I was deeply offended by David Letterman's admission last week that he shits where he eats. Not on any moral issue, mind you, but because it gave me a mental image of David Letterman fucking.
I do not want that image in my head. A few years ago, I rented Deconstructing Harry. Don't ask me why. I don't even like Woody Allen movies, unlike Leitch (how about those Cards, Willie?). Anyway, there's a scene in the movie where Richard Benjamin, who looks like this, gets a blowjob from Julia Louis Dreyfus and finishes her off by banging her from behind. It is fucking disgusting and disturbing, and out of all the things I wish I'd never seen in my life, it ranks near the top of the list. There is nothing more grotesque than the image of an old guy sticking it to some chick (unless you go to the lemon party website. DO NOT GO TO THE LEMON PARTY WEBSITE).
It's why I can't watch Viagra ads. The insinuation of those ads is always, "Hey, they're gonna go fuck!" And it's always some smug old guy with his botoxed ladyfriend, and then I get the mental image and it makes me wanna fucking retch.
Ever stumble on a porn where the guy involved is clearly middle-aged? It's vile. I can't even concentrate on the girl involved because I'm so disturbed by the old man doing his business. There is a long list of famous, middle-aged men who I would never like to imagine naked and fornicating, and Letterman is on it, along with the following people. This list is far from complete:
-Nick Nolte (ever see his sex scene with Jennifer Lopez in U-Turn? Don't.)
You get the idea. Go ahead, right now, and picture any of the above men naked and having sex. Tell me you aren't horrified. Guhhhhhhh…
This scandal is sure to play out over the course of the fall and I'm not sure if I can handle that. I don't want to know about all the shady things Letterman has done at work. If a story comes out about him fucking interns in his office, I may have to blind myself. We need another scandal in late night to take its place, so that I don't have to think about this stuff. It has to happen. But who will be the perpetrator? And what will they perpetrate? Well, it's time for me to man up, lube up my fists, and pull out the prognosticating helmet. Time once again to borrow from your fair editor and play ODDSMAKERS.
Craig Ferguson Drops The N-Word During His Monologue: 5/1. Ferguson spends 20 minutes a night just spurting out shit off the cuff. And he gets away with it because he has a very silly Scottish accent, and so it's funny even if you have no fucking idea what he's saying. Big time. Absolutely fucking radge. 'It's me or Iggy Pop, time to decide.' You are powerless to resist his delightful Scottish charms. He should do every show wearing argyle plus fours and a tam o'shanty.
Anyway, for all we know, Ferguson has already let an n-bomb fly during his monologue. You just haven't noticed. AND SOO WE WEAR OOT EN THA BAYRN AN TOO NEGGEREES CAME OOPON US! How would you know? It all goes by so fast.
Jay Leno Accidentally Chinfucks Halle Berry On Camera: 20/1. Remember, that's a long chin. Like someone tied a banana to a goatee. Everyone knows that Leno was Mac Tonight from the Old McDonalds ads.
You never know where that thing is gonna end up. So it could be that, one night, a chick in a short skirt ala Halle Berry shows up, and invites Jay to come in for one of those phony intimate moments in the conversation. Now that there's no desk between Leno and his guests, it could be that his chin accidentally scoops right into the guest's hoohaa. Oh, like Leno hasn't done some chindigging in his life. We all have. It's probably the only reason Mavis married him. "Well, he's kinda goofy looking. But god dammit, he chinfucks like no other."
Constantine "Connie" Xinos is the president of the home-owners' association in a gated community in the Chicago suburb of Oak Brook. He dislikes being near poor people (he successfully blocked a permit for a senior's home, stating, "I don't want to live next to poor people. I don't want poor people in my town").
Xinos grew up poor and now hates poor people. Let's just go ahead call this Carolla syndrome right now. Listen to any Carolla podcast and you will inevitably get a ten-minute rant about how Carolla came from nothing and everyone else in the world is a lazy sack of shit. No one, NO ONE, brags about being a self-made man more than Carolla.
Conan O'Brien Has To Fire Andy Richter Again: 1/8. Poor Andy.
George Lopez Eats Taco Meat Out Of A Guest's Cleavage: 30/1. This will cause you to say, "Hey, was that the asshole I kept seeing during the playoffs?"
Jimmy Fallon Raped by ?uestlove: 200/1. Jimmy Fallon has started off his talk show by recruiting a great house band, reuniting Monty Python in the coming days, reuniting the Saved By The Bell cast, and generally doing all he can to be a winning, likable presence in the late night field. And yet… no, no. I still hate him. Here's hoping ?uestlove has enough one day and decides to make like the Kid's attempted rapist in House Party. SWEETEST MEAT AROUND!