Evil Russian Mastermind To Buy Nets In Crucial 'Phase 1' Of OperationS

Mikhail Prokhorov (actual picture) is one of Russia's richest and most sinister men. Now he's extending his tentacles into America as the newest majority owner of the Nets. But what's he really up to?

Net's owner Bruce Ratner seems to have a pretty formidable business partner in Prokhorov. Here's what we know about him:

Stable: Listed as Russia's richest man by Forbes Magazine; worth an estimated $9.5 billion.

Single: Named Russia's "Most Eligible Bachelor" by Russian media.

Phenomenal Host: Was once arrested for allegedly buying hookers for his guests at annual two-week Christmas party in French Alpines.

Freakishly Tall: Stands 6'9, but hasn't played organized basketball since middle school; still maintains he "can totally touch backboard."

A Sporting Gentleman: Gives financial support to Moscow's basketball, hockey and football clubs, and is a member of ominous sounding "Supreme Council of the Sport Russia Organisation."

Evil Russian Mastermind To Buy Nets In Crucial 'Phase 1' Of OperationS

But buying the Nets is only 'phase 1' in Prokhorov's plot to conquer the world through NBA dominance. Here is what the rest of his scheme might look like:

• Overcharge for domestic beer; use profits to contaminate American water supply with deadly Omega virus.

• Build giant army of Andrei Kirilenko superclones who can shoot both threes and meddling British agents with perfect accuracy. If Kirilenko's not available, Arvidas Sabonas will do (he's Russian, right)?

• Destroy Palace of Auburn Hills with doomsday device, the eponymous Moonraker.

• Create "Russian Dictator Night" promotion, where first 500 Russian dictators get to have picture taken with Nets' gaurd Keyon Dooling.

• Frame Pat Riley in humiliating sex scandal, then kill Michael Beasley with boobytrapped cypher machine.

• Swing trade to solidify low-post defense.

• Entice Pau Gasol to commit suicide; inherit his Spanish castle to use as HQ, and trillion dollar fortune to finance Soviet terrorist plots.

What can I say? It's Saturday.