Why Your Team Sucks: Green Bay PackersS

Some people are fans of the Green Bay Packers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Green Bay Packers. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. Oh, well aren't you just the perfect little franchise? I can' t tell you how many times I've been told by people that the Green Bay Packers are all that's right with the NFL. They're publicly owned. They're nestled in an all-American small town. They ride children's bikes during training camp. They play outside in the cold. They love their fans and their fans love them back. They're the ideal of what an NFL franchise should be, a perfect communion between a team and a town. Indeed, they're the NFL team you SHOULD be rooting for.

Well, FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING ICEHOLE, GREEN BAY.

Oh, you think you're so flawless with your little shareholder stakes and your Vince Lombardis and your Lambeau Leaps and your Super Bowl titles. Well, I say you people are nothing but a bunch of arrogant, slovenly cakestuffers who use your franchise's supposedly nice qualities to be insufferable pricks. "Oh, we're from Wiscaaansin! We're small town, uncomplicated folk! WE'RE SO PURE!" Die. Die in a fucking blizzard. I've seen you Packer-rooting slobs in bars all across this country. YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME. You're no better than the asshole Jets fans, or the asshole Eagles fans. You're just as loud and obnoxious, but you think you can get away with it because your franchise has such a sterling reputation. I call bullshit. I saw a thirty-year-old in a bar once brag about Bart Starr. Like he ever saw Bart fucking Starr play.

Now, I root for one of the Packers' main rivals. And the Vikings franchise is as diametrically opposed to the Packers as it gets. The Vikings play in an impersonable shithole. They're owned by a New Jersey mall magnate who will almost certainly move them. They pump in phony crowd noise during games. They haven't won dick. They fuck on boats. They are NOT the Packers. And you know what? I'm glad. I'm glad the team I root for has yet to give me some bullshit excuse for me to act like a pretentious fuckmouth whose team represents some sort of lily-white American pastoral that doesn't actually fucking exist. The Green Bay Packers are the team Sean Hannity fingerbangs his own ass to at night. FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOUR CHEESE.

2. And fuck your stupid tundra. Again, we find ourselves stuck with a horrible, Berman-perpetrated football meme that has spread across NFL broadcasting circles faster than Cowherd's rectal warts. It's not tundra. It's not taiga. It's barely even fucking grass. Lambeau's turf is made from DD Grassmaster, which combines natural grass with artificial grass fibers you find in Field Turf. OH NO! IMPURE! IMPURE! AVERT YOUR EYES! I'm sick of every goddamn broadcaster treating Lambeau like it's goddamn Uluru. "It just pops out of the land as you drive in! It's so majestic! This place IS football." Whatever. Fuck that joint.

3. All that said, they're gonna be pretty good this year. Last year, the Packers went 6-10 despite outscoring the opposition by 39 points, the kind of statistical anomaly that foretells a quick turnaround. To accommodate Dom Capers' 3-4 defense, they drafted giant DL BJ Raji and LB Clay Matthews, a son of NFL royalty. Offensively, the team is fucking loaded, with Aaron Rodgers consistently getting better and Greg Jennings an absolute beast catching every ball thrown his way. Jennings is both a deep threat and a skilled possession wideout, and Rodgers gets the most out of him. Ryan Grant is back and healthy. This is the team I picked to the win the Super Bowl this year. It's less of a reverse jinx than it is me trying to look like a smarty pants fuckface asshole.

4. The readers have their say. From reader Sir Loin:

I spent 8 miserable years living behind enemy lines (just ask my ex-wife), and here is what I can tell you about the Green Bay Packers: Their fans are the most self-righteous, fat bags of shit I have ever encountered in my life. Permit me to plead my case…

Here is the conversation I endured every fucking time someone asked me where I was from:

DSPF (Dip Shit Packer Fan): So where ya from??? (Proceeds to shove entire bratwurst into their mouth)

Me: Minneapolis

DSPF: Aww… Minnesooota der hey… So you going to become a Packers fan, er no?(Said while spitting chunks of bratwurst and saurkraut on their Favre jersey that's 3 sizes too small)

Me: FUCK NO!

DSPF: Well why not? You're in Green Bay now don't ya know? Home of the greatest fans, the greatest coach, the greatest quarterback, the greatest stadium and the greatest team ever to grace the National Football League. If fact, your team is lucky that the Packers allow the ViQueens to even be in the league. You should be thanking me right now. (Drinks half a can of Old Style)

Me: If you moved to Minnesota, would you become a Vikings fan?

DSPF: Oh gosh no, I'm an owner of the Packers… I have my one share to prove it. (Pulls laminated share of Packers "stock" out of their Pope hat with Vince Lombardi screen printed on it) I would never turn my back on the greatest team, with the greatest fans, the greatest quarterback, the greatest coach, the greatest stadium in the National Football League.

Me: Then you understand why I'll stay a Vikings fan.

DSPF: How many championships has your team won?

At that point I'd just break the deer antlers off the Pope hat and beat them senseless with them…

And reader Roy:

Aside from the Mustard yellow and snot green uniforms, the Packers also suck because their fans suck. These have to be the most pretentious know-it-alls on the planet. Yes we all knew Brett Favre was God, (puck) but YOU knew it before any of us. YOU knew it when he was sitting on the bench in Atlanta and you willed it to Ron Wolf to go and get that country boy, land baron and he'd lead you to 5, wait 3, oh sorry ONE title in his 17 years. Wow that is a God.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC North, AFC East, AFC West, and the Rams left to go.