Welcome To The Suck

So we have Viking fans storming Winter Park. We have ESPN following Brett Favre's black SUV via helicopter.

We have Peter King actually getting testy with Favre but still steadfastly refusing to believe he lied to him. We have all that, and we've only just gotten started.

Jesus.

The signing of Brett Favre marks an end to the incessant media speculation over his plans to join the Vikings, and it marks the beginning of the incessant media coverage of his actual time playing with the Vikings. By the end of this year, you will be sick to death of the Vikings (the Eagles too, but mostly the Vikings). You'll hate their guts with a fervor that may not have known you possess. And I may join you in hating them so fervently. Which is odd, given that they're my favorite team.

I've done the angry rant thing about this signing already. But, on a more rational level, I'm not sure there has ever been a situation more confusing for one set of sports fans in history. (OW-UH IDENTITY CRISIS IS GREATAH THAN YOUR-AHS!) This whole Favre thing is easy for Packer fans. YOU STABBED US IN THE BACK, YOU FUCK! That's a pretty simple emotion to get a handle on. In a way, I envy them for their situation.

I, on the other hand, have no fucking clue how I'm supposed to feel when I turn on the TV this fall and see Brett Favre throw a touchdown pass for the Vikings, and then do that fucking thing he does where he runs around in a circle and the analysts laugh joyously at his playful antics. Oh, I know how I'll react when he throws one of his inevitable 28 picks. Vitriol is easy like that.

But support? Adoration? I have a hard time reconciling the fact that my happiness with the Vikings will now be directly tied to Brett Favre's success as a quarterback. I have grown, over the years, to dislike Favre on a level that far exceeds my hatred for other star athletes. Don't get me wrong. I hate plenty of other athletes. Like Bryan Cox. Man, did I fucking hate Bryan Cox. What a loser. But I don't hate any of those guys like I hate Favre. I've spent most of the past hour praying that Favre blows out his knee Friday night and that Sage Rosenfels somehow morphs into an All-Pro. That's the BEST CASE SCENARIO of how this season will play out for me. A commenter at KSK named spilly put it best:

spilly Says:
August 18th, 2009 at 12:14 pm edit

And if the Vikings win the Super Bowl? Do you want the lasting image of your franchise to be Brett Favre holding up a trophy? Did you just spontaneously vomit upon hearing that? Your year is assfucked either way, BDD.

And he's right. Obviously, I'd be elated to see my favorite team win it all (not that they will with Favre at the helm). I've waited my whole life for that. But for them to win it thanks to THAT ASSHOLE? I'm sorry, but that's just fucking weird. Nothing anyone says will change that fact. If there are Viking fans who can put aside history and welcome Favre with open arms, more power to them. I don't know how they can do it, because I can't. It would be like hugging your rapist, and I'm no Jezebel writer.

I said it before: this signing represents just how singularly idiotic and irrational a pursuit it is to be a sports fan. If I don't like Brett Favre, and I don't, why root for him now? He's still the same asshole, he just happened to want to play for my team. It doesn't change the fact that I think he's an attention-whoring cumguzzler. And what does it mean to cheer for your favorite team and egg on rivalries when you know that, a year or two down the line, they may all switch places? We're not talking about Johnny Damon going to the Yankees here. We're talking about Brett Favre, the very soul of a rival team. It would be like Coach K deciding to become the head coach at UNC. Fucking bizarre.

Then there's the matter of the endless Favre coverage. If you're like me, you're always pissed that some other team is getting undue media attention over your team, with the Cowboys heading to the top of the list. Well, that's MY team now. And that makes my dick itch.

There's also the fact that the Vikings are still coached by a moron in Brad Childress, and that this season will almost certainly not end in ultimate success. What we have here, then, is a year in cheering purgatory. I'm gonna root for this team, but I'm not gonna be all that jazzed about it. I mean, look at that still from the Vikings' website (via KOGOD). Fucking look at it. It makes me wants to heave out my insides. So thanks for the identity crisis, Brett Favre. Thanks for making me question the unconditional love I've always had for my team, a love that's been a bedrock of my existence for the better part of three decades. I've enjoyed that.

You cocktaster.