We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another. (NSFW)
It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...
I'm Still Unconvinced It's Not Him
PHOTO: This fine establishment
Excoriating Bill Simmons For His Lack Of Commitment
see espn.com front page today... the most important column of the last
5 years; he could've written something spectacular about David Ortiz's
steroid revelations - but no, he struck out ... hell, he didn't strike
out, he put the bat down and did the chicken dance and sodomized
himself at home plate on a 0-0 pitch and the umpire was forced to
eject him on grounds of utter embarrassment.
he made it a fucking *podcast*. *spit!* *fuck!* you goddamn asshole, Bill!
really, he could've made it a column, but he made it a podcast. allow
me to compare the two forms of expression by analogy. a column is the
Sistine Chapel. A podcast is someone shitting himself with diarrhea
in a fit of epilepsy, and calling it art. And he stooped to it - in
the most anticipated column everyone was expecting him to post, he
denatured himself into going with that lowest form of human
expression; the fucking podcast - proudly making twitter resemble
Dostoyevsky since 2006.
Lazy, lazy, lazy sack of shit. What a waste ... he always gives the
shout-outs to those who print out his long columns and read them on
the john ... how can I possibly read his f'n "podcast" bullshit. No
transcription available, just audio because he is too lazy to put his
words into writing, too lazy to put in the effort, but damn glad that
his fuck-assed "podcast" made the front fucking page ... the BS
report, proudly hosing those that want a column full of real words and
actual English, since 2005.
Fuck your self-serving elitist bullshit. Fuck your demented laziness.
Fuck your weaseling through your contractual obligations with ESPN by
putting in the minimum effort, and occasionally submitting these
sub-worthless defecations known as "podcasts" when your audience
expects actual content. Fuck Jack O, fuck your dialogue, fuck you
being a sorry assclown who can't be bothered to sit down and type up a
real column. Fuck your audio, and fuck the valueless godfucked
goddamn fuck out of your PODCASTS! (spit! cough! fuck you!)...
until it becomes available in honestly written form, I declare it
entirely valueless, just a pathetic substitute for his columns, every
time he is too sorry and stupid and lazy and fucked to take the time
and effort to make something of value, he falls back on his fucking
podcast, mails in the whole performance, and calls it a job well
done... well a big fucking fucked "fuck you" to you too, you goddamn
pile of worthless clowns.
he could've made the grand slam by writing as little 500 or 1000 words
about his perspective, given that he was the #1 Red Sox fan in the
time that they won that World Series in '04 and put him on top of the
world - either way he could've gone with it, whether to endorse and
forgive, or to condemn and denounce, the use of steroids by his team
... either way, all he had to do was do some writing - and he failed
to do that. Not only did he fail, he refused - he passed on the task,
thinking that with his magical mystery oh-so-amazing podcast it
absolves him to be devoid of any and all responsibility towards the
readers, towards the ideal of writing anything of substance.
again, he made a fucking goddamn motherfucked podcast. I'd rather he
come to my house and personally shit on my head and stab me; that way
at least I'd know he understands how much he is hurting his loyal
audience and knows how much it is a conscious choice... this way, by
eschewing accountability and yawning towards the soma and the
dereliction and the death that is the podcast, the opiate of negated
responsibility ... by noting that he can make off like a bandit by not
putting in effort, not writing columns, not doing anything to fulfill
any expectations that his readers may have ... he makes himself dead
and uncomprehending, a waste of flesh and all physical reality - his
opinion reflected solely through his idiotic, banal, demented,
lowest-common-denominator "podcast" mentality ... he is left
unconsiderable and deceased and worthless, all because he couldn't be
bothered to sit in front of a computer and type up 1000 words on the
topic, and instead he jacks off with Jack O, sits back, relaxes, takes
the total easy way out... indeed, he keeps defecating harshly on his
loyal readers, and he makes his the most important statement of the
last 5 years by skirting every value at hand and reducing himself to a
"podcast" instead of a column ... noting that that is all we are
worth; recipients of an idiotic stream of babble - not a real column,
not what we have grown to expect, just nothing, just shit, and we'd
better learn to smile when we are forced to swallow it down.
fuck your podcasts, Bill ... fuck you for defecating and selling out
on the literary tradition that, at the absolute very minimum,
specifies a dialogue with your readers.
A Thoughtful Observation About Antoine Walker's Financial Troubles
live in the building across the street from Antoine Walker's downtown Chicago house. I have decided that there is no way that he is completely out of money, considering I see hookers leaving his place 3 at a time at 8am on weekdays.
We Miss Greg Wyshynskii, Too
Subject: HOCKEY EXISTS: You guys are doing a bad job at promoting the world's greatest sport: hockey. No news about Alex Burrows accusations? WTF. If he was a baseball minor leaguer you'd be on 24/7 watch. STEP THE FUCK UP.
-An angry canadian
Subject: JEREMY ROENICK RETIRES: Today, one of the cockiest human being that ever lived, Jeremy Roenick retired from hockey without winning a cup. Where's the deadspin article, Patrick Roy stanley cup rings joke and A GODAMN ARTICLE ABOUT HOCKEY!!!!!
P.S. He's from the USA if that helps him making the main page.
There Are Worse Ideas (blows out)
I hope this is the right place to send this...
I'm fairly good friends with "Studs." I've been privileged enough to read his work at a couple websites (footballguys.net and establishedboard.com),
Here are some of his NFL picks from a couple years ago:
He's been at it for a couple years now, and it's literally one of the funniest things I've ever seen/read/heard anywhere. The problem is that whomever's been submitting his stories to you guys has been editing them slightly, which has disgruntled Studs a little.
I don't know if S&D would be willing to do a weekly thing for you guys, but he's obviously great. His email address is email@example.com if you'd like to get in touch with the man himself.
So this past weekend, I went to the Yankees/White Sox game at U.S. Cellular (horrible ballpark). My buddy "MM" had a keen eye as we were filling into the stadium. He took this photo of a Sox fan shortly before we took our seats. Yes, the shirt reads "Happy Birthday 2 My Little N*ggers" and has photos of the two kids blown up on it. To think there would be such race retrogression in the land of Ozzie and Obama!