Why Your Team Sucks: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Some people are fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. There's no way that Malcolm Glazer fellow doesn't molest very small boys and toy dachsunds. There was an old HBO TV movie back in 1995 called Indictment: The McMartin Trial, starring James Woods as a lawyer defending a dude (played by Elliot himself, Henry Thomas) accused of child molestation. As TV movies go, it's solid. It's got James Woods getting really fucking pissed and yelling at people, and it has a great scene where Woods confronts a child psychologist who literally made kids do the "show me on the doll where he touched you" thing, which is always a delight.

Anyway, there's one scene where Woods first meets Thomas in his jail cell, sees his glasses, and sighs, "Are you kidding me with those glasses? You LOOK like a child molester." And it's true. Why child molester glasses continue to persist, well after being stigmatized as such, baffles me to no end. Glasses have evolved, middle aged men of the world. You don't need to look like you spend your weekends fingerblasting kindergarteners anymore, even if that's your thing. Look at Bucs owner Malcolm Glazer in that photo. He has at least four telltale signs of child molestiness. He's got the glasses, the wispy hair, the bad teeth, the creepy beard. My molester profiling skills are strong, and given that Glazer looks exactly like Stanley Tucci in the Lovely Bones trailer, it's an open and shut case. No wonder the guy owns part of Manchester United.

2. Say hello the NFL's blandest team. Now that Chuckie has been fired and Derrick Brooks has been released, all remnants (save for the corpse of Ronde Barber) of the 2002 Super Bowl champs have been swept out of Tampa and replaced with the likes of Byron Leftwich and Derrick Ward, who most assuredly will not be the same kind of runner without the Giants' offensive line in front of him. Also gone from the team is deep threat Joey Galloway, leaving the mercurial Antonio Bryant as the team's top receiver. Sportswriters always use the word "mercurial" as code language for saying "flaming red asshole". Regardless, the Bucs are in a rebuilding year and show no signs of having anything remotely resembling a distinct personality. Except for Stylez G, White. He's the best part of this inevitable 6-10 year.

3. Monte Kiffin isn't around to stage phony fistfights anymore. Defensive guru Kiffin, who served the team so ably during the Dungy and Gruden eras, has left team to join his nutbar son at UT. Monte's first order of business there? Holding pretend fistfights between coaches. Given that his son used to coach the Raiders, you can understand how this might go awry at some point in the year. Even so, Kiffin was quite the defensive mind, and it's no lock that new head coach Radio Raheem will be his equal in terms of game planning. And that's the triple truth, Ruth.

4. Suddenly, the NFC South is lousy with dipshit tight ends. It's curious that the Bucs would enter an obvious rebuilding phase by throwing $20 million in guaranteed money at Kellen Winslow and his freshly swabbed urethra. I look forward to him giving the rest of the team a horrible staph infection sometime this year. Who's up for some sliced testicles, gang?!

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