SSome people are fans of the San Diego Chargers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Diego Chargers. This 2009 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
1. WHAT? HUH? FUCK YOU! The only reason you don't hate the Chargers is because you've probably spent too much time hating the Patriots and Colts. If you sat down, took your time and studied this team, why you'd hate them nearly as much as I hate Frank Zappa's music. You've got fucking Marmalard, the Evangelical trash talker. You've got LaSulkysulk making like Jay Cutler on the bench. You've got proven roid users in Luis Castillo and the rapetastic Shawne Merriman. Wideout Vincent Jackson got a DUI. I think the Chargers get away with all this strictly because they have such awesome uniforms. They redesigned them, made the numbers look like lightning bolts and shit, and brought back those kickass white helmets. It's a good distraction to keep you from noticing Marmalard making like Ron Powlus and jawing at fans in the first three rows as he jogs into the tunnel at the half.
Worst of all, the core of this outfit has STILL yet to go to a Super Bowl, and likely never will. Every year I have to hear about how talented this team is, top to bottom, only to watch them piss away golden opportunity after golden opportunity. Chargers, you've had all the chances in the world to spare me from seeing the Colts, Steelers, or Pats in the Super Bowl. Yet you fail me time and again. Well, no more. This summer, once again, everyone's going, "The Chargers are LOADED!" Well, that just means your inevitable downfall will be even more embarrassing this go round. This team could go 15-1 in this division and still choke it all away quick and decisively in the divisionals. Even when this team pulls a playoff win out of its ass, it's because the goddamn punter rescued them from certain defeat. Save your playoff spot for a team that actually knows how to close the fucking deal. Assholes. From the Fouts era onward, no franchise has gotten more undue glory for not winning anything than the Chargers have.
3. And we go back to hating Berman once more. Natrone Means was a delightful running back with a solid nickname (The Natrone Bomb), but all that was RUINED by Berman when he decided to dub him Natrone "Refried" Means, and then redub him Natrone Means "Business". Then Berman would make those weird bashing noises over footage of Means hitting the line. And suddenly, a very likable running back became someone I wished pale death upon. If Chris Berman likes you, that means I hate you forever.
4. In fact, fuck that whole '94 Chargers squad. There are teams you really wish had never made the Super Bowl. The '98 Falcons. The '85 Patriots. Teams that entered into the Super Bowl with no legitimate shot of winning, or even of keeping it close. And the Chargers fit that bill perfectly. We could have had Steelers-Niners that year. We could have watched Steve Young LOSE the Super Bowl, resigned to a tortured existence with no ring and only the big words he uses on TV to comfort him. But nooooo, we got Stan Humphries and the gang. God, that game was awful. I was so bored, I drank too much Jack and threw up all over my stomach in the dorm common room. Fun night.
5. The readers have their say. From reader Jake:
I had a roommate who came to and from San Diego and dated someone from San Diego and he was the biggest cocksucker ever. Cheap, fucking douchebaggery, everything.
And Jack O. (JackO?)
I moved to San Diego 7 years ago when the Chargers were mediocre at best and home games were being blacked out. The team has steadily improved since then and when members of the Charger organization are not getting suspended for steroids, busted for DUI, or shot by off duty police officers, they are busy making languid exits from the playoffs year after year. The worst part of Charger fandom has nothing to do with the gameday experience but any talk about a new stadium. For those not close to the situation, Chargers ownership basically wants the same Tijuana smash-n-grab deal that the Padres got for a new stadium a decade ago. If you ever bring up the fact that giving a billionaire NFL team owner a billion dollar welfare check for his billion dollar team, just so that he can charge PSLs and $6 for a pretzel, you better be ready to defend your intelligence, sexuality, and most likely, your physical person. The myopia is as abundant as lifted trucks, smog, freeway congestion, and road rage, which is why they'll end up in LA.
Wanna be part of the Deadspin NFL previews? It's simple. Just email me here and give me some reasons why the team you hate most sucks. If it's because you dated a fan of the team and she turned out to be some crazy bitch who keyed your car, all the better. I'll throw any good material into the post and give you proper credit. We've got the AFC West, AFC North, and AFC East to go.