Football season is upon us, which means that thousands of angry, horny, feisty pretend fans will converge upon this great nation's red cup-littered parking lots to participate in traditional tailgating revelry. These are not those stories.

This series will run on MONDAYS this year, but since it's Labor Day (and today is a half day, too, btw) we'll run it today to get it started. Again, consult the initial post if you'd like to help us out with this. Gratzi. And...off we go.

ONE:

IU is expected to go 0-8 this year in the big ten but we sure did go undefeated last year in tailgates. Check out this riot at the IU vs ball state game last year. there were full beers, bottles of vodka, literally anything you can find being thrown everywhere and at anyone. People were getting sniped off the tops of cars. Eventaully a line of IUPD just walked directly through and beat or ticketed anyone in there way check out these links on youtube. — Anonymous IU student

TWO:

Freshman year at Auburn University. I had just started drinking heavily, and did so the night before the LSU game. We're out tailgating near the stadium. Not being familiar with the beer shits that follow binge drinking, I attempted a fart. But it came out wet and I notice the beershits trickling out of my shorts. So I make some BS excuse and take off sprinting towards the dorm to change pants. But I run behind a Jeep and directly into the bike rack hanging off the spare tire. I was clotheslined like Bradshaw had ran by and was flat on my back. With shit in my pants. My friends are laughing their ass off, but they still don't know why I was running so hard. It was because I had shit my pants. FAILGATE. Auburn won btw. Thank God I am not superstitious. — ArtieFufkin

THREE:

Tailgaiting one of the games last year in our usual spot, a group of dudes that hated sleeves pulled in next to us. What ensued in the following hours was watching someone drive a tractor trailer through their future. They had managed to fill the bed of their truck with water and were treating it like a kiddie pool, generally sitting with their legs in it and what not. Add in multiple hours of early morning drinking with a severe lack of food and a strong hatred for clothes and it boils over poorly. As the marching band makes their way through the crowd they decide that in font of this spot is the best place to play a rousing tune before heading into the game. The scientist in question takes this as a cue to stand on the top of the cab of the truck, begin dancing and conducting for the crowd. He then proceeds to take his clothes off, piece by piece, throwing them into the crowd. He throws a shoe into the band and gets the cops attention. Standing in almost nothing, he decides to cannonball into the bed filled with water. The people cheer. The cops, do not. They come over and start talking to him telling him to get out of the truck. The band scurries away and the kid climbs back up on the cab. People start chanting jump. He is given a final warning from our blue uniformed friend. In, what I thought at the time was an act of "Fuck it, I already going to get arrested, may as well go out on top", he jumps in again. People cheer. The cops grab him and pull him out. Or attempt to. As he struggles with the officers, he is eventually dragged out of the crowd to the cop car where he is placed in cuffs. Seeing as fighting back is the only logical choice he has, he proceeds to knee one of the cops in the balls and tries to use his wet body to slip away. The police do not care for this. As crowds of people yell "Stop, you're making it worse" and he is finally apprehended and placed in the car, one of his friends approaches me. "Holy shit. He's fucked." I respond with yeah, probably. He retorts, "No, you don't understand, he's in the ROTC." Was. — Jerry D.

FOUR:

Fire It Up And Get The Skanks, Hoosiers

I had the pleasure of visiting a friend at UF on a game day weekend. We had been drinking since we had gotten up. We stumped toward the field, but not before coming up to a house party and invited ourselves in. There had to be 200 people crammed in this shithole of a house. After walking in, we found there were no cups. My friend and I went through the cabinets in the kitchen, and only finding tupperware, we decide that was good enough.

Good enough for us, but not for UF alum and Gold Medalist Ryan Lochte. He drank out of a frisbee for the rest of the morning. We ran into him during a signing at the local mall later that year. He was sporting his gold medal, but refused to talk about the frisbee. His handlers then asked us to leave. — Joe D.

FIVE:

I went to the Orange Bowl in 2008, Va. Tech vs. Kansas. Went to a friend's tailgate, drank beers and cocktails for about four hours before the game, and then someone tells us they have a little blow on them. So a few of us get in the front seat of the Suburban just after dark, while the tailgates around us are still wrapping up. We're all doing it except one guy who came with his girlfriend, and is sort of a jerk anyway.

He gets pissed we're doing coke, and some local news crew is wandering the tailgate lot getting a few quick interviews with drunken fans. The jerk calls over the news crew, and tells them we've got a quote for them, and before we know it, an anchorwoman and a camera man (attached to a very bright light, I might add), are standing outside the driver's side window with a light spotlighting three people huddled around an "...And Justice For All" CD case that has about four decent-sized rails carved out on it.

As far as any video evidence goes, it might be in the possession of a local NBC affiliate, but I don't have any to offer. Sorry. — Alex M.

SIX:

Once upon a time, South Florida had the "Miami Hooters", an Arena League franchise which was as well known for having hooters girls running around the arena giving away freebies in the stands as it was for football.

For one of the games they ran a promo in which ticketholders could take a party bus loaded with wings and alcohol from a West Palm Beach Hooters down to the Miami Arena, where the Hooters played. My friends and I happily took up the offer but were about 3/4ths the way down to the Arena when my friend Matt realized the bus had no bathroom and all the alcohol we'd been drinking had finally gotten to him.

Luckily a good samaritan was sitting in front of us and offered up his mostly-empty tequila bottle for Matt to relieve himself into. He does his duty and stashes the bottle under his seat. The drunk fans (everyone) on the bus thinks this is funny and we all have a good laugh about it.

When we get back to the bus after the game, we notice that the bus driver has cleaned out the bus and moved the bottle out onto the curb. At this point I need to tell you that the Miami Arena was built in quite possibly the worst neighborhood of Miami. Panhandlers and crackheads all over the place. So we all pile back into the bus and before we pull out – oh damn - one of the crackhead women is going for the bottle!

Everyone on the curb-side of the bus starts banging their bus window and yelling "don't drink it!". She unscrews the cap on the bottle and takes a whiff, presumably smelling the 10% tequila that's mixed in with the urine. At that point she looks up at us with the expression of someone who just won the lottery and she races down the street as fast as her little crack legs can carry her, thinking she got away with a huge score.— John K.

SEVEN:

Not sure if you could use this or not but its my favorite tailgate picture ever. Taken during the Sabres/Canes Eastern Conference Finals when about 9,000 Buffalonians invaded Raleigh. Most by car so im sure there are 1,000's of stories. — Ed H.

Fire It Up And Get The Skanks, HoosiersS

Attention tailgaters. It's a long season so please help us with this project and send along any and all shady stories, ridiculous videos, and photos from your tailgating experiences from this season. Or last season. Or 1952. Just make it funny/sad/gross/shocking. Email to tips@deadspin.com. Subject: FAILgate