Why Your Team Sucks: Seattle Seahawks

Some people, Like Ufford, are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group…

Like reader Kevin K. He writes in:

Where to begin?

Seahawks fans have a sense of nostalgia bordering on senility. To hear them tell it, the days of Jim Zorn, Dave Kreig, Steve Largent, Kenny Easely, and the other Curt Warner were the halcyon days of football in the Northwest. Bullshit. From 1976-1991 (the end of the Krieg/Chuck Knox era), the Sea Hags were 119-125, with four postseasons appearances (3-4), inlcuding two one-and-dones in 1987 and 1988. The closest they ever sniffed a Super Bowl during that time was a 30-14 loss to the Oakland Raiders in the '83 Conference Championship game. In short, their salad days weren't even as good as the Bills or the Eagles. That is what I was forced to watch growing up. Fuck. Me.

Let me put it another way: If your NFL Classic Game is a 17-16 win over Kansas City, known more for Derrick Thomas' 7-sack game than for Krieg's last-second touchdown, your team sucks. If your Wikipedia page counts Franco Harris and Warren Moon among your Hall of Famers for one season each they played at the ass-end of their careers, your team sucks. And they sucked even worse from 1992 until 1999, when Mike Holmgren showed up — not even a winning season, much less a playoff loss.

Then think about the seminal (figuratively and literally) moments in Seahawks history since then:

1999 Wild Card Playoff (Packers 33, 'Hawks 27): Known for Matt Hasselbeck's "We want the ball, and we're going to score!" quote from the coin toss at overtime, following which Hasselbeck scored ... by throwing a TAINT to Al Harris. Douche. (The only thing worse that's ever happened at Lambeau Field was the Joe Buck faux-offense at Randy Moss' faux-moon to Favre's fat faithful. Fucktard.)

Super Bowl XL (Steelers 21, 'Hawks 10): Yes, there were some unlucky/questionable calls in that game. But maybe if Jerramy Stevens could catch balls with his hands instead of his mouth, Hasselbeck could throw touchdowns instead of interceptions, and someone on their defense could tackle Willie Parker, then maybe they could have won that game. The whining would be tolerable if the score had been less than seven points. It wasn't. Get over it.

2006 Wild Card Playoff ('Hawks 21, Cowboys 20): When your most memorable playoff win since your last Super Bowl appearance is known more for Tomy Romo's sloppy hands than it is for how well your team played, your team really sucks.

And now, the 'Hawks have replaced Mike Holmgren (who morphed into Bib the Michelin Man during the same time period I did) with Jim Mora Jr., a guy who, while coaching the Atlanta Falcons into mediocrity, openly lobbied for the Washington Huskies' coaching job while Ty Willingham was struggling through a rough season. Now maybe Mora, like Notre Dame, just doesn't like black people, but it's more likely he's just an asshole. It's also just as obvious that he is a terrible coach. So good luck with that.

Finally: Seattle has a superiority complex. Because it's the birthplace of over-priced coffee and mediocre operating systems, filled with healthy, bike-riding, outdoorsy types, they act like people whose shit doesn't stink. I love visiting the city, if only to see cheap baseball and watch their football team lose, but not for the people. (Note to those considering going to Vancouver for the 2010 Olympics: The people there are even worse. So is the beer. You have been warned.)

Is that enough for you?

Sure is, Kevin. Pretty solid rage from a dude living in Canada. Oh, and Julius Jones is horrible.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.