NFL Experts Will Not Rest Until Every Quarterback Leads The League In Something Retarded

If you follow the NFL as closely s I do, you begin to get a sixth sense for cliché memes. They tend to spread across the football landscape as quickly as Irvin's herpes.

For example, Jon Gruden begins every sentence with the words, "THIS GUY". Every one of them. Give a listen next time around, or go ahead and gut out your inner ear with a fishhook. Mark Schlereth (and plenty of others) begins every sentence by saying. "When I look at the (team name here)." You may also substitute the word YOU in there if you like. "I tell you what" is also a big one. What will you tell me, guy? Why not just get right to the what immediately, and spare me the needless clause upfront?

And then, of course, you know about pervasive use of the words NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE instead of the simpler NFL acronym. This is usually preceded by something along the lines of, "To be a (position here) in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE," These guys, when I look at them, I tell you what, they might just be fucking retarded.

And then there's Peter King, who of course has entire library of clichés all to himself. Lofty clichés. They define gay. Anyway, here's King this week on Texans QB Matt Schaub:

It's possible that Matt Schaub leads the NFL in normalcy. Nice guy. Not impressed with himself.

Yes, that's right. Normalcy. Matt Schaub defines normal.

This comes on the heels of King and Gruden declaring that various quarterbacks lead the league in intangible categories that really can't be measured. Gruden said Jake Delhomme leads the league in grit, an opinion that is somehow both meaningless and breathtakingly incorrect. King said Tony Romo leads the league in smiles. Indeed, in the hands of Gruden and King, it seems there is no pointless metaphorical category into which you cannot throw an NFL quarterback. So let's go ahead and do that now.

Brett Favre, as you may have guessed, leads the league in fun. He's the fun baron. Mark Sanchez leads the league in poise. OR DOES CHAD HENNE? Let's go through the rest:

Quarterback: Jay Cutler
Leads the league in: Frowns

Quarterback: Matt Stafford
Leads the league in: Spunk (can be employed literally if you like)

Quarterback: Aaron Rodgers
Leads the league in: Perseverance

Quarterback: Eli Manning
Leads the league in: Innocence

Quarterback: Donovan McNabb
Leads the league in: Resolve

Quarterback: Jason Campbell
Leads the league in: Passivity

Quarterback: Matt Ryan
Leads the league in: Upside

Quarterback: Drew Brees
Leads the league in: Underappreciation

Quarterback: Josh Johnson
Leads the league in: Wildcardedness

Quarterback: Kurt Warner
Leads the league in: Grizzliness

Quarterback: Matt Hasselbeck
Leads the league in: Toughness

Quarterback: Shaun Hill
Leads the league in: Guttiness

Quarterback: Marc Bulger
Leads the league in: Patience (he gets sacked a lot)

Quarterback: Ben Roethlisberger
Leads the league in: JUST MAKING THINGS HAPPEN

Quarterback: Derek Anderson
Leads the league in: Fearlessness

Quarterback: Joe Flacco
Leads the league in: Unrattledness

Quarterback: Carson Palmer
Leads the league in: Fortitude

Quarterback: Tom Brady
Leads the league in: REAL poise. Let me show you what real poise looks like right here.

Quarterback: Trent Edwards
Leads the league in: Fortitude

Quarterback: Peyton Manning
Leads the league in: Passion

Quarterback: Kerry Collins
Leads the league in: Adversity

Quarterback: David Garrard
Leads the league in: Quietness

Quarterback: Matt Cassel
Leads the league in: Mysteriousness

Quarterback: JaMarcus Russell
Leads the league in: Girth

Quarterback: Kyle Orton
Leads the league in: Game management

Quarterback: Philip Rivers
Leads the league in: Touch, douchiness

As you can see, every quarterback in the league has a special, unique character quality only they could possibly lead the league in. You can apply this to experts, too! For example, Peter King leads the league in being a fucking shithead.

Send an email to Drew Magary, the author of this post, at drew@deadspin.com.

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