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Sep 21, 2009 05:15 PM
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Canada—a country known planet-wide for its legendary rudeness and treachery—is denying foreign athletes access to Olympics sites in the run-up to the Vancouver Games, in order to protect their precious home-snow advantage. Oh....it is on, hosers.
The dirty Canucks have decided that since their country is 98% uninhabitable ice, that somehow entitles them to all the gold medals at the Winter Olympics. Their maple-soaked organizing committee wants HockeyWorld to not only claim the most medals in its history, they want to win more medals than any other nation next year. (A laughable notion, of course.) Their only hope for that to happen is to deny innocent, non-moose riding athletes much-needed training runs on the unique and dangerous courses for sports like bobsled and downhill skiing. Yes, even Americans have not been allowed unfettered access to the luge track, which is crazy, because don't they have to do what we say?
Who you gettin' crazy with, Pucky? Do you really want to bring a luge war down on your heads?
Also, unlike every Olympic city ever, Vancouver actually finished its venues on schedule, so those Molson-swilling seal jockeys have already enjoyed hundreds of hours of unrestricted practice time on the slopes of Whistler and whatever it is you take bobsleds down. "Oh, Canada! We stand on guard against Norwegian biathletes ... who we will probably shoot in the back of the head after we trick them into taking a wrong turn on some hellish Yukon death trail!"
Don't think we haven't forgotten about that loonie in Salt Lake, you French-talking syrup suckers. A hard snow is a-gonna fall.
As Host of the Winter Olympics, Canada Acts More Like a Guard [New York Times]
Luge federations spar over Whistler training time [CTV]
Send an email to Dashiell Bennett, the author of this post, at dashiell@deadspin.com.
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