Why Your Team Sacks: New England Patriots

Some people are fans of the New England Patriots. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New England Patriots. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter grou...

(door flies open)

Why Your Team Sacks: New England Patriots

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! FACK YOU! You think I'm going to let you fackin' faggots tay-uh down PATRIOT NATION?! It's just like a bunch of whiny, Jawhnny-come-latelies to try and mawck the special connection this team has with its fans! YOU PEOPLE AHHH LOSAHHHS!

I gawt a fackin' idea. Here-ah ahhh five reasons you should switch to bein' a fackin' Pats fan! SACK AWN THAT!

1. Becawse that's what you facks want to do anyway! Face it. YOU PEOPLE AHHH JEALOUS OF OW-UH SUCCESS! You always have been! You just wish your-ah team was this well coached, and that your-ah quahtahback knawked up actresses like THE LEGENDARY TAWMMY BRADY HAS! That's hawt! I jerk awff to it! Who gawnna jerk awff to Tony Romo sticking his tiny cawk in Jessica's cakehole? NO ONE, THAT'S WHO!

And secretly, you've always wanted to live in Bawston. That's right! You faggots in Californiah have always wondahed what it would be like to live in a REAL town, with REAL fans! We love ow-uh teams more-ah than you love your-ahs! We gamble more-ah! Ow-uh memories ahh more-ah precious than your-ahs! Jarge fackin' Will writes books about the Sawx. He's never written jack shit about yar dooshbag Farty Ninahs! We ahh the hahht and soul of America! NO ONE DENIES THIS! We love ow-uh city! We have pride!

/hits pothole

WHEN IS THAT DAHKIE GOVERNAH OF OW-UHS GAWNNA FIX THIS ROAD?! I FACKIN HATE THIS STATE!

2. We have TWO Welkahs now! Think you can game plan far the scrappy tenacity of Welkahh?! WELL NOW WE HAVE A SECOND ONE, AND HE'S A FACKIN' JEWBAG! Listen to ow-uh fans bawnd with this very special young man, Julian Edelman…

I've just felt since the minute we got him that he was going to be special. The guy looked like a vet out there tonight. I've called him a lock for the 53 for about a week. I'm really, really looking forward to seeing him in the regular season. Oh and by the way he didn't just play QB and receiver, but he was also used as a running back and a corner too. He is Troy's replacement and he might even be better than him.

White playahs ahhh more-ah versatile! We know they-ah ahhh special, because they ahhh nawt dahkies!

3. We have the hahhhdest towns in the warld! You think yar fackin' tough? Well, try growin' up on the mean streets of New England, facko! It's nawt awl nice cawttages! We have, bahhh none, the lahhgest collection of crack-ravaged cities in America! Woostah! Bridgepart! Lowell! Bangahhh! Lawrence! New Haven! Lewiston! Hahhhtfard! THAT MAKES US TOUGHAH THAN YOU!

4. How can you nawt love Pat Patriot?! He was the best mascawt evah! He was dressed like a Patriot, and he was hiking a football! That's tradition! FACK YOU! How can you nawt love this team?

5. Let's look at all yar faggot emails! Who's this cawksackah? Stewy?

The Patriots are scumbags

GO FACK YAR MOTHAH!!

Besides the whole SpyGate controversy, the Pats have a whole bunch of other dirty laundry that no one likes to address. How about Harrison's suspension for using PED's? He got suspended and gave us the usual bullshit story about "never taking nothing."

Rawdney Harrison played hahhhdah than any playah evah! I should have him break yar tibiah far that!

Nick Kaczur got busted for buying prescription drugs. Not only that, but he then turned on his dealer and ratted him out to the Feds. The guys a druggie and a sellout!

But he's nawt a dahhhkie! We all make mistakes! Like the time I hit that dahkie with a Dunkin' travel mug!

Who's next? Tom R.?

The Pats suck for a fucking shitload of reasons

You fackin' sack far a shitload of reasons! Yar dad sacks black cawk! Who's next? Adam R.?

I fucking hate Bill Belichick. I hate his stupid fucking child molester haircut. I hate his stupid fucking sweatshirt that probably smells like a yeast-infected taint.

THEN YOU HATE FOOTBALL!

I hate him and his fucking infidelity and the Long Island trash he fucked to establish infidelity. But none of this seething hatred comes from any sort of envy of the New England Patriots organization. While, yes, I do hope Robert Kraft loses all of his money in Ponzi scheme and ends up sucking off truckers for loose change in the bathroom of a highway rest stop, this is beside the point. I fucking hate Bill fucking Belichick because of the way he resigned from the New York Jets back in 2000 - my team.

Don't get me wrong, I understand that the Jets (minus 1 year of their existence) have exhibited retardery at its finest - a band of losers hell bent on doing dumber and weirder shit than what happens in Charlie Kaufmann's wildest fever dreams. But Belichick's ambush? Not cool. Who - besides, I assume, Pat Summerall - resigns on a cocktail napkin? It was humiliating. And cowardly, might I add. Maybe even a little gay. I was seething. If I had access to a hatchet and a penchant for violence, I would have gone down there that day and scalped the stoic fuck right in the middle of his conference with the media. But nooo, I'm too much of a pussy, so instead I stared at the TV in disbelief, and then drank myself into an alcoholic coma.

So fuck Bill Belichick - I hope he drops dead on his birthday while assembling a bicycle for one of his illegitimate kids.

Any fanbase that starts a chant about how much a rival team in a different SPORT sucks, deserves to be sterile and made to live on an island where they are forced to battle to the death for survival using only night sticks and tazers. Case in point - New England Patriots fans. Listening to these unhygienic, shaved-head-retards in Foxboro Stadium chant "Yankees Suck" during a Pats-Dolphins game in December is not only painfully pitiful, but it also makes me want to simultaneously discharge two .44 automatics three inches away from my ears. Go buttfuck your Teddy Ballgame cut-out, you inferiority-complex-hicks.

I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO HAS THE INFERIARITY CAWMPLEX HERE-AH! Typical New Yark faggot! And the Yankees DO SACK! Who's next? Pam H?

I am from Louisiana and live in Boston, and I fucking hate the Patriots.

Serves you right, you Cajun vampiah whore-ah!!!!

Just because they have enjoyed some success this decade does not excuse the lumpy disasters that are their fans. The men are, in general, hideously obese, and have no qualms about wearing jerseys to non-sporting related activities. And women in Boston are generally scraping the bottom of the barrel, but the lady Pats fans are the dregs of society. They shoehorn themselves into pink Tom Brady jerseys that are at least two sizes too small, and any time they open their mouths to speak in their North-or-South Shore accents, it becomes clear that they know dick about football and are only interested in Brady's looks. Newsflash: he's out of your league! Go home and tend to your cats/miscreant spawn.

You can't talk that way about my garlfriend! Only I get to do that!

The older fans are a bunch of assholes who think these Super Bowls are part of their severance package from the Red Sox losing for so long. The younger fans are spoiled shits because they've never had real pain in sports and all they know is winning. Guess what, 10 years ago you were almost the Hartford Patriots. Tom Brady will retire, Belichick will leave, and less than 10 years from now you'll be losing again. Suck on that.

The reality is that 90% of the people at the game are only there cause they couldn't get Sox tickets. I don't think they're even paying attention. Get off your feet and get excited. It's not like you're watching the Lions dick around on the turf for 60 minutes, it's the fucking Pats. You never lose.

Oh wait, 17-1. too soon?

IT WAS 18-1! AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT WAS THE BEST TEAM IN NFL HISTORY! THEY JUST HAPPENED TO LOSE THAT GAME! FACK YOU AWL!

Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the Bills, Fins, Chargers, Chiefs, and the AFC North to go.