bionic arm. And there's no guarantee that anything your doctor does will actually end up working. It's the shittiest way to spend money ever conceived.

I want this shit to be free. I don't say that as some gash liberal who thinks it's fair for our kids or something. I could give two shits about the health care of OTHER people. I'm saying I would rather spend my money on frivolous, superficial crap. I've heard some people bitch about free health care by saying "Well, you'd have to go through a bureaucrat." Fine! I don't give a shit! As long as it's free. Put TWO goddamn bureaucrats in my way! I'll wade through cat piss to get the doctor if it's fucking free.

Women's Hair Care: Your lady goes and drop $100 at the salon so that the hairdresser can cut one inch off her hair and dip three strands of it in blond dye. When she returns, she looks EXACTLY THE FUCKING SAME. I'm telling you, ladies. We never notice when you get your hair done. Ever. The only person who ever notices is you.

Car Shit: Again, awful. If you have a piece of shit car like I do, it means you're constantly trying to keep the thing going specifically so that you don't have to buy another car, even though buying another car may actually make more economic sense. But what if that car is ALSO a piece of shit? Then you get double reamed.

House Shit: Something needs painting. Or replacing. Or repaired. When you have a house, shit will just break out of the goddamn blue. "Oh hey, look at that. The wall came down. That can't be good." When you're done paying to fix it, it's still the same fucking house. They didn't add a trampoline room or anything. Annoying.

I'm sure our commenters can think of even more. And all this is if you're even lucky to HAVE those things. Any number of people now are simply scrambling to get back what they've LOST, which is even worse. Because now, you're just trying to return to the modest life you weren't even satisfied with. Now you really aren't going to get to buy a jet ski. And that is crap.

Expenses are bullshit.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

publish on Facebook

Upload an image | Add an image URL ×

Image URL: ×

Youtube URL: ×

Choose a file to upload:

×

Dsmvwl  Admin  Promote to frontpage Approve user Ban user ×

Loading comments ...

Earlier discussions | Other discussions | Show all discussions | Show featured discussions only | Expand all replies Hide all replies
Start a new discussion