Fire Up The Self-Pity Machine, IT’S BLACK SUNDAY!

And so it was that, come Monday morning, the denizens of New England awoke to a world covered in thick, black ash. A world that knew neither hope nor joy, but only self-involved douchiness.

Yes, over the course of a single afternoon yesterday, two professional teams from the same area blew leads and ended up losing. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED TO ANY OTHER AREA AT ANY POINT IN TIME EVER. And thus, the legend of Black Sunday was born. Indeed, this was the single worst day in the history of humanity. Worse than 9/11. Worse than Pearl Harbor. Worse than Saturday, when I found out TBS actually hired David Wells to speak on camera. Worse than all of those days COMBINED. Peter King says it was semi-Hiroshimaesque. Witness the tweeted emotional devastation wrought by the Patriots losing a regular season game and the Red Sox being knocked out of the playoffs when most people in Boston never liked their chances to begin with:

zym999 RT @sportsguy33: Black Sunday. // Is this possibly the worst day to be a Boston sports fan with friends who aren't? My email/txt say "yes"

darren_kennedy Sox/Pats lose painfully. Black Sunday. The worst part: pretending like they were "just games" for my 7-year-old so he won't end up like me.

It's okay, Darren Jr. It's just a game… really, just a game… OH, WHO AM I KIDDING? GOD IS DEAD.

bryanbeasley RT: Not sure if it's possible as a Boston sports fan to have a worse day

performancepro Black Sunday. (via @sportsguy33) does it make it worse that arod is having a good postseason?

PopsCaine Today felt like watching Requiem for a Dream and Leaving Las Vegas over and over for 12 hours. Boston Black Sunday.

JosephDBrown Its Black Sunday all over again First The RED SOX now the PATRIOTS going for the Hat trick when My Fantasy team loses

epeterson05 Horrible, demoralizing Boston sports day. (Even in make-believe! Lost fantasy by 5 while my benched RB had 15)

NOOOO!!!! NOT YOUR FANTASY TEAMS! I HAD SO MUCH HOPE FOR THE MONTCLAIR PEDROIAS!

suebrody1 @Ace2003 I am watching Sports Sunday, and Felger calls it "Black Sunday." I wanna cry again. :(

MattD19 As @sportsguy33 put it, Black Sunday RT @shwen: #RedSox lose in 9th #Patriots lose in OT too much for 1 day... & a sad day it is :-(

shanetq Thank God dollhouse & office was good this week. Rewatching them is soothing my aching head/heart/soul after Black Sunday..

amering black sunday in beantown sports. need to start staffing to take my mind off the ugliness.

bostonmike Still very depressed about the Boston sports "Black Sunday"

FitzyGFY It's Columbus Day, and I've discovered that I don't feel any better about Boston Sports Black Sunday at all.

Hmm. Well, this is all well and good. But I need something even more pathetic. Something that really brings the vintage Boston douchiness home. Something not even all the Eliza Dushku in the world can soothe. Oooh, wait! I got it! How about a woe is us piece from Danny Shaughnessy, that intentionally tries to dredge up all the supposed ghosts that haunt Boston sports fans? Oooooooooo…

It was shocking. It was time travel. It was back to the bad old days.

It was a macabre matinee at our ancient baseball theater.

All you young New Englanders who shrugged whenever dad said, "The Sox will blow it, they always choke at the end,'' . . . now you know.

NOW YOU UNDAHSTAND OW-UH PAIN! The Salem witch spirits have worked their black magic once more! HAUNTING! You can practically hear Shaughnessy pat himself on the back for this opening. But wait! This isn't quite lame enough. I need something even worse. Something that really encapsulates the idea that Boston fans cannot lose a game without demanding your maximum sympathy despite having won six titles since 2001. I know. Let's check in with el presidente at Barstool Sports, who is either 12 years old, or joking, or a complete fuckhead. OR all three!

We're in October of 2009. The decade is rapidly coming to an end. And unfortunatly so is our decade of dominance. I mean there is no other way to look at it after the tragic events of yesterday. I mean a day like this would have been unheard of a couple years ago. Tom Brady getting outplayed by Kyle Orten? Papelbon giving up 5 runs while only getting 2 batters out and blowing the season? (I don't count the guy he picked off as him getting an out) Bottomline is we haven't won anything since the Celtics two years ago. Sure our teams our still competitive but it's no longer a forgone conclusion that we'll be having a parade at some point during the year. In other words we've just become like everybody else. Mortal. But in typical Boston fashion we ended the greatest run any city has every seen in the history of sports with a day so horrific that it was almost awe inspiring in a weird kind of way. Like watching a tornado tear through a small town or something. And in the end I'm not sure whether I should go into Cabo and party like crazy and remember the good times or just sit in my hotel room and cry.

I have an idea. Why don't you go fuck yourself with a corkscrew instead? Because no one else gives a flying fuck about your bad day. Haven't won anything since the Celtics two years ago? Eat a cock and die.

Photo via boston.com

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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