Why Your Team Sucks: Philadelphia Eagles

Some people, like asshole Daulerio, are fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Always beware the offseason winners. So the Eagles drafted LeSean McCoy (who looked most excellent catching the ball out of the backfield Thursday night) and Jeremy Maclin (who has had fumbling problems during the preseason), and traded for Jason Peters to give Donovan McNabb more protection. Plus, they have Michael Vick in to to run the Wildcat. On paper, that all adds up to one kickass offense. Few teams, with the exception of Chicago's trade for Jay Cutler, made the kind of big offseason moves that the Eagles did. Indeed, plenty of people think this is the year Philly finally puts it all together and wins the Super Bowl. Andy Behrens picked them to win it all. Vegas has them at 11-1 odds to pull it off. They're a chic pick.

Chic picks always end up fucking up. Take it from a fan of another team that made a big offseason move that will almost certainly end up becoming a flaming helicopter wreck. A chic preseason Super Bowl will fuck you in the ass. It's like those fashionable, not-quite-as-traditional college teams that are ranked in the Top 5 of the AP poll, like Georgia was last year. Teams that are "loaded" coming into the season always end up fucking it all up. And why should the Eagles be immune to any of this inevitable failed hype? After all…

2. Hey, Andy Reid's still coaching this team, right? Remember, this is a guy who failed to inform his star quarterback last year that games can end in ties. Not only is Andy Reid a poor game manager, he's an AGGRESSIVELY POOR game manager. Not only will he end up fucking up the game, but he'll fuck it up by using the most illogical strategy he can possibly devise. More importantly, he will take hours upon hours to implement that strategy. For the Eagles, huddling during the last two minutes of a game isn't an option, it's fucking mandatory. It's just the kind of team-building exercise that can really help Reid's men cope with the agony of losing yet another 4-point game that ended with Brian Westbrook getting stuffed on a power rushing play that he wasn't well-suited for.

So Philly can bring in all the fancy new skill position players they like. They won't be poised to do the team much good when there's 90 seconds left and the team is STILL FUCKING HUDDLING when everyone at the bar is shouting at the TV, "WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY STILL HUDDLING? ARE THEY FUCKING RETARDED?!" That's the true legacy of Andy Reid. It takes a special kind of coach to make every random asshole in the bar feel like they could do a better job AND be correct in just such an assumption. Worst of all, Jim Johnson is gone, and not around to be the all-purpose coverall for Reid's numerous, glaring fuckups. Speaking of Reid snafus…

3. Their active roster might be fucked up. Peter King made a good point today. Stunning, but true. If the Eagles want to use Michael Vick in the WildDog formation this fall, they have to either make him the true backup QB, or they have to have four quarterbacks on their active game day roster. All game day rosters are allowed one extra slot for an emergency third-string QB. Once the third stringer comes in, the two QB's ahead of him can't retake the field. So if the Eagles want to play Vick but want to keep Kevin Kolb as the backup (not that it would be a tragedy if Kolb were demoted), then they'd have to carry four QB's on the roster and drop a possibly important special teamer or kicking specialist. It's one of those little details that always ends up fucking a team. And with Reid in charge, those little details are often glanced over, not unlike a smack rig stashed in the upstairs toilet tank.

UPDATE: Reader John points out, "Mike Florio made this point a week ago. Peter King is still a hack." Cool!

4. Seriously, fuck that Daulerio guy. As you know, AJ ruined Deadspin. But there are so many other reasons to not like the man. He's terrible with people, for instance. He has bad teeth. His chin is all but nonexistent. He's always snickering. He's a filthy dago with dirty wop skin! He looks like a weasel! His parents are kinda racist! And he smells like burlap. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

And really, let's just use this as a catchall to say FUCK YOU to all the Eagles fans out there right now. Oooh, you boo! You're so hardcore! I'm so afraid of your exacting standards! You should listen to those assholes on Philly talk radio sometime. Bitch bitch bitch. You people are like fucking Boston fans, only you don't know it yet. You suck, and you Pennsylvania people can't drive for shit. Do you people even use the steering wheel? FUCK YOU IN THE CHEESESTEAK.

5. AND WHERE THE FUCK WAS MAMULA ON THAT PLAY?!
Excellent DS commenter Bobby Big Wheel also had this to point out about the Eagles.
1. They're probably all going to be injured this year
2. Their fans love to brag about how fucking devoted they are
3. The loss of Brian Dawkins left a cheap shotting hole at safety.
4. They never have a fantasy receiver worth drafting. Even when Kevin Curtis had that 3-TD, 200 yard game he sucked the rest of the year
5. The city's greatest contribution to music in the past decade is now the house band for Jimmy Fallon

So suck on that.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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