Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.
•The woman claiming she was assaulted by Ben Roethlisberger drafted an e-mail from Harrah's announcing her resignation: "She is with Big Bens child and ... she has relocated to Pittsburgh. We wish her good luck [she will need it] in her future endeavors." Ben better hope crazy isn't a sexually transmitted disease.
•Allen Iverson Twittered that Memphis has made him an offer, and the Grizzlies confirmed it. We're one step closer to my dream of an AI/Marko Jaric reality show.
•According to McAfee, the Internet searches most likely to give your computer a virus are Jessica Biel, Beyoncé, Jennifer Aniston and...Tom Brady! Obviously the safest athlete to search for is A.C. Green.
•After a federal ruling, the list of MLB players who tested positive for PEDs could be destroyed. So you can stop sending in those fake lists that have been circulating. Seriously, Ruben Sierra? Yeah, that's believable.
•Rumors fly that Michael Vick is purchasing a $1.3 million home in Philadelphia. We remind you that his contract is only for $1.6 million. Math fail could explain why he's facing a bankruptcy hearing.
•We heard about those Vikings who preferred Tarvaris Jackson at quarterback. Now comes the emergence of a third faction. First sacrificing goats, now men openly pushing for Sage Rosenfels at QB? It's official, these are signs of the apocalypse.
•Hours after talking about feeling "hatred" from Cubs fans, Milton Bradley drives in three and hears nothing but cheers. Hey, there's a novel solution: stop sucking.
•And, courtesy of Second-String Fullback, comes Alex Smith KTFOing Greg Ellis. Way to risk your body to be a benchwarmer, Alex.