Because no one reads the newspaper, and SportsCenter's anchors are too perky for this early in the morning, Deadspin combs the best of the broadsheets and the blogosphere to bring you everything you need to know to start your day.

•Two days after ending his holdout, it emerges that Cincy's Andre Smith has a keep-your-weight-down-fatty clause in his contract. Also, he fractured his foot in his first practice. The two things are surprisingly not related.

•In other hilarious injury news, Daunte Culpepper needed stitches on his foot after a freak carpet accident. That's not a sexual euphemism, no matter how erotic it may seem.

•The feds are investigating allegations that the NFLPA held secret talks with the league. Hey, if the inevitable media shitstorm means I'll finally be able to pronounce DeMaurice Smith's first name correctly, then justice will be served.

•Here's your list of top-selling NFL jerseys. Favre at number 1, Vick at number 4, Brady at number8, and Michael Crabtree at number 20. The connection? In a perfect world, none would ever play a snap for their teams.

•Ricky Williams says he'll play two more seasons, then retire. When questioned about this further, Ricky said, "two seasons? I thought you said two seasoned hams."

•And here's Ron Artest covering Celine Dion, proving televised meltdowns are only career-ending if you suck, Stephon Marbury.

Send an email to Barry Petchesky, the author of this post, at barryp@deadspin.com.