Dear NBC, DIES

I hate you, NBC. I hate you so very much. All I wanted to do this weekend was enjoy some football.

All I wanted to do was watch Jay Cutler throw four picks, see the Bears run an inexplicable fake punt (called automatically by the long snapper, who was apparently not coached to consider factors such as time, score, or field position), see Lovie Smith challenge that call in a futile attempt to reverse his own idiocy, and then hear Cris Collinsworth express shock at just how retarded Lovie Smith was for challenging that call.

That's all I wanted. I just wanted to watch a mistake-filled, hilariously played football game.

But YOU. You fucking people… you had to paint the broadcast from top to bottom with your annoying Jay Leno promos. Fuck you. No, I mean it. FUCK YOU. I'm really sorry that an entire football game had to interrupt your Jay Leno infomercial. Perhaps you could air the game on another network somewhere, one that isn't as cheaply run as your average fucking airline.

All goddamn night, I had to sit there and be bombarded with your fucking promos for a fucking show that no American under the age of 55 will ever deign to fucking watch. ZOMG! COMEDY AT 10PM?! UNHEARD OF! I've never watched comedy at that hour, ever! Unless I'm watching a movie that night. Or I'm watching South Park. Or I've recorded a comedy program that airs at another hour and decided to watch it at 10PM. Just to be a REBEL.

I've never done that, NBC. I've never known what it is like to laugh at that hour. I am not sure I'm biologically equipped to handle it. I'm so used to setting that hour aside to watch doctors fuck each other and then perform open-heart surgery at that hour. That hour is not meant for laughter. It is a dark, intense 60 minutes of each day. All I want to do at that hour is brood, and look over corpses for forensic traces of the Miniature Killer's calling card. Comedy? At 10PM? I DON'T KNOW IF I'M PREPARED FOR THE REVOLUTION.

It's not my fault you people decided to put all your eggs in one basket. It's not my fault you people are too goddamn cheap and uncreative to produce five hours of scripted programming. It's not my fault your business model revolves around a comedian who stopped being funny two decades ago and fat people losing weight to Nickelback songs. YOU made that decision all on your own. No one in America asked you to do that. No one in America asked to be eye-raped by promo after promo of Jay Leno walking out to a unrealistically enthusiastic crowd populated with unrealistically young and attractive people. I've seen Jay Leno'a real audience, NBC. They're the people who couldn't get tickets to The Price Is Right. Many are still wearing sweatshirts bearing the name of the small town in Indiana in which they were born, and in which they will die.

It's not my fault Jay's signature comedy bit is something he ripped off from Howard Stern, and you are now banking on it to save you from insolvency and irrelevance. It's not my fault you decided to treat Conan O'Brien like a deformed child chained in a fruit cellar. Again, you did all that yourself. It's not my fault your network must be secretly run by Lovie Smith. I didn't deserve any of this. All I wanted was to watch a football game in relative peace and quiet.

So no, NBC. I will not be watching at 10PM tonight when Jay Leno reinvents television… by doing the same boring fucking show he's done since 1993. Maybe I'm just not ready for comedy at 10PM. Or maybe it's because I've gone from being indifferent to your network to actively hoping you fail, and that Ben Silverman is forced to one day suck the marrow out of bones he found in a Popeye's dumpster for sustenance. I am not ready to laugh. Take Jay Leno and shove him up your peacockhole.