Adrian Beltre Goes On The DL With An OH GOD WHY OW OW OWS

Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Worst headline ever: "Beltre Could Be Out For Season With Testicle Injury." Fuck Tom Hanks; sometimes, there is crying in baseball.

•Students at Northwestern have created a computer program that can write a game story from just a box score. Yes, but can it accurately cover Adrian Beltre getting nailed in the knick-knacks?

•If Tiger's hoping to avoid a major-less 2009, this is a good start; he's up by one after the first round. And if he's perfectly content with his life without winning a major this year, well, that's understandable too.

Time's running out for the Nationals to sign Stephen Strasburg. But if he's not signed by Monday, it's no biggie. The Nats should have first picks for the next few years.

Quentin Richardson is on the move for the fourth time since draft day, to the Heat for Mark Blount. Miami's front office said they look forward to many productive offseason days from Q, before they trade him again.

Lady boxing is now an official Olympic sport, with Rugby and Golf soon to follow. Baseball, meanwhile, is S.O.L. This means we won't have the chance to be embarrassed by Japan until the 2013 WBC.