Why Your Team Sucks: New York Jets (Featuring Confessions Of A Meadowlands Security Guard)

Some people are fans of the New York Jets. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Jets. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.

1. J-E-T-S! GAY GAY GAY! Worst chant ever? Worst chant ever. Good thing the word "jets" only has four letters in it, or else the Jersey steakheads cheering this team on would have no fucking chance in hell of ever spelling it right. The Jets are the team you root for if you're the sort of person who not only embodies Jersey trash, but embraces just such an embodiment, self-consciously overexaggerates it because you think it's somehow charming. You know the kind of people I'm talking about. I'm not just talking about the B&T chick with press-on nails and a cheap French manicure (the manicure for people who don't want to look French!). I'm talking about the kind of chick who does that AND purposely uses words like "mootzarell," or actually says "fuhgeddaboutit" even though no one ever really says that unconsciously. I'm talking about the kind of person who tells you they have relatives in the mob even though they don't. I'm talking about the kind of person who is simultaneously trash and poseur trash. It's a neat twin-bill. That's the kind of dipshit you get when you run into a Jets fan on the street, a strained caricature of a low-rent human being. Someone who decided being regular Jersey trash wasn't good enough, and decided to become the Disneyfied version of it instead. Hey Jets fans, you're about as authentic as the inside of a fucking Bertucci's. Get fucked and die.

2. Hey Sanchez, goony goo goo! Rookie QB Mark Sanchez has already bagged $28 million in guaranteed money, AND he's banging model Hilary Rhoda to boot. He gets to live in Manhattan and experience all the joys of being a rich, handsome young man in the best city in America. Now, ask yourself, if YOU were Mark Sanchez, would you really give much of a shit about being good at football? I wouldn't. The guy has cash and pussy all around him. He's won life already. Does he really need to work 90-hour weeks and try and get a Super Bowl title? And waste away precious time that could be spent banging chicks in the bathroom at the Hudson Hotel library bar? I say that's downright foolish. Irresponsible, even. You're practically compelled to waste your career away when you're in that sort of position. Call it Leinartitis. It's just hard to sit down and think only about football when you've got so many other fun things to do. Not many QB's are dedicated in quite that way. Tom Brady bagged himself plenty of supermodels, but until well after he had proven himself. Mark Sanchez doesn't really have to do SHIT if he doesn't feel like it.

There's also the fact that Sanchez spent most of his college career throwing to wide-open receivers with the rush fifteen yards away from him. He may as well have been playing 500. Any pressure to live up to supposedly soul-breaking media scrutiny is easily dodged with a thrice-daily hot tub orgy. In other words… he's gonna be a fucking bust.

3. Fuck you, Rex Ryan. Thomas Jones had a stellar year last year. Rookie Shonn Greene shows a lot of promise (when not nursing some sort of Beanie Wells type injury). And a lot of people think Leon Washington is a decent fantasy sleeper. Well, go ahead and throw all three of those gentlemen away, gang. Because Ryan has already said that he'd rotate the three backs just as the Ravens rotated their three backs last year. That means, if you own a Jets running back, you are fucked sideways. Say hello to the new Mike Shanahan. Although, I must say, I like the cut of Ryan's jib. He's like his dad, only he isn't a moron. Given the doodoo reception Eric Mangini has gotten in Cleveland, the somewhat rash decision to switch coaches last year is suddenly looking like a swell idea.

4. Seriously though, their fans are assholes. Reader Bryan used to work security at the Meadowlands. Here's what he had to say:

I used to work security at the Meadowlands 3 years ago. The most overwhelming thing about these idiots is that they don't know how to react when they see women. Any girl that was even remotely attractive (which in this crowd amounted to being slightly better looking than Large Marge from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure) and didn't come to flash their milky gifts better get used to being showered with beer and the "C" bomb. Not to mention the assholes that would threaten to follow them to their cars. Imagine - a girl who didn't show up to strip for this crowd of fat fucks - the nerve!!! These jackoffs make the guys who assaulted Jodi Foster in "The Accused" look mild mannered. The amount of girls that would ask security for escorts to the bathroom every week was insane. Really, Woody Johnson should give away rape kits as a promotional item…

Incidents involving security at a Jets game vs. a Giants game is around 10:1 every year. And it's not fighting with the opposing teams' fans - it's a lot of fights with their own fat, toothless brethren. Perfect example - I worked the Jets - Pats blowout in 2007. We had to break up 3 different fights in the same section during the 4th quarter - and all 3 involved Jets fans fighting with one another.

5. Hey, you fucks won a Super Bowl. Stop acting like you're the most tortured fanbase in sports. You've got nothing on Buffalo and Cleveland fans.

6. Everyone hates Fireman Ed! More from the readers...

Fireman Ed? The jack-ass who sits on another man's shoulders and leads the "J-E-T-S" chant that was obviously created after a night of acid trips and watching the Electric Company? His favorite player growing up was Paul Warfield, who just happened to play for the Miami Dolphins. It would be like finding out Jack Nicholson rooted for Bill Russell growing up. This guy is your de facto spirit squad captain, Jets fans? Fucking lame…

Fireman Ed. Fuck you. I see you in the endzone with your cock and balls firmly placed against your gargantuan tard friend who hoists you up. I see you lead the most annoying cheer this side of "fly eagles fly." Stop at all costs. I've been told by a few people that you supposedly got fired from the NYFD. Good for you. Fuckface…

I'll tell one quick story: the Jets moved from Shea Stadium to Giants Stadium in 1984 in an effort to force New York City to give them a better deal on a proposed Jets-only stadium. The city called their bluff, and the team has been playing in another team's stadium ever since.

Fast-forward to 2004: plans for a new Jets stadium on the West Side of Manhattan fall through thanks to cronyism. The Jets backup plan is a stadium in their original home, Queens. OK, fine, we can all live with that. Then we find out that the Queens plan was only leverage, and the REAL plan was to build a new stadium in New Jersey. At the Meadowlands. With the Giants.

Of all the shitty, soul-crushing, kick-in-the-nads moments in this franchise's history, this one is the most mind-boggling. Memo to Woody Johnson: get feline AIDS. Then die of feline sarcoma. You grundlefaced meatus licker.

Meatus licker? That reminds me of something…

7. If I have to hear Berman talk about how they played at the Yale Bowl one more fucking time. There's no homerism quite like Nutmeg State homerism.

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC West, AFC North, and AFC East to go.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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