Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•That's UMass mascot Sam the Minuteman crashing the wedding of one devoted Red Sox blogger. His blushing bride appears thrilled! Well, maybe not thrilled. Pleasantly surprised? How about just...understanding? Okay, she's mortified. But too late to back out now, since he got the whole thing on film!
•A high school baseball coach is under fire for allegedly hiring strippers to "entertain" his players in a hotel room. Silly coach, everyone knows baseball players shouldn't hang around with strippers until they hit the pros, and then marry them.
•Well, holy crap. Newly-promoted Burnley win their first Premiership match in 23 years. And they did it against Manchester United. Look, it's the middle of August. There's no news but baseball news. So you'll get your soccer update and like it.
•Anytime you can sign a guy who's hated by opponents, but cut because he was hated by his teammates even more, you have to make that move. Vincente Padilla steps into the black hole that is the Dodgers #5 starter spot. At least he's guaranteed to be less of a headache than Hiroki Kuroda's.
•Patrick Kane is indicted on assault and theft charges, but it's unlikely he'll do time. He's a first-time offender, they're just misdemeanors, and most importantly, he's a professional athlete.
•Will Bryce Harper be the last baseball player to earn far more than any 18-year-old ever should before ever taking the
mound field in an MLB game? That could be the case, if the next CBA includes mandatory slot signing bonus amounts.
•The Vikings have sold 3,000 season tickets and 10,000 single-game tickets since they signed Brett Favre. A word of advice from a New Yorker: make sure you get your tickets for the first 11 games of the season, because those last five tend not to go so well.