There are baffling success stories in this world. There always have been. But one of the most puzzling ones is how Mark goddamn Schlereth has somehow become the most omnipresent football analyst on ESPN.
You can't avoid this asshole if you tune into ESPN anymore. There he is on SportsCenter. There he is on NFL Live. There he is on ESPNNEWS. There he is as the third ingredient in Mike and Mike's bloody stool sandwich. He's everywhere, and he blows, and it needs to stop.
The obvious counter to this complaint is, "Hey, just don't watch ESPN." But that's exactly the problem. I WANT to fucking watch ESPN. I want ESPN to be good and watchable, and not fucking putrid. That's why this site has criticized ESPN so often. We used to like it, and we would very much like to like it again. Yet time and again, Mark fucking Schlereth is what we get. I'd rather have Salisbury on the screen. I really would. At least he'll get shitfaced and send me his suicide note later in the evening.
Schlereth represents the very worst of ESPN's tendency to hire former players and coaches who have NOTHING useful to say, make pointless predictions with no substantive reasoning behind them, constantly talk about their playing careers, and believe that football analyst and motivational speaker are the same goddamn vocation. (See the fucking Dr. Lou segments on GameDay. I dare you to make it past the thirty-second mark.) If Schlereth isn't busy saying something worthless on camera, then he's probably saying something flat-out idiotic. Just this week, he argued the NFL shouldn't have fined Flozell Adams for tripping (and injuring) Justin Tuck. My Pinstripes has the details:
Schlereth contends that you have to stop the defender from getting to the QB no matter what. That if he had been fined every time he tried to trip a player, he'd have "played for free". Schlereth actually wants the union to step in to do something about these type of fines.
So here we have one of the dirtier linemen of the 90's (who played on a dirty line in Denver) bragging that he used to trip defenders all the time, and that it's okay, and that linemen should do everything in their power to keep the rusher from getting to the QB, even if it means drawing an obvious penalty. Does this sound like a man who often pissed his pants on the field? Fuck and yes, it does.
And that's about the only memorable opinion Schlereth has given at any time in his many forgettable years at the WWL. Look at this righteous asshole's Twitter page. Like people boldly picking fights with readers about whether or not TO is a team player? Or seeing an old player bitch out Chad Ochocinco for not playing the game the right way? ("Have you ever loved the game and the men you play with so much that your willing to check yourself out of the hospital the morning after surgery and drive yourself to the stadium and line up with your team? See, I have and that's what give me authority to call out anyone who is putting themself above the team!") Or in-depth statements like "Cowboys great response by both D and O!" You're in luck!
To the fuckheads at ESPN who put this asshole on camera thirteen hours a day, STOP. Fucking STOP. Watch the empty, vacuous dogshit you're putting on the air, and do something about it. Hire someone with a goddamn grain of personality and humor. I don't care who. Put a fucking Beagle in that seat. Someone. Anyone. They have to be better than this asshole. It's like watch an eight-hour Andy Reid press conference. And if you really think guys like Schlereth are the best you can offer, then GET FUCKED. GET FUCKED AND DIE NAKED IN AN ABANDONED MINE SHAFT.
I hate Mark Schlereth. Nice goatee, dipshit.