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Oct 6, 2009 10:15 AM
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Teeth jokes are out. Tongue-bathing is in.
Via Denver's Westword comes news that Rick Reilly®, having declared in April that he would "tongue-bathe the Capitol dome" if the Rockies made the playoffs, will make good on his pledge. Harf harf. But haven't we heard this before?
Indeed we have. In fact, I count seven times that Reilly has evoked the notion of "tongue-bathing" a person or an object should some outrageous event occur. A list:
Date: April 10, 2009
Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly
Object to be tongue-bathed: The dome of the Colorado State Capitol Building in Denver
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Rockies make the playoffs.
Outcome: Rockies make the playoffs.
Date: Aug. 09, 1999
Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly
Object to be tongue-bathed: The Superdome
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Saints running back and recent signee Ricky Williams meets his outlandish contract incentives and "receives a drachma of that Terrell Davis money."
Outcome: Williams does not receive a drachma of that Terrell Davis money.
Date: Oct. 2, 2000
Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly
Object to be tongue-bathed: The bat at Yankee Stadium
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Yankees win the World Series.
Outcome: Yankees win the World Series.
Date: Sept. 17, 2008
Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly
Object to be tongue-bathed: Windsor Castle (initially, the Queen Mother)
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: U.S. team does not win the Ryder Cup.
Outcome: U.S. team wins the Ryder Cup.
Date: May 4, 2004
Tongue-bather: Longtime caddy Mike Carrick
Object to be tongue-bathed: Osama bin Laden
Unlikely event to which tongue-bath would be preferable: Carrick gives up caddying.
Outcome: Carrick does not give up caddying.
Date: May 23, 1994
Tongue-bather: Rick Reilly
Object to be tongue-bathed: Reader's cat
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Reader manages to "sit down and watch a baseball game start to finish without zapping [channels]."
Outcome: Unknown.
Date: May 8, 2007
Tongue-bather: Raymond "Stick" Hart, narrator of Shanks for Nothing
Object to be tongue-bathed: Cat belonging to golf course owner Froghair
Unlikely event upon whose completion tongue-bath would commence: Froghair reconsiders selling golf course to nearby blue-blood country club.
Outcome: Froghair does not sell golf course to nearby blue-blood country club.
Send an email to Tommy Craggs, the author of this post, at craggs@deadspin.com.
Original material is licensed under a Creative Commons License permitting non-commercial sharing with attribution.
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