Awwww shit, y'all – get out your slide rules and hide your daughters, because the bad boys of the internet are back! FJM in the motherhumping hizzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyyy!
What's that? You have no idea what FJM is? So our braggy enthusiasm just came off as ridiculous? And this is embarrassing for everyone? Totally understand. Unfortunately, there is no delete key on this keyboard. So let's just move past it.
Fire Joe Morgan began in April of 1954, as an agitprop mouthpiece for Senator Joe McCarthy and the House Committee on Un-American Activities. In the ‘70s, under new owner Henry Kissinger, it was a communication method for CIA agents involved in the assassination attempt on Generalissino Pinochet. In 1993 it became a Phish fan site. Then a collection of poorly-photoshopped Christina Aguilera nudes. Finally, in 2005, it became what hundreds of tens of people all over the world know it as today: a place where bad sports journalism got yelled at by a bunch of arrogant dicks.
In its three-plus glorious years, Fire Joe Morgan accomplished many great things, including:
1. Introducing the phrase "Fuck the heck?!" into the parlance.
2. Using a lot of food metaphors.
3. That's it. Just those two things.
We don't really know why we were asked to guest-edit Deadspin, so basically we're just going to do the same thing we used to do: link to, reprint, and make fun of dumb sports articles. It does feel a little weird having our stuff up on a website with more than two colors, but we'll try to get used to it.
Let's open the floor for questions.
What have you guys been up to since shutting down FJM?
Junior and Ken are now writing for NBC's Parks and Recreation, which totally coincidentally airs its season 2 premiere tomorrow night at 8:30. dak is still in federal prison and doing great. Hang in there, dak! Only eleven more consecutively-served life sentences!
Other than that, we've mostly just been reading baseball articles, writing really long, foul-mouthed missives about how wrongheaded they are, printing out what we've written, lighting it on fire, and watching the smoke reach up to the heavens. We do this probably eight or nine times a day.
I've already read all these articles you're going to make fun of. Why should I read them again?
You shouldn't! Nobody should ever read the internet. Read a book or spend time with your children. This is all a huge waste of time.
Seriously, though. I'm a sports fan, and this is 2009 — I've read all of these articles on the internet. Many of them have already been made fun of on this very site.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
So, what – you want me to read all of them again just to see how you guys make fun of them?
Yeah. I guess we do. Yeah.
Okay. I will do that. And I will also click on the links of all of Deadspin's advertisers and buy their products.
Sounds good. Thanks.
Let's talk "scrappy." Who gets this year's David Eckstein Award for Seduction of Lazy Journalists By A Replacement-Level-Quality Player?
The fight for the Ecky is as competitive as it is fake. This year, in an exciting twist, lazy journalists were so lazy that they accidentally allowed 2 non-white players to sneak into the Ecky finals: Dexter Fowler and Nyjer Morgan.
In the end, however, the voting wasn't even close. And the Ecky goes to...David Eckstein!
Did you read that thing Murray Chass wrote, where he—
Yeah. We'll get to that.
But it was insane! What is wrong with that guy! I mean-
Dude, I promise, we'll get to it.
Okay! Enough questions. Let's get to the articles, and the cursing, and the wasting of valuable time and lifeforce, and the Food Metaphors. We promise, this experience will be a veritable chocolate fountain of pleasure. Please: don't eat the burnt toast that is not reading these articles.