Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed.
Week 1 of the NFL season featured a miracle 87-yard touchdown pass, two brutal late game fumbles, the awesomest Purple Jesus double-stiffarm ever, Cutlerfucker imploding on impact, Drew Brees nearly breaking the season-long TD record in a single half, Delhomme spiraling deeper into Steve Blass Disease, and Brady Quinn making like Garo Yepremian. Holy shit, is it nice to have football back. And this week's slate of games looks to be even BETTER somehow.
But before we get into that, let's give a second round of applause to the gents at Fire Joe Morgan, for coming in yesterday and absolutely KILLING it. If you're not inspired by the antics of those brilliant gentlemen, you must be Joe Morgan.
Now, let's light this candle.
All games in the Jamboroo are evaluated for sheer watchability on a scale of 1 to 5 Throwgasms.
Saints at Eagles: Shouldn't the Eagles just cut Michael Vick? I get signing him as a luxury during training camp. That kinda made sense. But now they're in a situation where they need someone who can play quarterback, you know, effectively. That's why they brought in Jeff Garcia this week. Now, to keep Vick, they had to get rid of Hank Baskett and his Zodiac boat of a wife in order to keep four QB's on the roster. I'm not saying Baskett was the shit, but that roster space is valuable. And that doesn't include the roster issues they have if they want to play Vick in the Wildcat when he gets back. They don't NEED Vick. They never have. If McNabb had busted his ribs the first week of training camp and Garcia had been available then, you never see Vick in a Philly uniform. They signed him to a relatively small contract. Is it really worth dicking around with the roster this much to accommodate him? Am I asking rhetorical questions just to be an arrogant cock?
Patriots at Jets: Rex Ryan is fucking awesome. I wish he coached my team. Shit, I wish he was my dad. He'd make me a sundae, and then kick the shit out of me. Such a lovable man. You need six Gatorade coolers just to get his shirt properly drenched. AND HE DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM BELICHICK! I like that. Sure, Brad Childress has criticized Belichick before, but Brad Childress is awful. Here's a GOOD coach standing up to that MILFhunter. I adore him.
Note from that Pats-Bills game last week: I hope they keep the retro ref unis around all year, particularly the hats they have that tell everyone they went to Auburn.
Giants at Cowboys: YEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWW!!!! Did you know Jerry Jones is opening a new stadium? Did you know it cost a fuckload? Did you know it has, like, art and shit? You will after Sunday Night. By the way, the stadium is expected to have well over 100,000 people on hand for Sunday Night, despite having only 85,000 seats. Oh, Party Passes. Is there nothing you can't do? Next time, I suggest someone build a luxury stadium with no seats of any kind. Just ramps. It would be like the Guggenheim Museum, only I'd be drunk and could throw up over the rail and down onto the floor of the atrium. Everyone wins. While we're here, a couple things about the new, Madden-free SNF telecast:
-They did this before, but I hate live player graphics, the ones where the player's head pops up on screen and stares at you, blinking, without saying anything. It's like Stryker's kid staring at people in X-Men 2 and telling them to go commit murrrrrder. Just use a goddamn still photo, NBC. Stop turning your player graphics into such awkward moments between me and the screen. It's like reliving the Garlin podcast over and over again.
-I know some people aren't fans of Cris Collinsworth. They don't like his voice, or his mannerisms, or the fact that he nailed their sister the day of her bat mitzvah, or some other inherent quality he possesses that he can't really help. But I have to say, he was awesome on the Thursday and Sunday games last week. You could tell he spent the offseason doing everything he could to be prepared to fill Madden's shoes. He happily criticized players who fucked up, which occurred at virtually any point of the Bears-Packers game (at one point, I really thought he was going to turn to Al and say, "Jesus Al, these guys can't play for SHIT"). He pointed out shit you wouldn't have noticed otherwise. He was genuinely passionate, enthusiastic, and didn't try and do any bullshit schtick. He was great, and I'm glad he's there now.
The Vikings and Packers played a playoff game a while back that featured Brett Favre throwing a pass in the red zone when he was well past the line of scrimmage. The mistake cost the Packers a possible touchdown, and Collinsworth did nothing but heap praise on Favre for his childlike exuberance on the play. I bitched for ages for about that, because I am a petty human being and I have nothing better to do with my time. Sorry for the grudge, Cris. NOW STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM KID, YOU GODDAMN CRETIN.
(Side note: The NFL pulled the Collinsworth vid from YouTube. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
Ravens at Chargers: Anytime you mention defense with regards to football, you must pronounce it DEfense. But use it in any other context, and it's deFENSE. I demand the accentuation of this word become uniform, in favor of DEfense. It would be particularly effective in the legal profession. "The DEfense rests, you son of a bitch." Also, the word defend must also follow suit.
Steelers at Bears: James Harrison is a fucking huge person. Even in comparison to regular NFL players. Maybe he wears enormous pads, or maybe it's a trick of lighting. All I know is that when he lines up against a left tackle, he looks like he could hold them between his thumb and forefinger and eat them in one bite, like an amuse bouche. It's like someone took Galactus and pulled a black jersey over his helmet. It's like two Levon Kirklands in a single uniform. They could have put him in the Stones' "Love Is Strong" video without having to use model buildings. He's just an enormous person. If I were on the field against him, I'd void every chamber in my body.
Also, why is Ben Roethlisberger incapable of playing well until there are only two goddamn minutes left in any given half? And why does this team call dive plays on 3rd and 1 when they can't run for shit?
By the way, any time Heath Miller catches a pass in Pittsburgh, the crowd yells out HEEEEEATH. If you're white, and you're a tight end with a long vowel sound in your last name or nickname, the crowd does that sort of thing for you.
Regarding the Bears, Collinsworth somewhat absolved Lovie Smith for the fake punt play in the Packers game, pinning the blame on the Bears long snapper (Patrick Mannelly) for seeing the 12th man on the defense and quickly snapping it to the upback. But here's what makes no sense to me. If the snapper is coached to hike the ball when he sees 12 men on the defense in order to get the penalty, why does he have to snap it to the upback? If he's just trying to draw the flag, who gives a shit who he hikes it to? Shouldn't he be coached to snap it to the PUNTER in case something goes awry, like if it turns out there AREN'T 12 defenders on the field? That way, you can punt the ball and not be, you know, FUCKED. I know Mannelly made a stupid play. But someone coached him to make that stupid play.
Colts at Dolphins: It took roughly seven seconds for Behrens' prediction of Anthony Gonzalez shitting the futon to come true. It's a fantasy law now. If everyone in the league lauds your pick during a draft, that player is DOOMED.
Panthers at Falcons: Best $20 million in guaranteed money ever spent? Best $20 million in guaranteed money ever spent.
Texans at Titans: Jeff Fisher has a thicker mustache this year. It's fuller, pushbroomier, more semi-Holmgrenish. It's really quite nice. It now grows past the top ridge of his upper lip. It makes me wonder how long you could grow a mustache of you were someone gifted with the ability to grow facial hair (I am not). Yeah, I've seen those guys who do the handlebar thing and wax the ends of the ‘stache out to the sides. But what about growing one DOWNWARD? So that it falls over your mouth, like a filled-in goatee? Or what if you parted the mustache in the center, like a big hairy mouthcurtain? Then you could put finger puppets on your tongue and perform a little kid's show. YOU COULD PRETEND YOUR MOUTH IS A CAR WASH. Facial hair allows for so many intriguing possibilities. I wish I had gone through puberty.
By the way, when Cortland Finnegan picked off Big Ben and ran it back at the end of the half last week, he could have scored if Michael Griffin had blocked someone. He was out in front of Finnegan and could have cleared an open path. But he didn't block SHIT.
Also, Kyle Vanden Bosch looks like a WWE heel.
Cardinals at Jaguars: I'm not one to get excited over books, but that Krakauer book about Pat Tillman is gonna be awesome. Krakauer has already gotten me to hate and fear both Mormons and socialite mountain climbers. I can't wait to hate the shit out of the Pentagon.
Seahawks at 49ers: Peep the cross dangling from Mike Singletary's neck during games this year. It's almost actual size. You could nail James Harrison to it. Do not mess with this team.
Browns at Broncos: Spencer Hall wrote this week that, "People who don't like Gus Johnson also hate noises during sex, dogs for their pawprints, and messy, delicious foods." Now, I like all three of those things, preferably all in bed simultaneously. But I can see why people like Leitch are less than enthused about how Gus calls plays like the Stokley miracle TD from last week. He sounds like he's ejaculating out of his throat.
Me: What did you think of the Gus call on the Stokley TD?
Leitch: I ultimately can only take so much of that. I think it makes more sense in the tournament than the NFL. And keep him the hell away from my baseball.
Me: Do you think he fakes every Gusgasm?
Leitch: You mean do I think he's not that excited, really? Yes. But that said, I'll take fake excitement over fake outrage any day.
As will I. At least Gus is trying to show some enthusiasm. You have to shoot an Artie Lange sperm bank sample onto Joe Buck's chest to get a reaction out of that asshole. And if ANY sports needed Gus Johnson's help, it's baseball. Sorry, Leitch. Still, it's possible Gus went juuuust a bit overboard on that Stokley TD. He maxed out there. They only way he could convey more excitement to the audience is if he chainsawed his own head off.
As for the Browns, I find it odd that Eric Mangini got fined $25,000 for hiding an injury when Bill Belichick has hidden every injury that has ever happened to his team ever. Few people know this, but Tedy Bruschi's stroke actually occurred seven years ago.
Vikings at Lions: Brad Childress is from Aurora, Illinois. Ahackcoachwhounleashesaretardedonsidekickintheopenersayswhat? I remember Garth had a dad called Beav in the "Wayne's World" skits. And Wayne always used to imitate Beav by saying, "Hi, I'm Beav, and I'm a big fag." Oh, for the more innocent times of my youth, when you could hurl FAG at someone on national TV and get away with it.
I was listening to Brian Billick and Thom Brennaman call the Vikings game last week. Brennaman said, "You can't deny that Brett Favre LOVES playing football." Billick called Favre, "one of the all time great quarterbacks of all time." Say hello to FOX's worst announcing team. Fuck you both in headset.
Bengals at Packers: Ooh, Charissa Thompson is blonde again! No more sexy grad student look for her!
By the way, I'm not homosexual (my qualifying statement that I'm not homosexual proves it), but Aaron Rodgers has lovely eyes. Take a look sometime. They're quite striking.
Rams at Redskins: You should have seen the look on KOGOD's face when he realized on Sunday that the Skins are still the same boring, criminally passive on offense team as they were last year. Priceless. Couple that with the show Mark Sanchez put on for the Jets and it's like a double kick to the prostate. It's just about time to say, for certain, that Jason Campbell officially blows. He's not gonna get faster. He's not gonna get more decisive. He's not gonna get better. He doesn't need more weapons, or more support. He just blows. Once you admit it to yourself, things get much easier. Todd Collins starts by October.
Bucs at Bills: Anyone else notice last week that all the NFL coaches, across every team, were wearing the same pleated chinos? It was epidemic. The top half of them said football, while the bottom half said lunch at the turn. Not a sharp look.
Raiders at Chiefs
Pregame Song That Makes Me Want To Run Through A Goddamn Brick Wall
"Eiffel Tower High," by Husker Du. I used to work at an ad agency in Manhattan located way downtown. They had a gym on the roof of the building with an outdoor track. Every day, you could go running on the track and get a 360-degree view of the city on every loop. If you went at sundown, you could see the light reflecting off the sides of the World Trade Center, giving both towers a supernatural lavender glow. I listened to this song I lot when I ran on that roof. It's one of the very few times in my life I haven't wanted to stop exercising. Run with that kind of view and you feel like you're sprinting across the shoulders of giants.
Embarassing iTunes Library Track I Own That Will Not Fire You Up
"Don't Know Why," by Norah Jones. In the past, I have made love (to a person!) while this song was playing in the background. It does not help male performance to have a woman crooning in the background over and over again that she doesn't know why she didn't come. It does not help ONE GODDAMN BIT. Maybe instead of sitting there waiting for the sun, you could put a little more effort into this thing, Norah. I'm doing all the work here.
My kid likes watching clips of Elmo on the computer, and one of them is a guest spot featuring Norah Jones singing "Don't Know Why" in a duet with Elmo (link above). Only the lyrics have been changed to, "I don't know why Y didn't come." So any time my kid hops on the computer, my brain does one of two things: 1) It pictures the letter Y trying to bang someone (I vote for the number 3, because it looks like a sideways ass presenting itself for insertion) and failing to achieve orgasm, or 2) It reminds me of the time Norah Jones' voice destroyed my erection. If any knows the number of a good lobotomist, I'd be most appreciative. I don't want this brain anymore.
From now on, I'm going back to the "Harder They Come" soundtrack for all my sexual affairs.
Open Mailbag Tuesdays
Got something you want displayed for show and tell in the Deadspin Tuesday Mailbag? Email me any question or observation you like. "You're ripping off Simmons by answering mail!" was a popular one last week.
Fantasy Player That Deserves To Die A Slow, Painful Death
Pierre Thomas. It's one thing for a player like Steve Slaton or Cutlerfucker to be unproductive in Week 1. But at least they played. PIERRE THOMAS, GET OFF YOUR PUSSY ASS AND GET BACK ON THAT GODDAMN FIELD.
Suicide Pick Of The Week
Last week's suicide pick of New Orleans was correct, making me 1-0 on the year. That puts the Saints off the board now. We once again pick a team for your suicide pool and something that makes you WANT to commit suicide. This week's pick? Washington, and those ads with GM's new CEO limping around and begging you to buy one of his cars. There's nothing more depressing than when a car company busts out their CEO and sticks him on awkwardly camera to explain to you, "Hey, we don't suck! We make good cars! I SWEAR! PLEASE BUY ONE! PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE?" Just come back when you have the Volt ready, Gimpy von Oldpants. And make sure it's cheap as shit.
Nazi Shark's Vegas Lock Of The Week
Lots of sports sites, to demonstrate the arbitrary nature of gambling, like to have animals like monkeys pick games to see if they can outwit their human counterparts. There's no reason we at Deadspin can't also get in on the fun. So we've asked National Socialist German Workers' Party member Rolf, who also happens to be a shark, to pick one game a week. Take it away, Nazi shark.
"This week, I like the Panthers getting 6 points on the road against the Falcons. I see the Jewish Michael Jordan officially retired this week. Bet he led his Yeshiva league in steals."
2009 Nazi Shark Record: 1-0(!)
New pic of Rolf via the mysterious Zebra Is Food.
Great Moments In Poop History
Hard to top Uff's story from last week, but reader the Earl of Weaver will give it a go:
When you're only 8 years old, there are only a few certain things you desperately cling to: an old Playboy magazine you found stashed in your uncle's closet, your bike, icy pops and your favorite sports franchises, to name a few. This particular poop story involves the bike and my revered football franchise, the Washington Redskins.
It was January of 1991 and I had the pleasure of riding my sweet Mongoose BMX over to a friend's to watch the Skins beat down the Eagles in the NFC Wild Card game. Unfortunately I hitched a ride back home and left my bike at my buddy's, deciding I'd pick it up another day. Later on that week I trekked over to snag it only to find that no one was home. Undeterred, I concluded the best course of action was to simply break into the garage and retrieve the bike myself. Due to the combination of excitement and dread, a bout of doo doo suddenly decided to make its presence known inside my lower intestine. With nowhere to relieve myself, and knowing that time was of the essence before either a neighbor or the returning family found me trying to forcibly enter their home, I shat myself. Somewhat fortunately I wasn't wearing any underroos and the relatively clean and tightly-packed clump easily found its way out of the bottom of my pant leg and onto their driveway. You'd figure I was plenty relieved at this point, but instead I panicked and fled.
Did I mention I was wearing full Redskins garb that day? Later that week the Skins followed suit and put up a shitter of a game against the '49ers. Oh sweet, foul-smelling irony.
That's not irony. That's verisimilitude. Poopy brown verisimilitude.
Fire This Asshole!
Is there anything more exciting than a coach losing his job? All year long, we'll keep track of which coaches will almost certainly get fired at year's end or sooner. And now, your updated chopping block:
Jack Del Rio
Shouldn't Lovie have been fired on Monday morning? I think so. I'd replace him with a scarecrow holding a lanyard whistle.
Gametime Snack Of The Week
Lollipops! Any time I eat Tootsie Pop, I somehow manage to create a slit in the lollipop so razor sharp, it could cut through fucking granite. Ever cut your tongue on a lollipop ridge? Agony. WHY MUST SOMETHING SO SWEET BE SO CRUEL?
Gametime Beer Of The Week
Magic Hat! Yes, Magic Hat, one of the pioneers in the field of "Beers I'll purchase just because they have a cool label". Look at that label. Maybe that beer has quaaludes in it! Together, the beer industry and the hot sauce industry represent 95.6% of all funky labels printed in the United States. The beer's pretty solid, too.
Robert Evans' MVP Watch!
Time to start thinking about who the leaders are for the NFL's MVP award. So every week, legendary Hollywood producer Robert Evans will join us to give us his assessment. Take it away, Mr. Evans.
"Baby, my favorite for the NFL's MVP this year is, once again, Drew Brees of the Saints! Ah, New Orleans. Lemme tell you about the time I was an uncredited consultant on the set of Angel Heart. Had a chance to spend an evening or two with a feisty young ethnic girl, name of Lisa Bonet. Was a HUGE TV star back then! Gorgeous? YOU BET! Freaky? You know it! Remember that chicken blood scene? She improvised that! She brought her own bucket to the set! We even had a frolic with it later on that night. Kinky? Damn right! Sticky? Let me tell you something: that chicken blood was harder to wash away than the box office returns from The Cotton Club!"
Sunday Afternoon Movie Of The Week For Lions Fans
Point Break. Rest in peace, Mr. Swayze. You know, Patrick Swayze starred in some pretty cheesy films over the course of his career: Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Black Dog, and all that shit. But then there's a role like this, where he plays one of the most charismatic villains you'll ever see. From start to finish in Point Break, Swayze is just a fucking badass. I know he's a badass in Road House, but that was in a cheesy way, with the feathered hair and bad one-liners. He's not cheesy here. He's just awesome. Tom Curran says he was a STAR.
I know Swayze likely passed away at his home, in a bed, surrounded by his family and friends. But I'll still always picturing him leaving the mortal plane the way he did in this movie, swallowed whole by the giant wave he's been waiting his whole life to ride. I'd like to think it takes a mountain of water that large to consume a presence that enormous.
Also, remember when Anthony Kiedis shot himself in the foot in this flick? That was solid.
Gratuitous Simpsons Quote
"I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a seven or an eight, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far!"
Halftime Masturbation Kit
-For the guys: Irish reality TV star Noirin Kelly. Noirin is a big star on the UK's version of "Big Brother." Do they separate contestants over there into Upstairs and Downstairs? They should. Mmmm… snooty class warfare.
-For the gals: 500 Days Of Summer star Joseph Gordon-Leavitt, sans shirt. JGL was also the star of Brick. I hated that movie.
Enjoy the games, everyone.