The One With The Best Barry Switzer Story EVER

We get a massive amount of tips in our inbox each week. Some are pretty interesting, but don't get published for one reason or another.

It's usually because they're just so absurd or really lack even the most tenuous of news angles to give them the go-ahead. Other times it's because they're just absolute horseshit. But every Friday until we get sick of running them, we'll present to you some of these not-so-shiny gems. All items should be treated as [Sic'd]. Enjoy...

Barry Switzer: Well Hung Hero

So it's sometime in the 70s, back when Barry Switzer was young enough that he wasn't just presiding over some of the greatest shenanigans in college football history, he was participating in them too. A couple of friends-of-the-program are gallivanting around with some young ladies in a hotel room, as friends-of-the-program did back then. They decide to call Switzer to harass him for not being in a position to participate in the good times that were about to transpire. Switzer does not appreciate the phone call.

The hotel is twenty minutes away. Switzer is banging on the hotel-room door in ten. Switzer is clearly Billy Simms. Switzer is also clearly naked. Now would also be a good time to mention that Switzer's got a fourth Selmon brother dangling between his legs (he is well hung).

To everyone's laughter and astonishment, Switzer busts into the room and prepares to run the wishbone straight into the opposing team's ovaries. However, for reasons that are familiar to the vast majority of American men who aren't Mormons, Switzer cannot call his enormous package to attention. Rather than cringing in shame (Barry Switzer doesn't do shame), he storms to the corner of the room, sits in a chair, and starts yelling at his uncooperative offensive unit:

"Goddamn it! You look like OU, but you play like OSU!"

Oklahoma State went to two bowl games in the 1970s. One of them was the Tangerine Bowl.

He Is Not Amused By the Rampant Suckage

The "Your Team Sucks" and "Your Stadium Sucks" features are incredibly pointless and nauseating. Most of them are the same recycled arguments you can pull on any team's fans or stadium. There was always a sort of nonchalance about Deadspin that I admired — that it wouldn't stoop to ESPN's incessant mockery of any team that doesn't have a winning record. It is neither classy nor creative in any regard. For example, the "Your Stadium Sucks" feature for Oriole Park at Camden Yards' main argument was that a lot of other stadiums have copied the blueprint OPaCY set. How is that a legit logic? It's mind-numbing. Please cease any similar features in the future.

JETS CAKE

First off I love your site it's probably the most real sports site on the internet keep up the good work. I saw the why your team sucks article on the Jets the other day I thought it was well done, even for this Jets fan I was able to laugh at it. Speaking of the Jets my cousin got married a few weeks ago and for the rehearsal dinner we got him a scale model Jets helmet as the cake. I thought these would be good to show on the site. Let me know what you think.

Thanks,

Chris

The One With The Best Barry Switzer Story EVER

The One With The Best Barry Switzer Story EVER

Dirty Slaves Just Doesn't Have The Same Ring To It

Drew,

Here's a quote from "Why Your Team Sucks: Cleveland Browns":

"Please crucify the Browns like the dirty Jews that they are"

What is this doing in your column? I know it's an email from a reader but it's FEATURED (as the first reader email) in your column. This implies some sort of editorial endorsement.

If that same email was sent to you, but instead of saying "Please crucify the Browns like the dirty Jews that they are" it said "Please string up the Browns like the dirty slaves they are" would you have featured it in your column? I'm actually curious.

Thanks for your attention,

Max

Mark Reynolds: Goat Fucker

Uh AJ or whatever or whomever takes up space in the Gawker offices..

For some awful reason I was reading about Mark Reynolds of Arizona Diamondbacks. So check out his Wikipedia page and let me know if you see what I see.

Apparently Mark Reynolds is documented goat fucker...it's on the internetz, it must be true..

Please use whatever sort of journalistic skills you have and figure this one out.

"Mark Andrew Reynolds (born August 3, 1983, in Pikeville, Kentucky) is a third baseman/first baseman in Major League Baseball who plays for the Arizona Diamondbacks. He is nicknamed "The Sheriff" and he is a documented goat fucker".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Reynolds_%28baseball%29

Dan,

Maryland.

Little Man In Blogger Clothing

Of course Hout had a smirk on his face. The Broncos had just destroyed a team who had been talking smack for weeks. Blount was the one who said the Broncos were going to get an ass whoppin! If anyone deserved to be talking a little smack after the game it was the Broncos.

And yes Dashell, a part of me would be a little pleased to see that s—- eating grin wiped off of your face!

What is it with bloggers who are generally little people until they bravely get behind a computer screen and keyboard.

The people of Boise and Oregon have been great about this situation. Your comments about Hout show that you are an little man in blogger clothing

Ha. He Said Squirt.

With regard to the Boise State/Oregon postgame incident: So, you think it's OK to punch people in the face just because they are smirking. Your comment makes me want to wipe the smirk off of your dumb little adolescent face. How would like that squirt? Steve Spellerberg