Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Yankees beat Boston for the first time since Mike Mussina was on the mound and George W. Bush was in the White House. Thanks, Obama, it's the Go-Go '90s all over again!

•Like most decisions in the past 11 years, ESPN's attempt to control Twitter can be traced back to having an ad sales guy, not an editorial guy, in charge. I'm sure after reading this George Bodenheimer will cry himself to sleep atop a giant pile of money.

•One eyed man with two recent shoulder surgeries tries (and fails) to win a million bucks by throwing three strikes before last night's Royals game. On the bright side, he's now their fifth starter.

•Why is everyone reporting that Donte Stallworth will accept the NFL's punishment? Does he have a choice? Is he going to run on to the field to try and play even if he's suspended?

•Julio Castillo, who injured a spectator in a minor league game, is sentenced to 30 days in jail. So if we're going by forced days off, assaulting a fan is half as bad as taking certain supplements from GNC.

•Jeremy Roenick was the face of American hockey for the last 20 years, and a media favorite. To celebrate his retirement, here's his top ten quotes. Only seven of them are J.R. calling out a player/coach/fanbase.

•If Shaq loses a doubles volleyball match to Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor, he'll walk two miles in a pink speedo — "three sizes too small." I've started a fund to pay off Walsh and May-Treanor to take a dive.

Happy Friday. Don't drink and drive until at least 2 a.m.

Send an email to Barry Petchesky, the author of this post, at barryp@deadspin.com.