Some people are fans of the Washington Redskins and Chris Cooley's wife. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Washington Redskins. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. Because I have to live in this fucking town. I've lived in the greater DC area for nearly five years now. I live here due a mutual decision with my spouse that really wasn't all that mutual. Regardless, believe me when I tell you that Washington fucking BLOWS. Three quarters of the District of Columbia is a Third World shithole. There are sections of Southeast where you will drive and notice that the streets like things like stoplights, and WALK signals, and other basic necessities of urban infrastructure are glaringly absent, as if city planners just said, "Fuck it. We don't need stop signs for THOSE people." The one decent part of the city, Northwest, is populated exclusively with douchebag lawyers, or douchebags who work on Capitol Hill. All of them wear Madras shorts with blazers in the summer, and all of them deserve to taste your fucking fury. Read this article, and I swear you'll never want to come within three hundred miles of this area.
The one fashionable area of town, Adams Morgan, is like New York's East Village if it were two blocks long, populated with high schoolers, and designed by the Disney Corporation. There is NOWHERE to fucking park in this town, anywhere. If you want to go to a restaurant in DC, you better be prepared to look for a spot for 45 fucking minutes. Thirty minutes into looking for a spot, you will tell your wife, "Fuck this, let's order pizza." Then she'll get mad at you for getting mad about trying to find a spot. Then you'll say to her, "Well, YOU FUCKING LOOK FOR THE SPOT THEN, TOOTS." Then she'll switch seats with you and luck into a spot five minutes later, all part of God's plan to make you look like a prick.
DC is also home to The Beltway, Tyson's Corner, and Rockville Pike. That's three of the most agonizing places to drive in the United States, all clustered in one big shit brownie. That doesn't even include driving in downtown DC, where every major thoroughfare is blocked by a rotary, road work, or small square park every 1,000 yards. The bagels in this town are dogshit.
And it's fucking humid here. They built this goddamn town on a swamp, which is exactly what springs up in your ass for five months out of the year. September here is August. Bugs are everywhere. Real estate prices are out of hand. Joe Theismann pops up on radio ads here from time to time. This town is ASS. It's lameness made tangible.
However, the Vietnamese food in Falls Church is quite good. So there's that.
2. Because I have to live around these fucking fans. Redskins fans are nothing if not passionate. But that passion comes with a side helping of obnoxiousness so brutal that you'll wish you had giant hands the size of Dave Grohl's in the "Everlong" video, so that you can choke them all. Peep the DTC if you don't believe me. As I've said before, the Redskins fanbase consists of a million little Dan Snyders, all of whom think the team is constantly on the cusp of returning to gloree (We signed Heensworth, Cooch!), treating every win like some kind of historic fucking milestone, and treating every loss as an opportunity to call into talk radio stations to give the team a pep talk it will never fucking hear. Gloria fucking Swanson doesn't live in the past as much as these people do.
3. Because I went to that fucking stadium once. Hey, you! Like white trash who are piss drunk and can't handle their mud? Like having seats in the stadium crawlspace? Like having your view obstructed by gigantic overhangs? Like walking thirty miles to get to your car? I've got the stadium for you. Given the prices they charge, every seat FedEx Field should have a giant plastic dildo sticking out of it.
4. Because I fucking hate Dock Walker.
5. Because if it weren't for Sunday Ticket, I'd have to watch them. And this season, that would be tantamount to slow death. The Skins could be a 10-win team this year, but that doesn't mean they're going to be any fun to watch. Get ready for a whole lot of 9-6 ballgames, DC. Because you deserve a team as thoroughly dull and uninteresting as your shit town. Die.